Do you feel like your partner doesn’t hear you? Is communication a major stumbling block in your intimate relationships? From Dr. Carla’s experience and loads of research, she has found that communication struggles cause tremendous (and unnecessary) disconnection and hurtful ruptures. Could a few minor shifts help you create the healthy communication and emotional connection you crave and deserve? You bet! By harnessing the power of mindfulness and neurolinguistics, powerful change is on the way! You have the power to shift your relationships by creating greater self-awareness, self-love, and healthy communication habits.
Join Dr. Carla and NLP (neurolinguistic programming) practitioner Corey Lyon Folsom for a powerful exploration into the art of claiming your personal power, honing your communication skills, and shifting your relationships for the better. Author of the powerful book “Soul Statements,” Corey notes, “Soul Statements are a direct and immediate tool to counter unhelpful thoughts and self-sabotage. They are a way to claim your personal power and ‘revolve around your own axis.’ Soul Statements deepen intimacy by up-leveling communication.”
Topics discussed include NLP (neurolinguistic programming), conflict, self-sabotage, personal power, soul statements, meditation, nature, self-awareness, self-love, self-care, self-regulation, parasympathetic nervous system, stillness, safe space, inner calm, relationships, relationship coach, bullying, abuse, time-outs, communication, self-development, self-growth, reactivity, gaslighting, stonewalling, helplessness, distress, negative thoughts, feelings, mindfulness, emotions, self-talk, self-communication, spirit vow, empathy, courage, self-acceptance, self-sourced, and emotional intimacy.
Please note that this episode contains sensitive material; listener discretion is advised.
Emergency Assistance Note: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911” or “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline). Support/informational links are in the show notes.
Books by Dr. Carla Manly:
Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend
Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly
The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships
Oracle decks by Dr. Carla Manly:
Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:
Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly/
Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/drcarlamanly/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drcarlamanly
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr.carlamariemanly8543
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_carla_manly
Book by Corey Lyon Folsom:
Soul Statements: A Love Coach’s Guide to Successful Communication
Connect with Corey Lyon Folsom:
Website: https://corerelationship.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/coreylyonfolsom/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/coreF
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Boost Self-Love and Intimacy with the Power of Soul Statements–Featuring Expert Corey Lyon Folsom
Soul Statements: A Love-Filled Tool for Creating Healthy Communication and Deeper Intimacy
Do you feel your partner doesn’t hear you? Is communication a major stumbling block in your intimate relationships? From my experience and loads of research, I found communication struggles cause tremendous and unnecessary disconnection and hurtful ruptures in many of our relationships. Could a few minor shifts help you create the healthy communication and emotional connection you crave and deserve? You bet. By harnessing the power of mindfulness and neurolinguistics, powerful change is on the way.
In this episode, we’ll focus on this audience’s real-life question, “My partner is constantly gaslighting me every time I don’t cave into whatever he wants. He has issues. He won’t listen to me. He interrupts me and yells. If I try to talk about things, he shuts down or leaves. I’m worn out and don’t know what to do.” That issue is the focus of this episode. Please note that this episode may contain sensitive information. Audience discretion is advised.
I’m joined by a very wonderful guest, Corey Lyon Folsom, who will be sharing his expertise as an author, certified neurolinguistic practitioner, and relationship coach. Corey is the author of Soul Statements: A Love Coach’s Guide to Successful Communication. Welcome to the show, Corey. It’s such a joy to have you with us.
Thank you. I’m glad to be here.
Exploring the Connection Between Nature and Mindfulness
It’s such a delight to share time with you. You are an NLP or Neurolinguistic Programming Practitioner. You bring so much to us that is going to help us learn how to better communicate. Not only with ourselves, that inner voice, but also with others and draw others into better communication patterns with us. That mark is what we’re going to be reaching for. Before we get into that, tell our audiences a little bit about what makes you, you.
I’ve had a life with very varied experiences. I grew up in small-town Maine with a wonderful family. I was a Boy Scout. My love was walking in the woods. I was fortunate. We had miles of woods, streams, and a river right out my back door. I grew up in a time when we didn’t necessarily know where we were going. They just said, “Go outside,” and so I went outside.
That informed my spirit and outlook. I would sit in the forest. I’d pick a spot and wait for the forest sounds to go back to their natural flow and I would listen. I wanted to get to know what other friends were out there. Whether it was a hermit thrush, a red-tailed hawk, or a white-tailed deer. That was where I found my serenity. I eventually became an Aboriginal skills instructor, learning how to build shelters, make fires without matches, identify edible plants, and all that. That took me into nature, too.
I became a wilderness guide for small groups trekking across the land for thirteen years. Nature informed me. I’m glad that even as a child, I knew to sit and stay put. Maybe we would call it mindfulness practice, but that’s what I was doing. I’m a big fan of promoting to find a place to sit down, be yourself, and maybe observe the natural world or be somewhere safe or special. The quieter we get, the more we can hear the whispers of our spirit. It is a whisper. Quiet is one of the ingredients to getting in touch with what we’re made of.
That was such a beautiful introduction. Thank you. Listening to you, I tend to run at a pretty high RPM. Mindfulness has been a big gift to me in helping me slow down my thoughts and way of being. As I listened to you and envisioned being in the forest, I could feel my heart rate going down and my parasympathetic nervous system coming on board, reminding me to breathe. I love that you give us this reminder or visual.
You took us on a visualization trip to experience this beauty that we can do anytime and anywhere. We don’t need to be in nature if it’s not accessible to us. I love how you painted that picture because you took me there with you. Readers, I hope you had that same experience of being able to see the birds and the white-tailed deer, enjoying the sounds and smells of nature. Even though we might not be in nature, we can harness that energy. That was an unexpected perk to the beginning of the episode. Thank you. I love your grounded energy. It is beautiful.
How Life Experiences Shape a Relationship Coach
You are a relationship coach. Do you mind telling me, are you partnered? Do you have children? What experience drew you into being a relationship coach? Often, as I’ve found in my life and with my friends, many of us are drawn into that realm because we either had great parents or relationships and love to help other people see what that would feel like. Sometimes, it’s in the middle of the continuum, but sometimes it’s at the opposite end, where someone has known a great deal of relationship challenges, has learned to overcome them, and wants to offer those tools from a different perspective. Where are you in that realm?
I would say all of the above. I had a great upbringing, a great family, and a great town, but we didn’t necessarily address emotions. When I got out into the world as an adult, I felt pretty unprepared. I got all the way through high school without ever talking to a girl. I was so painfully shy. It’s not because I didn’t want to. I just couldn’t. Eventually, as life went on, I made it through. I had good times and painful times. I was married and divorced three times. I have two children, two boys.
When you can fill up your emotional well by contacting that knowing, you're more likely to take a stand for your value. Share on XOne time, I met this wonderful person. I was in awe of her and wanted to be with her as much as an equal as I could be. She wasn’t so sure about me. She had a relationship coach. I started doing my own sessions with that same person. That supercharged my ability to respond with grace and understanding whatever might come. It surprised her.
She’d be ready to throw in the towel on me, like, “He’s not going to be that great,” and then like, “He is doing something great. That’s amazing.” It was this process of wanting to step up, so I hired a relationship coach. At that time, I was also going to personal growth workshops with various teachers, Charles Muir, Tony Robbins, and tons of people.
I got fed by deep conversations, being more transparent, undefended, and sharing what I was up for. A lot of it comes down to being present for myself. If I’m present for me, I can use my voice in defense of what I value and my value. That was the genesis of that supercharged movement toward being very interested in how to transform from an emotional puppy to closer to an emotional adept, so to speak.
That is such a vulnerable and beautiful expression of how you came to be where you are and the relationship coaching that you offer. That is brilliant. As a practitioner clinician myself, books can inform us so much. Doctoral programs, whatever schooling we have under our belt, help us, but life experience to me is knowing from the inside out how difficult relationships can be, being willing to work through them, hear other people, and continuing to grow and transform so we can help others grow and transform. That lived experience works alongside book knowledge to create an expertise that is felt and known.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing that backstory. It’s interesting the way that you spoke about this because sometimes we expect someone who had an ideal childhood to have a perfect adulthood and relationships, yet you came to the conclusion that it was the lack of discussions around emotions, that below-the-surface energy that is so vital to intimate relationships to being heard, and to being able to hear others and to go deep into those vulnerable spaces.
Overcoming Communication Barriers in Relationships
We often focus on people who had a traumatic childhood, overtly traumatic. We don’t focus on the fact that if parents didn’t have the skills to model healthy, intimate, emotional, and mental communication. We didn’t get those skills. Unless, somehow, we learned them in school. Thank you again. I appreciate that. When we look at the reader’s question, we don’t know this person’s backstory.
We can imagine that it is a female, but regardless of gender, we can take from that person’s situation an extrapolate to the many situations out there where people are constantly trying sometimes their best and sometimes not to communicate with those they love, but because of a wide variety of defences and unhealed trauma, sometimes on both sides or on one side, there’s an impasse. They feel often leads to relationships breaking apart.
Sometimes it leads to people staying in a relationship because they want it to work or because they feel like they have nowhere else to go, like, “What do I do?” Maybe they feel so unworthy and unlovable that they think that nobody else will love them so why bother leaving. I’m interested in your perspective from an NLP approach.
Readers, NLP simply stands for Neuro-Linguistic Programming. It’s how the words we use consciously and unconsciously selects can affect our feelings, our thoughts, and our way of being. I’ll let Corey explain more of that. Back to you, Corey. I believe in NLP. I use NLP in my work. It has this incredible often missed power to create change.
A lot of it is the techniques and designed to create a reframe. A different way of thinking about something, looking at an issue, and allowing yourself to expand your imagination. The good news is that successful communication is a learned skill. It’s things we can learn. That’s awesome. Also, I think one of the main things that a person in that scenario would be well off to develop would be building a relationship with themself and being more self-sourced. Self-sourcing is connecting to you and to your center. It doesn’t have to look like sitting on a meditation pillow.
It’s whatever connects you to you. Whatever makes you feel more grounded, centered, and confident in your own abilities. It could be surfing or a hard gym workout or a stroll in a park or any number of things. Whatever feeds your spirit is I’m a fan of doing more of. I wrote this book, Soul Statements, in order to put words when we learn about ourselves, and when we know a little bit more of what we’re made of. We can create a statement that supports us and anchors us back to that truth in moments when maybe we need it most moments of distress or helplessness or not knowing what to do or feeling less than.
When we achieve deep connection, we can find our ground. We won't abandon our hearts. Share on XOne soul statement is a little longer than usual, but there’s a place at my center where I can tune out everything that’s not me. That’s a soul statement. It’s true. It’s present time. You don’t have to reach forward to a desired future and bring it in. It’s there. It’s deepening into your truth as a soul. It’s also an attitude. There’s a place at my center where I can tune out everything that is not me. It’s also a reminder to visit that place, be centered and still in order to know a little bit more of what you’re made of, what you’re not just who you are, what you are, but why you are.
When you can fill up your emotional well, so to speak, by contacting that knowing. You’re more likely to take a stand for your value. One thing I used to think when I was young, the teacher was berating me or some bully. I was bullied a lot and I would think to myself, “They have no idea who I am.” It’s a way of taking a little bit of power back, versus giving it over to them.
Thank you, Corey. Very strongly, I agree with you. We often have these internal dialogues, these internal mantras that work against us. In NLP, one of the things you do, which is what you were talking about, is you take these internal monologues, “I am helpless.” “I don’t have a say.” “I need to cave into my partner.” Whatever those might be. You’re saying, make them conscious, and create powerful statements that help you stay focused and centered.
Take your power back whether it’s a bully in life or a gaslighting, which is a form of bullying that you can find. I am going to repeat your soul statement because I love it. “There is a place in my center where I can tune out everything that is not me.” I love this so much. Readers, I don’t know about you, but as Corey was repeating it. I could feel myself sinking down inward and thinking, “All of this stuff, if there’s friction in a relationship or somebody’s not listening to me. I can come back to my center. I can tune out everything that is not me. I can focus on my kindness, my goodness, my intention, and my imperfection if I want. I can focus on feeling grounded and rooted.”
Once I come back to a more external world, then I could be coming from a less reactive space, often a less hurt or angry space. Not that we need to banish anger, hurt or sadness because those are all powerful, healthy emotions that we want to look at and use appropriately. It does help. One of those beauties of NLP is that we can pay attention to the power that is within those word choices. Even if our reader is not able to change her partner’s behavior because often that comes much later or not at all. The focus becomes on the individual working on gaining that internal power through internal calming, internal self-work, internal messages that feel good, strong, and healing. Did I get that right?
Very much so. I also thought of something which is that mindfulness and stillness contemplation that oftentimes, I don’t want to be thinking. I don’t want to be rolling around thoughts when I’m trying to meditate or be mindful and aware. I’ll try and contact the stillness that is within me. To do that, I’ll oftentimes remember a time where I felt it. One place I feel it, I wrote about it in my book. It’s when I’m body surfing and there’s a big wave, I’ll dive under the wave and hold myself on the sand as the wave rolls over the top.
While I’m doing that, I’m listening and there’s this silence. It’s almost like a tone that’s under the ocean vibrational tone that I’m just there in literally bathed in. It feels so still. There’s this rushing wave over the top of me and I’m just on the bottom being still. I can remember that. I can remember the feeling of it. If I can recreate a little bit of the feeling of it, then I’m there. What I’ll do is, I’ll offer my stillness. One of my goals might be to offer my stillness as an offering to the spirit of life, to the great stillness. That’s what helps me remain in stillness. That’s how I do it.
I should say that is so beautiful. I like bookmarking moments like this for our readers and also for me because there are so many times in life we rush to the next moment. This is a precious piece here. Readers, if you are in a safe place, like you’re not driving your car or maybe seated on the floor out in nature. You can actually do this on your own or if you are in motion in a car or something, you can bookmark it for later.
The idea that Corey is talking about is a critical one, especially if you tend to be reactive or get dysregulated in certain situations if you’re prone to panic or anxiety. Having these, what in my EMDR work, we call a safe space, where you create a visual image of a time when you were safe, when you did feel grounded or soothed or as you were saying, underneath the role of one of life’s big waves, literally in your case, and be able to recall that felt sense of being safe and stable.
Using that very powerful visual technique because sometimes when we visualize something like that, then the body gets calmer. Again, the parasympathetic nervous system comes on board, and we get regulated. From there, we might need seconds, minutes, and sometimes hours. Once we feel more regulated, then as you were saying, you are self-sourced.
You have worked within yourself to create regulation so that when you are ready to speak with someone else, which might mean that you took time out from a difficult conversation to get yourself regulated, then you’re able to come from that place and speak your truth. With what I love to say, speak your truth with dignity, courage, and respect. When we get to that, once we are self-sourced, we are more able to come to that place. If we’re scared, angry, and reactive, unfortunately, because we’re imperfect humans, we are far less likely to come from that place of calm self-sourcing.
Sometimes, when I’m in a meditation, I feel myself thinking. I’ll say a little mantra if you will, “Find Corey.” I’ll put one hand over my heart. Another hand cupping under my belly button. That’s holding myself, holding my center.” I’ll say, “Find Corey.” The real work is once I find him, is to keep him. To that end, I also coined a term called spirit vows. I write about that in my book too, where a spirit vow is an agreement you’ve made with your inner self.
It might be something like, “I vow to hold my heart as sacred and worthy of protection, or I take you to be my body in this life and to treat you with care and respect.” When we can achieve this deep connection, we can make a stand. This is the ground I’m going to stand on going forward. I won’t abandon my own heart, in other words.
The Path to Finding Yourself in Personal Growth
Corey, I have an important question for you. In my work, and probably in my own life, if I took a reach back in many years. I know this would be the case with many of my clients, particularly those who have very unresolved trauma. If I told them, “Find yourself.” If I told myself a couple of decades ago, “Find Carla.” I’d be like, “What? Carla doesn’t know who she is. She’s lost. No, I cannot find her.” I could imagine many of my clients saying the same thing, like, “I don’t know who I am. I’m lost. I never knew who I was.”
Would you think that before they could get to that beautiful hand-to-heart center, the other hand under your navel, that very calming chakra-oriented grounding, that perhaps if they cannot get there, they oughtn’t feel bad. We don’t want to feel badly about something that we aren’t quite yet equipped to do. Would you say that they might need some more work before they can get to that place so that they can find that? I think that’s part of the safe place or the self-sourcing. Perhaps finding the self is a step a bit down the line for many people.
I think you’re right. I can remember very clearly this person that I knew. She happened to be a therapist, and I’d never been to therapy before. She said, “Come on in. I want to gift you a session. That would be cool.” I’m like, “Okay.” I had no idea. I remember her telling me, “I’m so mean to people. I cannot stop myself.” I was probably like 26 years old or something. She said to me, “You’ll never be able to change that until you’re nicer to yourself until you start talking to yourself in a nicer fashion on the inside.” I was like, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
Unfortunately, I moved away and I didn’t do any more sessions with her. She was talking a foreign language. I had no idea where to begin. I can remember fast forward to twenty years later. I was in a workshop and this workshop was about a weekend about loving yourself. I was like, “I couldn’t even start there.” I figured out during that weekend, “Before I get to self-love, I can start with self-acceptance as a partial way there.”
Self-acceptance is where I had to start. In order to make self-acceptance work, it implies being honest on the inside. I did such and that. I’m not proud of it, but I did it. Instead of lying to myself about why I didn’t do something, I can be honest and say I was scared that’s why I said no. That honesty leads to self-acceptance hopefully.
I agree completely. I’m thinking of our reader’s question where as with many people, especially if your partner is not doing any work and continues the negative patterns. Even if she got into psychotherapy, it would be very difficult, especially at first, for her to change that if he’s not willing to do his own work and do some couple’s work. Readers, if you’re in a situation like this, the idea as Corey is saying is to know that you might not be at self-love yet.
You might not might seem like a foreign concept. You might not be at self-acceptance, but you’re reading this show. You’re here. That means you’re interested in self-development, self-growth
and in using resources to further your journey as a wonderful human being. As you take those particles, whether from self-help books, podcasts, individual or group therapy, that is all the increased self-awareness that leads and goes with the honesty that Corey is talking about. We all start somewhere.
It’s beautiful because I found over the course of my life when I started doing self-work, I never knew what it was. Once I realized decades ago what it was, you move slowly. There’s this often a few dark nights of the soul, if not many dark nights of the soul. You have this beautiful snowball effect to where you don’t notice it instantly, but that transformation grows and grows until you’re more accepting of yourself because you’re more aware and more forgiving.
To make self-acceptance work, you must be truly honest on the inside. Share on XThe self-acceptance leads to, “I like this about myself. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to be a great human being.” When your internal monologue becomes more and more like that, it doesn’t mean, at least for me, that I ever get to a place where like, “My life is perfect. I’m perfect. I’ll never get there because I don’t believe in that perfection on this plane.” It’s not as tough and your relationships become smoother.
Being able to come back to yourself, that piece you’re talking about, Corey, that beautiful place of, “I know who Carla is. If I lose her for a moment or two, I can come back to her. I can find her. I can love her.” That piece, Corey, don’t you think is just such a beautiful hallmark of doing your work when you can know that inner person, that true genuine being, and live one life where you’re the same on the inside as you are on the outside. You’re not wearing masks.
I think what happens in the gaslighting example that you read, is there’s an enmeshment, if you will, of what the other person feels and thinks. I think part of the beginning of it is to try to find a little bit of a gap. Maybe it might start with something like you have this thought or you’re listening to him. You think to yourself, “That’s what he thinks. That’s not me.” You can get more complicated if you want.
Self-care is soul care and time cultivating your spirit is never lost. I’m going to spit out another fortune cookie here, is that part of the goal is to broadcast on your own frequency. You want his voice to be less and less in your head and let it be his voice, and then you have your own inner voice that’s not his. I think that’s where the work is, the heart of it.
Corey, you’re giving us so many brilliant jewels, and I love the self-care is soul care. That is so true. I came up with an image that you gave to us when you were saying to turn down the volume on the other person’s voice. Readers, there are many visuals for that. One is to imagine a remote control in your hand and you’re turning down the volume on that remote control turning down the other person’s negative voice or your own negative voice and turning up using that little plus symbol to turn up your voice.
If you’re more analog, you can also use a dial and turn the other person’s voice down and allow yourself love, self-care, and self-truth voice. I also appreciate, Corey, when you said that when somebody is gaslighting you, instead of leaning into it and giving it energy, lean away from it and go to your own truth, which is something like, let’s say a partner gaslight you and says, “You did this and you caused that.” You knew in your heart of hearts, you didn’t say or do that.
Instead of getting enmeshed with it and leaning into it, maybe say something to yourself like, “I know that’s not my truth. My truth is this.” If you want to interact with your partner, you might say something like, “That doesn’t correspond with my truth, but I’m going to go and take a timeout.” By gracefully leaving a situation, exiting, and saying that you’re taking a timeout, you’re not leaning into that negative energy and the enmeshment. Once that gas lighter finds you’re not responding to their gas lighting, take the fun out of it for them.
What you’re saying is important. I need to take time out for me so that I can hear what you’re saying.
Again, especially that statement to take a time out, if you’re feeling reactive and you cannot hear what they’re saying, then saying, “I’m going to take a time out. I’m feeling disappointed or frustrated or angry. I’m going to go for a walk for an hour. I’ll come back and maybe then I’ll be able to hear better what you’re trying to tell me.” If indeed you think that there might be a positive comeback at that time. If you come back and they start in again on the same diatribe or whatever they’re doing, it’s okay to take another timeout and say, “This isn’t working. I’m going to go take a timeout.”
In the interest of better communication, “I need to spend a little more time alone. I’m not quite there yet.” You want to create that time away from you. One of the goals might be to create more emotional coherence within your own system, so use that time to take a deep breath.
I like how you took that nice deep breath in and deep breath out. If we pay attention to our breathing, if we’re feeling this is a big self-care piece, it’s okay to feel anxious. It’s okay to feel your feelings, but getting to know if you’re feeling anxious, maybe putting your hand to your heart, another hand on your abdomen or your stomach and saying, “I just need to breathe. Close my eyes. I’m take a self-care time out here. I’m going to breathe and get regulated.”
You don't have to take on someone else's thoughts as yours. Share on XThe Impact of Word Choices in NLP for Healing
I’m using some of these tools so that when we are ready to verbalize to another person that we’re coming from that calm-centered place. Corey, I have a question for you. I know we’re getting near toward the end of our time together, but when we’re talking about NLP and word choices, I have noticed so much with people. I know for a fact I do it. We are all wired from the time we’re in utero. We’re hearing how our parents speak, how society speaks, and how our siblings speak, then we’re born then it becomes we’re more aware of it.
We’re aware of the tone. As our brain grows and our interactions become more interpersonal, we are developing hardwired patterns that include word choices. Oftentimes, especially for those who grew up in more rigid or shaming environments, it’s a lot of should. “I should.” “I have to.” “I must.” “I better.” All of those should be messages that are very shaming and controlling in nature, whether we’re doing them to ourselves or to other people.
I work a lot with clients and helping them notice when should is a part of the vocabulary. Let’s imagine this reader’s partner is saying, “You should be a better partner. You should be this. You should be that. You shouldn’t do this.” What do you think? I’m imagining if this person were my client, I’d be working. If she’s saying to herself, “I should stay in this relationship. I should keep my mouth shut. I should placate him.”
Those may be the inner messages. What do you think of encouraging her to use word choices like, “I can choose to stay here in this relationship and do my work. I am choosing to self-develop within this relationship.” She might be saying, “I am choosing to stay here for the time being to watch how things look in months as I do more self-work.” Noticing the should and using NLP to switch it to a more choice-based system. What do you think?
We’re always going to hear our mind say that unhelpful thing. That part doesn’t go away. The success comes from not necessarily believing it. I’ll physically smirk and go, “I cannot believe I just thought that again for the millionth time.” I try to chuckle at it like, “I cannot believe the catastrophizing or whatever.” I just say, “I used to think that. What’s true is I can trust my heart.” As simple as, “That’s what he thinks. That may be valid for him. I’m not going to try to change what he thinks, but I don’t have to think in that same way. I don’t have to take on his thoughts as mine.”
From there comes that place, “Therefore, I can choose.” If a thought comes to me, something from my old programming that still comes in, I can choose to entertain that. I can choose to use a different internal message to myself. That’s the beauty of neuroplasticity, where when we repeat something again and again. It doesn’t mean it won’t ever come up again.
The more we repeat something that’s positive, kind, and gentle, the more that becomes part of our neurobiology. The more that we say the negative things again and again, the more we’re building neural pathways to that negative. I’m a big fan of being conscious about using our words, our thoughts, our feelings, and all of that to build stronger, gentler, kinder, more loving, more boundaries patterns.
We can siphon off a little bit of the power of what that other person’s saying by saying, “He’s doing it again. That’s what he does. He’s saying that thing. It’s just his thing. It’s just what he does. Truth be known I have a loving heart.” That’s the beauty of soul statements too is you have these prefigured-out statements like that. “I have a loving heart,” and that just re-anchors you over to something more empowering.
I have a loving heart just by repeating that to yourself. It takes you back to the center, to your truth, and to the, “That’s his stuff. He has his journey.” It’s interesting in interpersonal relationships. I also work with internal family systems. It’s very sometimes lovely to be able to see that other person, whoever they are, a partner, a family member, or whatever, that their 5-year-old or 10-year-old or 17-year-old within them is acting out.
It can be helpful to say, “Okay.” We know we’re keeping this to ourselves inside so that we don’t trigger someone but just like, “His six-year-old tantrum side is up and I’ll just come back to my kind and loving heart,” as you said. It’s such a beautiful self-anchor inquiry. I love your soul statements because they are simple, and easy digestible. When repeated, like any mantra, be it positive or negative, and these are all positive, it can change your life.
If you want to supercharge what I was just saying, you can do that. Put your hand on your heart in front of your bathroom mirror. Look yourself in the eye and say,” I have a loving heart.” Send warmth from your eyes to yourself. That’s powerful.
The Hero vs. Coward: Embracing Courageous Action
What a beautiful simple exercise to be in to wind down our time together. Readers, imagine, possibly, do that simple exercise in the morning or at night or now if you’re in a safe space. Look at your beautiful self in the mirror and all eyes focused straight ahead and say, “I have a good heart. I am a wonderful soul.” because it’s true. Corey, what do you have a few or one or two more tidbits to offer our listeners before we wrap up? Not that you haven’t given us so much already.
One of the things I came across, which I like, is that the hero and the coward initially feel the same thing. It’s what they do next that defines them. You can learn to call up the best part of you in a moment. Once you do, then the next right action is more obvious when you’re connected to your value and to what you value. That’s what a soul statement is designed to do call up the best part of you in a moment.
That gave me such joy to hear that statement that the hero and the coward initially feel the same thing. It’s what they do with it next that makes the difference. That’s my paraphrase. I think that is so exquisite because it reminds us that we are imperfect beings and our journey is to become more conscious so that when we do that next thing, whatever it is, it more often than not is the one that makes us courageous and proud of ourselves in retrospect.
It makes us feel good and makes us feel that we’re evolving. You made me think of my imperfect love relationship in Oracle cards that I developed. I developed them to help people slow down so that they can see that we all have feelings, thoughts, mindset, and energy that result in actions. The goal is to become more aware of that process and slowing it down. We will not always get it right but realizing we can shift that.
If we have a feeling of anger at a partner, we can shift and honor that feeling. We don’t have to lash out and create harm. We can learn to engage in thoughts like, “I’m feeling disrespected.” An energy that I want to reach toward and try and resolve in a positive way. An energy that’s positive and loving and hope that our actions come out rather than throwing a cup or a hairbrush or verbal assaults. What comes out is a reach toward that person, an action that says, “I feel hurt by what you said. I felt angry, but I want you to know I love you and I want us to work this out in a positive way.”
When we slow it down and learn that, and it’s learned. As you said at the very beginning, communication is learned. If we didn’t learn healthy communication from childhood forward, or we’ve had trauma, and we learn dysfunctional behaviors as part of that trauma not getting resolved. It’s not a sentence to always be that way. Communication skills, if worked, learned, and utilized, they can be such life changes. Corey, where can our readers find you and your amazing book?
Thank you. The book is Soul Statements, A Love Coach’s Guide to Successful Communication. There’s a page to purchase it on my website, CoreRelationship.com. It’s on every online retailer. Bookshop.org is a fantastic place. You can always ask your local bookstore to order it. Also, CoreRelationship.com has a bunch of stuff about my coaching approach and my contact info, and a couple dozen articles I’ve written.
Readers, if you don’t have a pen handy, don’t worry. I’ll be sure to not only have his book but also his website so that you’ll be able to contact Corey and engage with him one-on-one if you’d like. Thank you so much, Corey, for being with us. It’s been such a pleasure and a joy.
I’ve enjoyed it very much. Thank you.
To our readers, thank you so much for being with us. As always, it is a pleasure, a privilege, and a delight. Thanks so much. This is Imperfect Love.
Important Links
- Corey Lyon Folsom on Instagram
- Soul Statements, A Love Coach’s Guide to Successful Communication
- Core Relationship
- Core Relationship Coaching
- Corey Lyon Folsom on Facebook
- Nami Helpline
- Stop Bullying
- National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Dr. Carla Manly Website
- Dr. Carla Manly on Instagram
- Dr. Carla Manly on Twitter
- Dr. Carla Manly on Facebook
- Dr. Carla Manly on LinkedIn
- Dr. Carla Manly on YouTube
- Dr. Carla Manly on TikTok
About Corey Lyon Folson
Corey Lyon Folsom is a certified NLP practitioner and relationship coach who helps people increase soulfulness, clarity and ease. He’s been a professional tracker, aboriginal skills instructor, wilderness guide for newly sober people and a vision quest leader.
After a spiritual soul-awakening, Corey participated in Ipsalu, Source School of Tantra Yoga, Love Coach Academy, Tony Robbins, and other programs. Corey’s passionate about helping people expand their empathy and communication skills.
His award-winning book, Soul Statements: A Love Coach’s Guide to Successful Communication, is a practical guide for making small shifts that produce outsized benefits in life and love.