Are you hungering to discover your soulmate, twin flame, or a dream-come-true partner to be your lover and best friend? Do you struggle with finding a romantic partner who feels attractive, compatible, and real? If so, you’re in the company of millions of souls around the world who yearn to find lasting–if naturally imperfect–love. What are the secrets to finding your ideal mate?
Today, join me and renowned former eHarmony matchmaker Dr. Christie Kederian for a tantalizing journey into what it takes to find true love. Topics discussed include dating, marriage, soulmates, dating apps, online dating, priorities, chemistry, compatibility, red flags, childhood, family, unresolved trauma, attachment, secure attachment, insecure attachment, anxious attachment, preoccupied attachment, dismissive attachment, self-growth, self-love, self-awareness, self-development, commitment, long-term relationship, matchmakers, matchmaking, friendship, faith, values, priorities, religion, spirituality, sexual attraction, attraction, eHarmony, Bumble, celebrities, celebrity matchmaker, and imperfect love.
Please note that this episode may contain sensitive material; listener discretion is advised.
Emergency Assistance Note: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911” or “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline). Support/informational links are in the show notes.
Books by Dr. Carla Manly:
Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly
Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend
The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships
Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:
Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly/
Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/drcarlamanly/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drcarlamanly
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr.carlamariemanly8543
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_carla_manly
Book by Dr. Christie Keerian:
10 Dates to Your Soulmate: A Celebrity Matchmaker’s Guide from First Swipe to Forever
Connect with Dr. Christie Kederian:
Website: https://drchristiekederian.com/
Instagram: instagram.com/TheDateDoctorChristie
Facebook: facebook.com/TheDateDoctorChristie
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/drchristietcharkhoutian
TikTok: tiktok.com/@TheDateDoctorChristie
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Can You Find Your Soulmate? Discover How with Relationship Expert Dr. Christie Kederian
Are you hungering to discover your soulmate, twin flame, or a dream come-true partner to be your lover and best friend? Do you struggle with finding a romantic partner who feels attractive, compatible, and real? If so, you’re in the company of millions of souls around the world who yearn to find lasting, if naturally imperfect love. What are the secrets to finding your ideal mate? Join me and renowned former eHarmony matchmaker, Dr. Christie Kederian, for a tantalizing journey into what it takes to find true love.
We’ll focus on this audience’s real-life question, “I’m sick of dating. The online world is full of frauds and meeting someone organically isn’t happening. I keep running into people on dating apps who aren’t who they claim to be. I want a good partner but I’m starting to think that I expect too much. Help?” That question is the focus of this episode. Please note, as this episode may contain sensitive information, audience discretion is advised.
I’m joined by a very special guest, Dr. Christie Kederian, an internationally renowned relationship therapist. She is a former eHarmony matchmaker, soulmate finder, and date doctor. Dr. Christie is also the author of the book 10 Dates to Your Soulmate. Welcome to the show, Dr. Christie. It is such a pleasure to have you with us.
Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here.
Understanding the Foundation of Love and Relationships
Before we launch into the heart of this episode, could you tell our audiences a little bit about what makes you, you?
What makes me, me is my commitment to faith, relationships, and love in general. From an early age, my identity is both Armenian, and my cultural identity, as well as my faith background as a Christian centered me around the importance of relationships and how we develop in context with our relationship with others, ourselves, and God. Relationship is the foundation of who I am and what I do. The basis of that is connecting around love and showing empathy and care for others.
Thank you for that beautiful and very genuine background. I join you in that priority of love and not an artificial airy-fairy Cinderella must have that kind of love. Although, that’s tempting but the idea of love as action, eternally evolving, and a way of life. Though, we’re imperfect at it because we’re human. I believe that if we keep trying one day at a time, one hiccup at a time, one repaired rupture at a time, not only do our relationships evolve but we evolve because we’re doing that ongoing work.
That’s so true. One of the big misconceptions I love to help people understand in my work is what they think love is and then what it really is, especially romantic love. It’s what they think that they want potentially and what they want or what would help them grow as a person. As we talk about love, it’s interesting to think about it as an action and more of a lived-out thing rather than something that we receive or fall into.
I love how you said that piece about what type of love will help you grow. That’s a piece we often miss. We think of love as being given to us often. “Give me love,” especially when we’re dating. We want someone to fulfill our dreams and help us create this happily ever after. I know this from not just professional experience but personal experience. The best kind and most nourishing kind of love is the love that helps us evolve and makes us work a bit. Not too much but work at least a bit every day.
I always say that in our relationships, they’re mirrors. Especially if you desire that one romantic partner or to be married, that person is going to be your mirror. A lot of the things that you struggle with or get frustrated at are the places that maybe you need to turn that focus in and do that work. Something that I work with a lot of people who are in the dating process, they’ll often come to me with a list of, “Here’s everything I’m looking for in a partner.”
Usually, what I’ll do is flip that on them and say, “That’s amazing that you want someone who is super committed to their health and goes to the gym every day. What does that look like for you?” If you’re not living out the things that you desire and that’s not your lifestyle, then it’s likely not going to have the impact that you want it to.
A lot of people don’t want to do their growth or work. They’re hoping that the other person through osmosis can feel fit, confident, rich, or whatever the things that they want. The reality is the more that we work on those things, the less we’re going to say, “This person needs to complete me in this way,” and the more we’re going to think about, “How can I work on feeling a full or whole person myself?”
You and I are very aligned. I’m thinking briefly of my book Date Smart, where I tell people we want to do an inventory about what we’re looking for in another person. Not just physically like, “I want someone who’s 6 foot tall with brown hair and brown eyes,” but, “What do I want in them as a person? Even before we get there, what do I have to offer? What is it in my body, mind, and spirit that I bring?” I agree with you.
Insights from a Matchmaker and Relationship Therapist
We turn to look at the self first. Not that we need to love ourselves perfectly. It’s not about that but to love and know ourselves so we’re not going out and unconsciously or consciously looking for someone to fix us or our lives. That’s usually a no-win. Before we launch into your book, which sounds fascinating, 10 Dates to Your Soulmate. It sounds so compelling. Could you tell our audience a little bit about your experience as an eHarmony matchmaker and relationship therapist so that they understand where this book is coming from and this lived personal and professional experience that brought you to this amazing work?
By the way, I do have to say that I’m a fan of the concept of matchmakers. Not in all situations, but when it’s voluntary and somebody’s wanting somebody to cut through some of the fluff to help them find a match or a few good matches to choose from. It’s a lovely and important concept that’s been around for millennia. Please talk about this.
My start in the world of matchmaking was inspired initially because my parents met through an unofficial matchmaker but it’s a lady in our Armenian community who would connect people. I was always fascinated by the fact that others can be part of our journey to finding love. I studied marriage and family therapy as my background so I became a therapist and worked with a lot of couples in couples’ therapy. I found it fascinating and interesting why some couples seem to connect, click, be in sync, and align and others it was not a fit.
That started my research into the areas of compatibility in that field. That led me to work at eHarmony. Their Founder, Dr. Neil Clark Warren, is a psychologist who studied compatibility. His goal in creating eHarmony was to reduce the divorce rate in America. When I worked there, we had a subsection of the company that would work with high-profile people, celebrities, and different people from different walks of life who wanted a high-touch approach and didn’t want to just download the dating app and do their own work. They wanted a therapist to vet people for them and then connect them with those people.
I learned so much in the process about compatibility, what makes two people aligned, and what some of the misconceptions and ideas that we have are, then helped coach my clients around, “This is who you’re looking for. This is who you’re compatible with. Let’s start getting out there, getting some experiences, going on dates, and helping you learn a little bit more about yourself as well as who is a good fit.”
The interesting thing is a lot of people would come to me with a list of things. We might deliver exactly what they thought they wanted. They would come back after the date and be like, “I didn’t click with someone who was from this field. I thought that’s the type of person I need to be with.” That’s the thing that kept me going.
I started my company doing matchmaking, dating coaching, and empowering people to be curious and willing to understand more about themselves and the person that they’re getting to know and humanize the process a little bit more. The dating apps have taken us away a little bit from thinking, “This is a real human being across from that screen that I’m deciding within ten seconds as the latest research that they could be my person or not.”
I’m taking a step back and helping people be a little bit more reflective while also understanding how to use the tool of a dating app, which is where my expertise aligns with my therapy background, as well as working on these dating apps and understanding, “This is how it works.” Once we learn how to use the tool, you can find real and authentic love.
Helpful Tips for Using a Dating App
That’s a lot. Let’s start with tips for using a dating app. I would imagine that many people who have used a dating app are thinking, “It’s basic.” What are some tips that users might not think about or realize are accessible to them?
It’s along the lines of what we were talking about before. A lot of people think the dating app is similar to their Amazon Prime app where they can order something and it’s going to come in the next few days. It’s going to be exactly what they purchase. The reality is you have to think so much about what you’re putting on your profile as much as you’re thinking about the type of person that you’re matching with.
Dating apps are not your Amazon Prime shopping cart – they require thoughtfulness and intention. Share on XOne of the things that people get wrong that is a good place to start is putting a lot of care into creating your dating profile. This means you have very high-quality photos. You’re putting thought into what you write and you’re thinking, “The person that I’m looking for would be looking for someone like me. When they see my profile, they’d say, ‘That could be a great match for me.’”
The reason that people think that dating apps don’t work for them most of the time is because they are not creating the type of profile that is getting a lot of matches. What happens from a technology standpoint is the algorithm says, “This person isn’t getting swiped on a lot. We’re not going to show them to all of our best people because they’re not answering their messages, they’re not consistent, or they don’t have great photos.” People aren’t swiping on them.
The best thing that you can do is make sure that you’re doing your part in showing up on the app and creating a swipe-worthy profile, as I call it so that you’re not getting demoted from the algorithm and then saying, “Why should I show this person’s profile to my top people that get swipes all the time if they haven’t answered a message in a month?” We have to think about putting in our work so that the algorithm feeds you back what you’re looking for.
If I hear you right, take the time to create a profile that is authentically you but sounds inviting. Don’t put up anything false. Be authentic and real. Know what you’re looking for and what you have to offer so that the responses you get are high quality. Not that you won’t get some that aren’t high quality. That’s with the pictures.
Make sure they’re current and not from 10 or 20 years ago. Make sure they’re high quality and show you in a positive, genuine natural light at your best. Maybe not how you look after three days without a shower. It’s showing you in a natural place. You look like you but a beautiful version of your natural self.
Sometimes people don’t put the time and energy into getting quality photos or they use whatever photos they have or crop out their ex from a photo and put it up there. They think, “It shouldn’t matter.” The reality is that this is all people have to go off of. Typically, it takes a few seconds for someone to decide if this person is someone that they want to talk to or go on a date with.
I always recommend clients to get in touch with a photographer or someone who can help show them in the best light possible rather than taking old photos from Facebook and thinking someone should be good with this picture like, “I look how I look,” which you might not in the photo. Apps are looking for thumb-stopper photos. It’s high quality. You’re smiling. As they’re swiping, their thumb will stop on you because they see a photo that catches their eye. It stands out and it’s different. That’s what you want to think about too.
For people who can’t afford a professional photographer, I’m a big fan. When I have clients asking me these kinds of questions, I say, “Ask someone who loves you to take a photograph of you.” When you have someone, whether it’s your mom, brother, best friend, or next-door neighbor that you have a relationship with, if somebody loves you, they’ll see you and bring out that level of comfort and joy in you that will show up in a photograph.
Take a bit of time to create that because we are visual creatures. Humans are very visual so it’s not all about the photograph but that’s what invites someone into your profile. I’ve also heard that for people who have alcohol in their photographs or every photograph, that’s probably not great. If you have pets in every photograph, even if you love your pet. I love my giant schnauzer, but if I were dating, which I’m not because I’m married. I probably wouldn’t put Freedom, even though I’d be tempted to. I wouldn’t put him in every photograph.
I agree with that. I don’t think any multiple photos should be the same at all. I always say the photos on your dating app are prime real estate. You want to showcase different aspects of yourself as well. I would be careful with the alcohol component in general because even if you randomly go on one date night or once in a while you have a drink, it could be misconstrued. Try to choose photos such as if you enjoy traveling somewhere.
I usually recommend having a photo with at least two friends. Sometimes people don’t feel comfortable with that. You could always blur out their faces but it is important to showcase that you have friends and community. Sometimes people put only solo photos because they think, “I don’t want to show any of my friends or family,” but that creates an illusion that you’re alone or selfish. You don’t have anyone around you. You want to think about the different aspects of who you are and make sure that that’s showcased on your profile.
Moving on, we have the photos and then the written part of the profile. I used to run a huge women’s group and got these questions all the time. They would say, “Can you help me write my profile?” I would say, “I can’t help you do it but write it as if you’re looking for your best friend and lover. Bring out that part of you that is seeking this companion. Be authentic and real. Write it like you would be introducing yourself to somebody that you wanted to be best friends with.”
From my perspective, that’s how we want to date. We want to date seeking a best friend who also we’re romantically attracted to. If we don’t have that best friend component, we won’t have a healthy, lasting relationship. Write like you’re looking for a yummy best friend with some sexual attraction on top. Would you agree?
That’s a great way to help people conceptualize how you talk about yourself. A great thing to do is talk to your actual best friend and ask them some of the questions like, “How would you describe me? What are some of my main hobbies?” Having a conversation with someone who knows you well can also help inspire you to write it.
When you’re writing your dating profile, think of it more like a cover letter rather than a resume. When you’re on the profile, you’re listing all the things you like doing, what you have done, or what you do for work. It’s all your whole hall of fame of your life rather than when you read a cover letter, if you’re applying for a job, you’re going to be very specific to that job listing.
When you're writing your dating profile, think of it more like a cover letter than a resume. Share on XYou’re going to say, “Hi, this company. This is why I’m a perfect fit for this specific job. These are all of my qualities that connect with that job.” If you’re meeting your potential person and they see your profile, they think, “This person is an exact fit for me.” You’re attracting someone who’s going to spot you out of the crowd and say, “That’s her or him,” instead of thinking, “How can I showcase every single thing about myself in a few sentences on a dating app?”
Screening for Genuine Matches on Dating Apps
Got it. We want an authentic, real-life-infused bullet point that invites a person to want to get to know the authentic person behind that photograph. Let them know more about you. Here’s one question before we get off the dating app thing. For people like the person who wrote in, it sounds like they’re unfortunately meeting a lot of disingenuous people on the dating site or the apps. Are there any ways to help them screen out people who aren’t a good fit or may be acting in bad faith?
Something I always recommend is trying to use a dating app that has some of those safety measures already baked in. At eHarmony, for example, we had a whole department that would look through potential scammer profiles or catfisher profiles. A lot of dating apps such as Bumble, for example, will have you verify a profile. You have to take a selfie of yourself before you’re able to create a profile. They make sure that you are whoever’s profile you create. I would try to focus on using some of those apps that have those baked in.
The second thing I always say is never to have a very long conversation with someone over text, email, or messages before you’re able to talk to them via FaceTime video call. Phone call is okay but I prefer a FaceTime video call. A way that a lot of these scammers or disingenuous people ease their way in is through messages back and forth. They prey on your emotions.
They might say a lot of things and give you a lot of compliments but then anytime you want to transition to seeing them in person or maybe even talking to them, they will try to delay that process. That’s a big red flag that you can tell. It’s when they don’t want to talk to you on the phone or via video call. I say to try to get to that point sooner rather than later so that you’re not building an emotional connection with someone that you don’t even know is a real person.
I agree wholeheartedly. Audience, even if that sounds counterintuitive, why would you want to go from the safety of your home or office and meet someone? You’re giving them your phone number or whatever. I’m a big fan. I’ve learned this through helping countless clients. I encourage people to meet as quickly as possible, as quickly as they feel that it’s safe to do so in a public place. No alcohol so that you’re not under any influence but a public place like a coffee shop that’s well trafficked where you can feel safe and other people are present.
You get to meet the real person in real-time. You get to see how they treat you if they’re engaging. Even if you’re going back and forth with someone by text or message, they may seem lovely by text or message and you’d start pouring. I’ve had this happen to clients. I’m thinking of one in particular. He was brokenhearted because he had this ongoing text relationship and it ended up being a scammer who was just after his money. It turned him off of it and understandably so. Move safely to a real live video call and then meet in person in a safe public setting where you drove yourself there or walked there yourself so that you can see if it’s a good fit. Do you consider that first meeting a date?
Is the First Meeting Considered a Date?
I always tell people and I talk a lot about this in the book. The first date I would say is more of a vibe check where you are leaving your list at home. You’re not coming with your interviewer hat on and trying to figure out, “How can I know if this person is ready to have kids or what kind of financial bracket they’re in?” You’re more showing up on the date seeing how you feel around that person.
I recommend that this date is a bit shorter because oftentimes, people can either run out of things to talk about or spend way too much time with a person on a first date because they’re having a great time. Ultimately, if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, you want to know how they show up on the second date, the fifth date, or the tenth date. The first date isn’t the time to invest and tell them your whole life story. It’s more to connect and see, “Do I like being around this person? Do I enjoy this conversation? Would I be willing to do it again?”
Understanding Compatibility and Expectations in Dating
The first date is the first time they meet in person. It can be for an ice cream, a soda, a glass of water, or whatever you want but in a public place where it’s time-limited for half an hour or 45 minutes, where you get a sense of, “Might this person be someone I want to have a second date with?” That’s what you’re doing. Our audience, who wrote in, is feeling as though it sounds as if they cannot find someone who’s compatible and they’re wondering if their expectations are too high.
This is where I especially love your matchmaker background. Why? If we go to a friend or someone who knows us well, which is a matchmaker’s job, they know us in a nonjudgmental and very clear way. As a little with more distance than a mom, dad, sister, or brother might know us. They know us in a way where they can be a little more objective about what might be healthy for us.
When we’re dating, we’re thirsting for a good fit. We’re looking for that Prince Charming, Cinderella, or whatever it is we’re looking for. We might be taken in by a superficial package or hormones coursing through our bodies like, “I’m so attracted to this person.” That’s wonderful but it doesn’t make for a healthy long-term relationship. We need more than that. We can have that yumminess but we also need to have the substance underneath that.
That’s the matchmaking approach. Not that we need a matchmaker to do it for us but if we learn these tools from you, people will be better able to cut through the chemistry. We want the chemistry but we want more underneath. How can we peel back the chemistry or at least set it aside a little bit to see if we’re a good fit in the compatibility arena?
What I always say to think about when you’re looking at your criteria and evaluating is, “Is this important for me?” I would say the first thing you want to do is look at your past relationships. Let’s say all of your past relationships were with very successful people who were a certain height. You were always physically attracted to them.
If you feel like all of those relationships didn’t work out, you might want to take a different approach. If that reason is because, “The only thing that was important to me was that I was physically attracted to them but all my past relationships followed a pattern of they weren’t emotionally available,” or whatever else it is. That’s when you want to revisit your criteria and think, “Which of these criteria will matter to me in 10, 20, or 30 years?” You want to reevaluate.
Chemistry is very important but it’s not the only piece of the puzzle. We always say that with compatibility. It’s one dimension of compatibility but you need many others to have a truly compatible relationship. I would evaluate the criteria. Think about what we do in matchmaking, which is to help people understand how important is these criteria and ranking your criteria.
If your past relationships followed a certain pattern but didn't work out, it's time to revisit your criteria. Chemistry is important, but it’s just one piece of the compatibility puzzle. Share on XYou might enjoy a hobby, let’s say pickleball. That’s fun for you. You might be thinking, “I need someone who also plays pickleball. They also have to be at this level of education.” You create your list. Whereas, “It might not be as important. It might be nice if they play pickleball but it doesn’t have much to do with whether we’re truly compatible.” I’m going to downshift that criteria and say, “This would be nice but I’m not going to reject someone just because they don’t play pickleball.” You have to prioritize certain criteria on the basis of, “Is this person going to be compatible with me if they have this or that?”
I’m thinking of someone I knew who found the perfect partner. They got married because they both had these very practical boxes. They were amazed because they both had the same career goals, wanted two kids, make lots of money, and liked this one particular hobby. They thought they were a perfect match but there was no chemistry. There was no physical attraction on either part. They ultimately had the two kids but parted ways because very sadly, one of them found someone that they were passionate about and that’s where they went.
I agree with you that we want to first prioritize and see what our priorities are. Many people overlook the importance of emotional connection. I don’t know what you hear in your practice but the biggest thing I hear in my practice is couples who feel emotionally disconnected. One partner may be fine. They may be so distant. They don’t care but the other one’s going, “I’m constantly lonely and craving attention and connection. I’m never getting it.”
For them, that’s a priority. It may be the top priority. It doesn’t matter what our priorities are. For someone, it may be sex, money, or their faith. We don’t have to be lined up on all of our priorities. I believe it’s important for those top priorities to be somewhere in alignment. If you have someone who’s prioritizing faith, emotional connection, love, and children and the other person is money, success, hobbies, and friends, there’s going to be so much misalignment. They can be physically attracted but that’s not going to be enough to get that couple in sync.
I am with you. It is about looking at your priorities and values and ranking them honestly and non-judgmentally. When you’re dating, screen someone. We screen people for a job interview and we might be at that job for a year. When we’re doing a job interview, we ask all sorts of questions. Yet when we’re dating, we’re afraid to have those big conversations early on.
“Do you want kids? Do you want to settle down? Where do you see yourself in five years? Do you want to get married? Do you believe in marriage? What’s your faith? How committed are you to your faith? Are you spiritual? Are you religious?” These are all important questions. I’m a big fan of looking at them by dates 2 and 3. What do you think of that?
One of the things that I talk a lot about in the book is how we evolve into understanding someone. I believe that a lot of your main criteria questions need to be assessed early on. Some even potentially before the first date, especially if you’re meeting on an app. You need to create your profile in a way that you can weed out people. “Don’t want marriage and kids.” Don’t share your faith if those are your top criteria.
The next piece is learning about how to understand some of those qualities that are more intangible that you can’t sit across someone and say, “Are you a loyal and generous person?” They’re going to say, “Yeah, of course, I’m loyal and generous.” We have to learn about somebody in context. What I talk about in the book is that around your third date, you want to start going on dates where you can understand how someone connects with the world around them and their environment.
Maybe somebody told you, “I love kids. I want to have kids,” and then on the third date, you go to the mall or walk around some museum. There’s a kid having a meltdown next to you and your date can’t stop talking about how annoying the kid is. You think, “That’s so interesting because when I was talking to them across from dinner, they were saying all these things about how they love kids and want kids.” When we’re in a real-life situation, that’s not the kind of partner you foresee having kids with. This is why it’s important to say, “There are certain things I can ask and learn a little bit more through conversation. There’s a lot more I need to learn about someone in context.”
Assessing Compatibility Beyond Chemistry in Dating
Thank you for that. It is so important to go on not just romantic dates to a fine restaurant where you’re in a bubble so to speak. I agree with being in parks and natural settings. Watch in a restaurant how somebody treats the server and how do they tip. As some of my clients have told me, they’ve learned a lot when they were on a date and the person kept disappearing to the bathroom when it was time to pay the bill. That person may say they’re generous but then you get to see and you see how they handle finances.
Are they comfortable taking the bill? Are they comfortable asking to split the bill? What is their relationship with money? Not that you want to take people to meet if you have kids or family. You might not want to take them to meet kids and family early on because those are things we often want to reserve until we’re in a more committed phase. Looking at real life, how do they interface? Do they answer questions like, “What’s your relationship with your mom and dad? How was your relationship with your ex? How many relationships have you had?” Those are all fair questions in my book. What do you think?
I 100% agree. Let’s say they were married before. I typically say what you can do is early on around date two, you might want to know a little bit about it. That’s not quite the time, in my opinion, to spend an hour talking about, “My ex did this and then this happened.” All of that whole thing. Especially with a lot of my female clients in more heterosexual relationships, they often feel like they are just a listening ear sometimes.
I usually tell my male clients, “You tend to talk a lot more if you’re a little bit uncomfortable. You find a nice, pretty woman sitting across from you. You can pour your heart out and share all of the details about your divorce or how your marriage didn’t work out.” You might think, “This is going so great. I feel so connected.” They’re thinking, “This is like a free therapy session over here.” It’s not the time to go into those deeper details because you’re trying to figure out if you connect with the person but you might want to know or share a little bit.
That’s around the time when you give an elevator pitch as what I say around some of those deeper topics. When you’re around date 6 or 7, I recommend revisiting some of those things and learning a little bit more once you realize, “It does matter to me what their relationship with their ex is like. If they’re a co-parent, what that dynamic is.” That’s when you dig a little bit deeper because you’ve established a connection where that stuff’s important. You see this relationship potentially going the distance. You want to know those things before you’re in that exclusive relationship.
Thank you. That’s fabulous because as you’re deepening the relationship, you’re also noticing. If you say, “Have you taken time out from dating?” The person says, “No, I was divorced last week.” Even if you don’t want to go into the deep issues there, which you don’t want to become the therapist for the person. You are able to see patterns and also able ask questions like, “Are you seeing a therapist? Were you separated for a long time in doing some self-work before the divorce was final?” You can have a nice picture of how much work they’re doing so that they’re not in a pattern of serial negative relationships.
That’s so important to know.
If I’m hearing you right, you’re saying move into it slowly. If they seem like a good long-term fit, you start making the time to go a little deeper. I’m a huge fan of this. Let’s say somebody doesn’t want to talk to you about something and you have a bona fide question like, “Do you have kids?” “I don’t want to talk about that.” “Have you been married before?” “I don’t want to talk about that.”
Those can all be very significant red flags because we don’t expect someone to spill their life history to us in the first few dates but we do want to see how responsive are they to giving us information. If it doesn’t feel appropriate to them yet to go deeply into something, do they set healthy boundaries in a kind and respectful way and say, “Maybe now is not the time to talk about that but I’m happy to talk to you about that if we keep moving in this direction.”
I always recommend that to clients. Even as they process how they share their dynamics and maybe they don’t feel comfortable yet sharing certain details in that elevator pitch, creating dialogue that’s not creating blocks or being rude but also holding that healthy boundary. I coach clients to say something similar to, “I was in this relationship. This is why it didn’t work out. This is what I learned. I’m happy to share more if things progress between us.”
Noticing how someone respects your boundaries is also important. I tell clients the way that you and your date talk about a situation tells you pretty much almost everything you need to know about the situation. This is even on dating profiles I’ve seen. They’re already slamming their ex on the profile. You can almost tell when someone’s done that growth and work when they realize, “I was part of the dynamic of why that relationship didn’t work out too.”
“Here’s some of what I learned in my next relationship,” rather than saying, “All my exes are crazy. They’re all the problem. It’s not me. I’m not looking to work on myself.” The most important criteria any is someone who’s willing to do that work and grow. Even if you think you found a perfect person, if they’re not willing to work on themselves and grow with you, they’re not going to be the perfect person for very long.
The most important criterion of any relationship is someone who's willing to do the work and grow with you. Share on XI agree with you completely. That’s often missed in this world, the importance of doing your self-work. If you don’t do your self-work, then you are unconsciously carrying these wounds, expectations, and pieces inside of you. Not that you’re broken but the pieces inside of you that may have been broken from childhood forward. Not that you have to be fully securely attached because secure attachment can be earned.
When we see, “I tend to be anxious in relationships. I likely have an insecure attachment to the anxious or preoccupied type. I tend to be dismissive in relationships. People tell me I’m cold and aloof or I tend to be erratic.” If we look within so that we can be, not a perfect partner but a great potential partner, one of the best ways we can propel ourselves in that direction is to do that inner work.
Doing The Inner Work After Finding Your Soulmate
I agree with you. For a lot of people, that work is too hard. My last book is called The Joy of Imperfect Love, where I invite people to go inward and learn how to love themselves perfectly and then use that in other relationships. It is hard work and it is ongoing work but that’s how you create that soulmate relationship. Even with your 10 Dates to Your Soulmate, they can get that soulmate and place but here’s my question for you. Do they need to work on it once they find that soulmate?
The work never ends. The thing I always say is that soulmates aren’t found, they’re created. You’re co-creating the type of relationship that you want. It’s that dynamic and the dance that we often talk about. If you don’t like what you’re seeing or what you’ve seen in the past, the best place and the only thing that you can control is what you bring and how you show up to that dynamic and dance.
The best preparation for meeting your true partner is you’re never going to be fully fulfilled or fully happy with yourself. I don’t believe that. Sometimes people use that as an excuse or barrier to take the risk and fall in love. If you’re on the journey and you’re going in the right direction and they are as well, then you have the potential for creating the type of relationship that you want.
Additional Tips and Keys to Successful Relationships
I have to repeat what you said, Dr. Christie, because it’s so beautiful. Soulmates aren’t found. They are created. That is quite the opposite of what many people believe. I am in accord with you. You put it so succinctly and beautifully. They are created. The ten dates to that soulmate, we might add on that, yes, you find that soulmate and it’s up to you to keep that creation going and create that bond. Once you’ve created that bond, then keep it going so that that soulmateness, if that’s a word, lasts for a lifetime. Dr. Christie, are there any other pieces? I know there’s so much there but I’d like to know if you have any other big keys to offer to our audiences.
Sometimes people ask me what the inner work is and what it’s about. I talk about this in the first part of my book. A lot of things that we don’t think about often, which as the attachment conversation of how our parent’s relationship and how we grew up, do impact our beliefs about love and relationships. As a therapist in my field, what I’ve learned is that we don’t pay enough attention to those dynamics. That can subconsciously come and sabotage some of the choices that we’re making.
We don't pay enough attention to the attachment dynamics from our childhood, and those can subconsciously sabotage the choices we make in relationships. Share on XSomething I always say is no matter what type of relationship they had or didn’t have, maybe you had one parent there and not the other parent. That story, whatever that is, often from a very early age can sometimes be what we’re looking to complete or we’re looking for the happy ending we didn’t get in childhood in our adult romantic relationships. The inner work, that awareness of going to therapy and understanding those dynamics, can be a big piece of the puzzle if you’re still feeling lost. You don’t know why you keep attracting the wrong people in the dating relationship. That could be a missing piece that you want to go and uncover.
I appreciate how you said that. I’m in alignment with you on this. Many people believe that the many things that happened in childhood are grown out of and don’t impact you anymore. Yet in childhood, our brains are at their most malleable. We’re soaking in everything that’s happening in our environments, including our caregivers, parents, and siblings’ behaviors between them and toward us and ours toward them.
These may be compartmentalized in many ways but they’re still there. Until we open up Pandora’s box and start working through it, no matter how strong, smart, or tough we are, we are unconsciously controlled by that which we don’t face. By making it and working through it, using a book like yours or working with a therapist, a support group, or a combination of all of those things, you come to see that you can take all of that childhood trauma and wounding.
Even if it wasn’t traumatic, messages that make you not want to be connected to someone. You think you want to be but if you have a more dismissive attachment style, you’re going to be wanting a person. You’ll do everything you can unconsciously to keep them at bay. If you’re more anxiously attached and you’re preoccupied with the relationship, you’re going to be consumed with, “I want this. I want to get close.” If you get paired with someone who’s in a dismissive style, it’s this chasing game that’s also unfulfilling.
There’s nothing wrong with this. It’s just the truth but in many cases, we’re looking for that happy ending we didn’t get in childhood. We’re looking for it to turn out differently. Unless we change our patterns and become aware of what our patterns are, it won’t have a different ending. We will have that same story again and again. It is so worthwhile to turn inward, do the work, and then have a chance of creating a happier ending. It will never be 100% bliss because life is imperfect. We are imperfect but we can sure get close.
Dr. Christie, it has been such a joy and a pleasure to connect with you and your book, 10 Dates to Your Soulmate. What a yummy, I have to say, the quality of it. You have such substance beneath it. Sometimes, we go on a quest to find a book and there’s a lot of substance underneath it to help us get where we want to go. This is one of those that can help us get where we want to go because it has substance. Thank you so much. Where can our audience find you?
You can find me on my website, TherapyForDating.com, and mostly on social media. I hang out on Instagram, @TheDateDoctorChristie. You can follow me there, see updates, and pick up my book and any other resources as well.
It has been again, Dr. Christie, such a joy and a privilege to share time with you.
Thank you, Dr. Carla. I appreciate it so much. This has been great.
Thank you. As always to our audience, thank you for reading. It is such a pleasure and a delight.
Important Links
- Dr. Christie Kederian
- 10 Dates to Your Soulmate
- Date Smart
- eHarmony
- Bumble
- The Joy of Imperfect Love
- @TheDateDoctorChristie on Instagram
- Dr. Christie Kederian on Facebook
- Dr. Christie Kederian on TikTok
- NAMI HelpLine
- Dr. Carla Marie Manly
- Dr. Carla Marie Manly on Instagram
- Dr. Carla Marie Manly on Twitter
- Dr. Carla Marie Manly on Facebook
- Dr. Carla Marie Manly on LinkedIn
- Dr. Carla Manly on YouTube
- Dr. Carla Manly on TikTok
About Christie Kederian
Dr. Christie Kederian is an internationally renowned relationship therapist and former eHarmony matchmaker turned “date doctor.”
She earned her bachelor’s, master’s, and doctoral degrees from the University of Southern California in Psychology and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Dr. Christie has helped thousands of people create lives they love and find love they deserve. She has been a featured expert in ABC, NBC, KTLA, the Wall Street Journal, the Los Angeles Times, Cosmopolitan, NBC News, and more.
Dr. Christie is the author of the 2025 book, “10 Dates to Your Soulmate: A Celebrity Matchmaker’s Guide from First Swipe to Forever.”