We often learn early in life to use food as a coping strategy, which can lead to destructive dieting patterns. In today’s stressful, perfection-oriented world, the tendency to see food as both friend and enemy—a two-faced fixture that wields the power to reward, soothe, tempt, and haunt—can be amplified. While some people simply eat to live, others find themselves struggling daily to find a healthy relationship with food. And for those who weren’t raised in food-neutral families, the journey can be especially tough. When battles with food loom large in the psyche, mental and physical health are negatively impacted. Can we heal the diet culture force by rethinking our relationship with food?
Join Dr. Carla and clinical psychologist, registered dietician, and certified fitness expert Dr. Supatra Tovar for a mindful exploration of the steps you can take to shift your relationship with food to create lasting psychological and physical well-being. Topics discussed include nutrition, mental health, medication, semaglutide products, fitness, exercise, disordered eating, dieting, binging, trauma, mindfulness, attachment issues, and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
Notes: Personal opinion, not medical advice, is offered in this podcast; consult your medical practitioner for advice. As this episode contains sensitive information, listener discretion is advised.
Get the help you need:
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/get-help/
https://www.nami.org/support-education/nami-helpline/
Books by Dr. Carla Manly:
Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly
Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend
The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships
Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:
Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly/
Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/drcarlamanly/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drcarlamanly
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr.carlamariemanly8543
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_carla_manly
Books by Dr. Supatra Tovar:
Mindfulness Cookbook for Busy People
Connect with Dr. Supatra Tovar:
Website: www.drsupatratovar.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drsupatratovar/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drsupatratovar
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/drsupatratovar/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@my.anew.insight
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@drsupatratovar
Podcast: https://anew-insight.com/anew-body-insight-podcast/
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Break Free Of Destructive Dieting And Disordered Eating–Simple Research-Backed Steps From Expert Dr. Supatra Tovar
Using Self-Awareness And Mindfulness To Create Life-Long Healthy Eating Habits
Introduction
We often learn, early in life, to use food as a coping strategy. In this stressful, perfection-oriented world, the tendency to see food as both friend and enemy, a two-faced fixture that wields the power to reward, soothe, tempt, and haunt, can be amplified. While some people simply eat to live, others find themselves struggling daily to find a healthy relationship with food. For those who were not raised in food-neutral families, the journey can be especially tough. When battles with food loom large in the psyche, mental and physical health can be negatively impacted. Can we heal the diet-culture force by rethinking our relationship with food?
We’ll focus on this listener’s real-life question, “I binge eat nearly every day. Ever since I was a preteen, I’ve struggled with being overweight. Even as a kid, my Ya Gotta Be Perfect parents were constantly on me to lose weight. I’m considering semaglutide, but I know the weight would come back once I stopped using it because I think about food all the time. Could therapy help me?” With that question as the focus of this episode, I’m Dr. Carla Marie Manley, and this is Imperfect Love. Please note, as this episode contains sensitive information, listener discretion is advised. If you need support, please see the special links in the show notes.
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Welcome to Imperfect Love with Dr. Carla Marie Manley, psychologist, author, and relationship expert. I’m here to help unravel mysteries and misconceptions about love, relationships, and mental health issues, plus everything in between. Love is complicated, people are not perfect, and relationships surely can be tough. Together, we’ll navigate this messy, imperfect space of real life.
I am joined by a wonderful guest, Dr. Supatra Tovar, clinical psychologist, registered dietitian, and certified fitness expert, who will be sharing her expertise on rethinking your relationship with food to heal your mind and live a healthy, diet-free life. Welcome to the podcast, Dr. Supatra. It is such a joy to have you with us.
Thank you so much, Dr. Carla. I am very excited to be here with you.
Before we launch into the meat of this podcast, could you tell our listeners just a little bit about what makes you, you?
I am, as far as I know, the only licensed psychologist who’s also a registered dietitian and fitness expert. These designations came through a series of steps in my life. I was always active and outdoorsy. I grew up in Colorado. I grew up in nature. I grew up loving food. I didn’t have to ever worry about weight or shape as I was growing up, but I did experience somebody very close to me who experienced an eating disorder. At that time, I was so helpless to be able to do anything other than be a support to this person.
That planted a seed in me. When I went on to study in my undergraduate, I got a pre-medical biology bachelor’s, not knowing exactly where I was going to go, not knowing if it was medicine, not knowing if it was psychology, I just kept it open. It wasn’t until I was out in Los Angeles and became a Pilates instructor. At that time, I had also experienced my own difficulties with weight gain in my late 20s and early 30s that I really felt like I wanted to help more people. I want to help my Pilates clients that are coming in with these difficulties, but I don’t really have the skills for that. That’s when I decided to go get my master’s in nutritional science and become a registered dietician.
Even in that and working with people in that capacity, I felt like I still didn’t have enough to really treat how I wanted to be treated. That’s why I decided to go on and study clinical psychology and basically have what I feel is the trifecta of designations, certifications, and degrees that will really help me reformulate people’s relationship with themselves and their food through dietetics, through psychology, and through conscious exercise. We can talk about that in a little bit, but in doing that, it’s helped me create the practice of my dreams and helped me treat people in the holistic way that I want to treat them.
That is such a lovely background, and I love how each piece flows, where one thing led to another and you were really leaning into what was calling to you.
It really wasn’t until I started to practice Pilates and treat people, you don’t necessarily treat them, but you help them, you help them recover from injury, you help them become stronger. The fact that I was helping was the spark that ignited everything. That feeling that came from seeing people heal from injury just motivated me to take the very long path that I took. Every day I do this, I am absolutely filled with gratitude, just knowing I’m helping somebody somehow.
It is a beautiful feeling, isn’t it? It’s so rewarding to know that people shift because of uplifting them, sending them on their way, just maybe one slightly nudge in better form. I have a question for you. When you were growing up in Colorado, I didn’t normally dive into the past for our experts, but could you tell me if your parents were very food neutral? Was food charged in your family?
Food was charged. Food was charged in two really weird ways. My dad actually was the one who was more conscious about weight and shape, and he was the one that I saw dieting. I, personally, just thought it was weird at the time. I’m like, why wouldn’t you want to, I didn’t have a problem with that. I was just looking at that with curiosity and just seeing him. He was on these older diets, like the Scarsdale diet was the one I remember the most. He ate a lot of grapefruit, which is great. I love grapefruit.
On the other end of the spectrum, my mom is Thai. If you know anything about Asian moms, they are food obsessed, and they are very, they’ll promote, “You have to clean everything on your plate. You’ve got to eat everything that was given to you. Oh, are you hungry? Do you need more food?” It was just like this bipolar environment, seeing my dad struggling with weight and my mom really promoting eating. It never really affected me, but it certainly did affect the person that I mentioned having difficulty with eating.
It was so difficult to watch that and left such an indelible imprint in me, especially not having had the difficulties with food. It really wasn’t. I would eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I didn’t have any thought to nutrition or what I was eating. I was a voracious eater. It really wasn’t until I was in my 20s that I got it all. I understood it when I started to gain weight, not that it was like, “Oh my God, this is the worst thing that ever happened,” but it was really surprising to me.
It really started this whole snowball event where I was able to see my clients extremely clearly. I was able to reflect back on my childhood and really understand the struggle of my loved one. It just fueled the desire in me to go beyond what I was seeing as the narrative in diet culture. Certainly, just in the beginning of my nutritional science education, it’s still very steeped in diet culture. Yet I was still very questioning, like, how can this be the answer, eat less, move more, which is essentially what you get as the base of your education? How can this be if everyone’s eating less and moving more but still gaining weight or losing weight and gaining it back? That’s what really fueled this educational journey for me in understanding completely and totally the body and its reaction to dieting. I made it my mission.
If we could stop dieting forever, wouldn’t that be the most liberating, wonderful thing? Along with a lot of other things that are liberating and wonderful, wouldn’t it be lovely if we never had to diet again, if we actually learned how to tune into our body and listen to our body intently, which I don’t think is taught very well, or hardly, in a way that I think people really can grasp and then enact this change that will last forever? Once I learned all of this, dietetics, and then through psychology, and I started to practice with my clients, I was blown away by what I was teaching them and what I was seeing in terms of their progress, in terms of their ability to overcome their eating disorder or their disordered eating patterns. On top of that, to see the joy in their faces when they realized that they could be free in what they were doing and how they were eating as long as they were really tuning into themselves. That’s what prompted me to write the book.
Body Image And Eating Habits
Your book is absolutely lovely, Deprogram Diet Culture: Rethink Your Relationship with Food, Heal Your Mind, and Live a Diet-Free Life, and we will get into that step by step, especially as we use the listener’s question as a focal point. Yet before we do that, I do want to chime in and for our listeners to know how common this particular question is, how so many people write in with questions like this. Because often, when we pause and look at our, generally it’s the childhood environment where mom was really weight obsessed or overweight, or dad was really weight obsessed or overweight, critical comments or mixed messages. When people slow down to look at, was food simply there as a way to connect, as a way to sustain one’s body in healthy ways?
In most cases, not. Even if that was there in many times, culture, the society around us, all of the messages about “You must look like this person, you must look like that person.” I remember, I just flashed on this memory, I was in ballet school when I was younger, and there was one girl, her name was Amanda, I still remember her name. She had the perfect physique for a ballerina, prominent hip bones, flat everywhere, just this. I was just this little kid with still roundedness. I remember thinking then, “Will I ever look like her?” That’s what a ballerina is supposed to look like. My body will never look like Amanda’s because I’m not Amanda, but I didn’t understand that.
Growing up in a family similar to yours, where dad was a bit on every, even though dad was fit, he was very militant about it. Mom of twelve kids, she was trying to feed everybody and soothe everybody. Of course, especially the women in the family learned to, especially my older sisters, learn to self-soothe by eating. That’s such a common issue in this world. Let’s dive into the listener’s question, where this individual is feeling really stressed, it seems, because they are binge eating every day. They have been, in their words, overweight since childhood, and then lots of parental messages about being this perfect individual. What’s your take on this, just to begin with?
Not knowing this person, but really gleaning from all of these different aspects and knowing what I know about weight stigma, that is the main driver for her behaviors. But also, I’m assuming it’s a her, I think it is. It could be a man, men experience this as well.
Could be.
For the sake of this, we’ll just label this person as a female. She’s experiencing weight stigma from a lot of different areas from a very young age. I talk about this a lot in my book. The two main biases that drive diet culture are lookism, which is the pursuit of this perfect thin ideal, and weightism, or fat phobia, or fat shaming, as another term for that. I really think that weightism is the main driver of many of the negative behaviors, comments, and issues that we see with diet culture. You can see this in this person’s family, my perfect parents trying to tell me I need to diet. When a person hears that, they’re obviously being weight-shamed. Especially when you’re in your teenage years, that is so psychologically damaging.
They may have had really great intentions. They didn’t want to see her be made fun of. They didn’t want to see her go out into society and have to struggle. Those are great motivators to try to help your child. The way that they were doing this created this level of shame in this person. When we experience shame, especially when it comes from fat shaming, what you see is a vicious cycle. You see the person receive these comments, feel shamed, and feel terrible. What they most often do, and this is found in many studies, is they will go and soothe themselves with food.
They feel ashamed. They gain more weight. They get shamed some more. It is just this perpetual shame cycle. The difficult thing with binge eating is that oftentimes what we’re binging on are the things that are forbidden, things that you’re told not to eat. That’s a psychological issue. We’re told, “You can’t eat this.”
Oftentimes, we’re binging on the “forbidden” things. When we have this psychological battle of what we can’t eat, we start to crave those things even more. Share on XCarbs are bad. Sugar is the devil. All the things that we actually really love to eat are off-limits. When you have this psychological battle, nope, I can’t have that. I’m going to gain weight. I’m going to get fat. I’m going to be shamed by people, you actually start to crave those things even more.
When you reach a level of stress, there’s a certain point where it’s like, “Oh, bets are off. Who cares? I’m going to go out, and I’m going to binge on these things because I’ll satisfy this, and then I’ll never eat them again.” They go through the cycle again. They get re-shamed again. They feel terrible. They have a breaking point. The cycle continues.
I help this so often in my practice. There are so many ways that you can actually start to address this and change this behavior for good. I’m happy to start going into that if you’d like to.
Absolutely, because I agree with you. That shame cycle, whatever the addiction is, whether it’s a food addiction, alcohol addiction, weed addiction, sex addiction, shopping addiction, work addiction, whatever the addiction is, yet food is a primary need. Unlike maybe alcohol, although we’re drawn to drink as human beings, even if it’s not alcohol, we find that those hand-to-mouth patterns are among the hardest to break because they come from early childhood. There’s so much hardwiring in the physiology because it’s a behavior we’ve engaged in since bottle-fed, little hands around the bottle, whatever’s happening, little hands on mommy as you’re nursing, whatever it is. These are hardwired patterns, deeply embedded. We add on all of the psychological baggage that comes over time.
The messages we get, even when we don’t realize we’re getting the messages, we aren’t realizing that dad might be saying to mom, “Oh, don’t eat that, you’re going to get fat,” or saying to an older brother, “Oh, don’t eat that, you’re going to get fat,” whatever’s happening. The messages when you’re watching a movie, who is the guy or who’s the gal that’s most desired? It’s the slim, trim, picture-perfect ones. We’re getting these messages from early childhood onward. That’s the piece when you talk about, you called it lookism, is that what?
Lookism.
Lookism
Could you describe a little bit? We’ve talked a lot about the fat phobia and how that’s a big driving force. What about the lookism?
That’s the ideal. That is the pursuit. Lookism is the pursuit of the thin ideal. You mentioned, oh, you look at movies, and who is the girl that gets the handsome guy? It’s a narrative that’s been played out forever. Alongside, usually, there’s some friend that’s her best friend, who might be heavier, less good-looking, doesn’t get it, and often is derided or made fun of for their weight. We consume this media. We also see this everywhere.
We see it in social media, especially if you’re not really curating the content and you start to see more and more diet-related messaging. The algorithm then brings you more and more of this. You can become inundated with seeing this thin ideal. You have to be wary when you’re seeing this because you don’t know which images are doctored. You don’t know what filters people are using, things like that. If you see enough of it and then you are comparing yourself to that thin ideal and seeing how you’re not stacking up, that is what drives so many people into diet culture. Along with the people who grew up overweight and have been made fun of, derided, or put down, they’re also going to diet culture for the answer. The answer, I think, over time has always been the same.
Comparison to the thin ideal drives people into diet culture. Share on XIt is this eat-less, move-more mentality, but it’s shifted and morphed over time. Actually, way, way back before the industrial age of the industrial revolution, being overweight was actually the ideal because it meant that you had money. It meant that you had access to healthcare. It meant you had better food. The people who were thin and emaciated were the ones who were out there working in the field, didn’t have money, didn’t have food. It really wasn’t until food became proliferated and available to all people that the wealthier people wanted a way to distinguish themselves from them. That’s when they started to, in the Victorian age, wear corsets and really have this emphasis on weight and shape, the hourglass figure.
Go into the ’50s, and it was on like Donkey Kong after that. What do we need to look like? That’s when movies were really starting to become super popular. You had these glamorous Hollywood starlets who were this perfect ideal. Everyone got on board with that. Diets just shifted and changed over the years. Before, in the ’50s, they were using a lot of medications, uppers, and things like that to try to control their appetite, just not eating at all. You move into the ’70s and the ’80s, and that’s when sugar, I don’t know, really, I think it was fat first.
Fat was the devil. Everything became very sugary. Sugar and carbs are what is considered the devil, what we’re supposed to completely eliminate from our diet. You look at also, and I think you mentioned this before, and I think it’s really important to mention food addiction or food noise. We hear a lot about food addiction and food noise. Yes, part of that can come from psychology because many people will immediately go, if they’re stressed, and think about the comfort foods they had when they were young. Oftentimes, comfort foods contain more fat, carbohydrates, sugar, things like that.
There’s this nurturing comfort that a lot of people receive from that. We also have to look at the food industry, which has been pretty insidious in terms of employing scientists to make foods hyper-palatable and possibly even addicting. There’s still a lot of debate out there about that. If you look at binge eating in particular, you’re most often stressed because you’ve been a victim of weight shaming or fat phobia. You have probably derived some comfort from higher-fat foods when you were a child, maybe at birthday parties. Even though this listener’s question said that the parents were very weight-shaming with her, they may have also had a lot of mixed messaging in what they were trying to impart on her.
They would give you a cake when you did really well or encourage you to finish all of your food or whatever. Their mixed messaging creates all of this confusion and then creates this drive to eat more of this comfort food, which is also highly palatable and possibly addicting. That’s a big driver of the binge eating cycle as well. Delving into and understanding what our messaging was when we were young, how that made us form certain beliefs about ourselves, oftentimes negative beliefs, what those beliefs created as emotions and feelings in you, and how that drove the behavior, that’s what I do with all of my clients that come in.
I really go into that and go into even more detail. What were their attachments to their parents? Did they have anxious attachments? Did they have avoidant attachments? All different attachment styles actually do lead to certain eating styles and behaviors. It’s really interesting stuff. I help clients really understand this.
Especially their feelings and thoughts about themselves, I help them examine that very closely. We really determine whether these thoughts are actually true. Are they substantiated by evidence? Are they actually maybe formed out of one comment from one person long ago, or like you experienced with your friend who was the balletic ideal that sticks with you for a long time, and you think, I should look like that, or I must achieve that? When you really challenge these thoughts, and you formulate thoughts that are not only healthier and truer but also more self-compassionate and empathetic, while you are also increasing your self-awareness, your self-awareness is everything, in my opinion. We tend to, especially with dieting, ignore what our body is telling us.
I’m going to jump in here because we have a lot on the plate for our listeners, no pun intended. Let’s recap some of this. Historically, in certain cultures, food was definitely, being overweight was a sign of being wealthy, of having plenty of food to eat in certain cultures, in certain time periods, and definitely from the 1700s to 1800s forward, those who were able to relax and have a less, a more sedentary way of life. They came to realize, how do we differentiate? How do we set ourselves above the other people, the people who are working every day? That did come with more clothing that was beautiful, and more jewels, and, as you say, the whalebone corsets, and all of the things that then lead us into, we’re in the 1900s, and what do we have?
We have the print, we have magazines, we have newspapers, so we have the spread, the beginning of this advertising that is showing the ideal man, the ideal woman, the ideal housewife. This is what she wears, this is how she looks. From that time forward, thank you, printing press, it’s done a lot of good, it’s spread literacy around the world, but it has really, and photography, the advent of photography, we started being able to have the visuals. We weren’t just comparing ourselves to our neighbors, and our friends, and the community around the band. We were looking at images of the people that we wanted, or may have wanted, to look like and be. We’re into the lookism, and I really like dismantling that because it is a huge influence. I know I’m not much of a purchaser of things, but being a yogi, and a yoga instructor, and all of that, I do get some yoga advertisements of yoga clothes. I notice how even the ones that are body-friendly, body-neutral, who do they highlight?
There’s one company in particular that very rarely highlights photographs of the average woman. They are by far the non-average, super fit, super thin, super muscular, all-in-one, perfect person. Most people don’t dismantle it the way that I dismantle it, and look and say, “Oh, you know, that’s too bad they’re continuing to do that.” Instead, people are looking at it and saying, “Oh, it’s too bad I don’t look like that,” when it’s a very small portion of the population. No matter how much you starve yourself, no matter what medication you go on for the short term or the long term, like our listeners talking about this person’s looking at going on semaglutide, and research shows that when you go off, you’re likely, so you’re signing, you’re likely going to gain it back. It’s not changing your habits, it’s changing your taste for food in the short term. We don’t know the long-term effects of it, especially for people who aren’t using it for diabetes.
We are then again getting caught in the diet culture in a different way. It’s medical, yes, so it’s medicalized, so people think it’s okay. What about for the people who have underlying heart issues that are diagnosed or not diagnosed? All sorts of things. We’re not physicians, so we’re not listeners, we are not saying take, don’t take. We are saying be cautious, be curious, really look at research, talk to your medical practitioner. Often, underneath, before you go to the quick fix of the medication, often the work you do underneath, which is the work you’re talking about, or you’re looking at, in my fourth book, I talk about how our feelings, thoughts, mindset, and energy lead to our actions.
Tips From Dr. Supatra
When we realize that interplay of five, of the feelings, the thoughts, the mindset, the energy, the action, it sounds like you work from that paradigm as well. Let’s take all of this beautiful groundwork you’ve set up, and let’s take it to the listener’s question, using your book as much as you want to share, to give our listeners some steps. Aside from buying your book, which they can do, and devour it in the most beautiful way, what are some tips?
There are seven steps that I outline in the book, and I think the most important thing that everybody is listening to, if you can just adapt and adopt as truth, because it is, is that dieting does not work, and there are biological and evolutionary reasons why dieting doesn’t work. The body does not like to be in any restriction or starvation, and if you look at most diets, most diets fall within around the 1,200-calorie-a-day range. That is not enough to fuel a toddler. So the body, when it’s sensing, “Okay, whoa, we have much less food coming into our body,” it starts to ramp up your hunger hormone, ghrelin.
It starts to make sure that leptin levels are not influenced, so that you stay hungry, as opposed to getting full, and it’s recording. Your body is recording how much fat, how much water, and how much muscle is being lost, because it has plans to regain that in the same proportion it was lost when the diet started. It is a futile effort when you look at these highly restrictive diets. And on top of that, there’s a process in your body called thermogenesis, and it basically just means the burning off of your fat stores.
When you diet, the body’s like, “Uh-oh, we’re in a starvation period,” and what it actually does is suppress thermogenesis. It’s like, “Nope, no, no, no, no, we’re not burning up any fat because these juicy fat calories are going to keep us alive, and we want these.” If you keep losing weight, yes, you might lose fat, you might lose muscle, you might lose water, but the moment you go off a diet, what happens is compensatory hyperphagia sets in, and all that means is, you eat a lot, and it’s biological. It’s like you cannot help it. I really want people to grasp that any diet is going to be futile. What is the answer then? If they’re looking to stop, say, binge eating, what is the answer?
Before you go to the answer, I want to dive in here for just a minute, in case our listeners are saying, “This doesn’t make sense, this doesn’t make sense. How could diet culture possibly still be continuing?” It’s because, for thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of years, before the late 1700s, 1800s, when food was plentiful and we started eating more for comfort than survival, our bodies were designed to get us through famine. They’re designed to do exactly what you were talking about. These aren’t trick words that Dr. Supatra is talking about. These are actual biological functions that are in our systems to keep us alive, and we are thinking, because we’re so smart, we are thinking we can override them and go on this fancy diet, and it will change thousands and thousands of years of biological imperative. Please continue.
You see that that’s actually the main driver, the financial driver behind the culture, because we don’t grasp this fact. We think, “Oh, it was my fault that this diet didn’t work, so I’m going to go try that one, or I’m going to try this one, or I, oh, we’ve got these medications, and I can do this.” Even with these medications, and this is specifically for this listener who wrote this question, the medications, and I don’t want to disparage it for anyone who needs it to manage diabetes or any of the other health conditions that may require this medication. When people are using this as a weight loss method, it’s really scary, because you are putting your body into this starvation mode, but you don’t really feel the effects of it. However, you do have such a reduced appetite that often many processes in your life are affected. If you’re getting, I’ve heard people only getting, 800 calories a day, we cannot run our brains on that.
There is no way that our body can actually sustain that level of deprivation, even if the message isn’t going through the brain. The body’s like, “Oh, Lord, no. Oh, my gosh.” I’ve heard of people fainting. I’ve heard of people having just really amazingly horrible mental health status when they’ve been on this medication. Anxiety goes through the roof. Depression goes through the roof. It’s so important to remember that even though this is touted as a quick fix and promoted as that fast way that you’re going to get there, it’s no different, really, other than you’re tricking your mind.
There’s no difference from that to some highly restricted 800 to 1,200-calorie diet, other than your mind is being tricked. If we can just accept the fact that dieting does not work in the long run, then we can learn all of the wonderful ways that we can then move out of diet culture and move toward a more natural and holistic way to be your healthiest self. I say healthiest self because the emphasis of my book is not on weight loss. It’s about reformulating this relationship with yourself and food. Oftentimes, and with a lot of my clients, especially the ones who’ve come from binge eating, weight loss is a side effect. It is not the goal. Weight loss naturally happens when they start to become aware of their past. That’s basically the second step in my book, is really understanding where you came from.
I talked about this a little bit before. What were your attachments? What was all of your messaging? What were the influences that came to you? What was your childhood relationship with food? Keep in mind, before all of those messages, most children have a very natural style of eating. They eat when they’re hungry. They stop when they’re full. They eat what they like. They don’t eat what they don’t like. It’s not until this messaging comes in that they get confused. They stop listening to their body and they start to listen to everything else. Understanding that childhood food relationship and how that influences your present food relationship, and really gaining awareness about this, where did all of these ideas come from is the next step. I go into hunger and fullness versus emotional and mindless eating. I think, especially in diet culture, we are encouraged to ignore our hunger.
In the education piece, when we ignore our hunger, that’s when our body’s like, “No, stop. This is bad. No, no, no.” When we also eat mindlessly, or we eat emotionally, or we can also do both, that’s when we’re also messing around with our hunger and our fullness. The key, and this has actually been, I think, for all of my clients, the magic lightbulb moment for them, is when they realize that if they actually just honored their hunger and ate when they were hungry and ate in a way that they could monitor, meaning not mindlessly, not emotionally, if they’re aware, and they stop when they’re no longer hungry. They listen to their body as opposed to checking out. Most people, especially when they’re eating emotionally, especially when they’re eating mindlessly, they’re checking out.
I ask them, “No, no, no, check in, check in, determine the difference.” A lot of people say, “Okay, I know when I’m hungry because my tummy gets grumbly, and I start to get lightheaded, and I get hangry, and all I can think about is food, and I get a little weak.” They know those physical symptoms. Emotional eating and mindless eating are two different things. Emotional eating, I had someone describe emotional hunger as a hunger in the heart, and that’s when a sudden burst of emotion will just drive the person to eat, and it’s usually negative emotion, although it can be positive. We feast during the holidays and all that stuff, so that can also be a form of emotional eating or comfort eating. We also eat mindlessly.
Oftentimes, I think mindless eating is a product of negative emotions as well, and just going on autopilot with what we’re eating, or we’ve done it the same way forever, or we’re always eating in front of the TV, or we always have some device in front of us, and maybe the device is giving us negative messaging, or we’re just mindlessly scrolling, and you’re not paying attention, and you can just eat until you’re way past full. One of the most important things we can do is actually honor what our bodies are telling us.
One of the most important things we can do is to honor what our bodies are telling us. Share on XWhat the body is saying, and I agree with you, and I think one of the most fun examples of that is going to the movie theater. If you’re used to eating popcorn at the movie theater, most of us know what it’s like. You sit, and it’s not a movie if you don’t have popcorn with salt, and maybe butter if you like butter, and you can look down and go, “Oh, I can’t believe I ate all of that,” because it’s not, you don’t even know if you were hungry or not. It was part of the experience. All too often, that is what happens with overeating, or even over-drinking, or binge eating.
You’re in a reactive space, not responding to that cue of the stomach, and I agree with you. If we learn to be mindful, and you had said much earlier that self-awareness is the ideal, that’s what is so important, and I agree that as we, that’s why the journey of healthy eating can take time, because like any healthy habit that you’re growing, it is about becoming self-aware, non-judgmental, noticing when you’re in that negative habit loop, not judging yourself or shaming yourself.
It’s about tuning into the body, and I think it’s the Japanese who eat till they’re two-thirds full, because it takes the stomach 30 minutes to tell us, for it to tell us, “Oh, I’m full.” If we learn to be really mindful, really intentional, it becomes a diet to lose weight. That kind of diet doesn’t have to be on our radar. It’s more about having a healthy diet that allows us to have food when we’re hungry a little bit, if we’re getting edgy, or whatever it is, and just be in that flow state with food, where food becomes a friend, not the enemy, not the controlling force.
That’s so funny that you just said that, because the next step is about being your own best friend, as opposed to your worst enemy. That’s where I really get into more cognitive behavioral therapy techniques to help people really examine their thoughts. I spoke about it a little bit earlier, but a lot of people have thought about it so long they call it automatic thought or automatic thinking. They’ve thought it so long that they don’t even register it. It’s just this running loop in the background. Oftentimes, people who have struggled with weight, or shape, or dieting, or maybe even have an eating disorder, they have very specific thoughts about themselves, and often they are very negative.
Probably the most common thought that comes up with my clients is, I’m worthless, which is heartbreaking to me, because I mean, there is not a person on earth that doesn’t have worth. There’s not a person on earth that isn’t unique, and special, and incredible in their own way. That’s what I help people really discover in themselves. We do some very traditional cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, such as figuring out what these thoughts are. What do we come from? When we look at our childhood, what are these thoughts? Listen, let’s actually break it down. What is the evidence that it’s true? Lay it all out. What’s the evidence that it’s false?
When we do that part, that’s when there are a lot of light bulb moments as well, because they can really go down a list that actually disproves this thought so wholeheartedly. It’s the actual process of examining it and comparing that they say, “Oh my God, I’ve had a thought. I’ve had it for so long, and it’s not true.” I have so many people in my life who love me. I have so many friends. I’m valued at work. They’re just not thinking of it because they’ve thought this automatic thought for so long. I help them figure out, well, what’s the actual truth of it? Most times, when you look at “I am worthless,” people actually come to “I am worthwhile.”
It’s so important, Dr. Supatra, and listeners, when we become very granular, very mindful in looking at these thoughts, we realize that those links between “I am, I binge ate, therefore I’m worthless,” “I am overweight, therefore I’m worthless,” “I am not stick thin, therefore I am worthless.” When we start looking at these thoughts and the feelings that are underneath them, the anxiety, the sadness, the despair, all of those things that come up, when we start contrasting them with the truth, which is, as you were saying, that’s what we start looking at, our thoughts often lie to us, especially the ones we learned in childhood that tell us that we are not good, or not lovable, or not worthy, all of those things. And so much of that, we naturally try to wash down those thoughts, keep them down by eating, and then we get back to where we began with that shame loop, that vicious cycle.
Dr. Supatra, are there any… I know there’s so much more, but I would like… there is so much more, but you’ve given us a beautiful taste of the journey toward really letting go of the diet culture, looking at it in the face for what it is, a vast money-making machine. Pharmaceutical companies are making the stocks off the charts, the food culture that is truly manufacturing food that has addictive qualities to it, they dial in just the right amount of fat, just the right amount of sugar, just the right amount of salt to keep people coming back for more.
Tuning Into Your Body
People think they’re broken. No, it’s not you that’s broken, it is a system. We didn’t even have a chance to talk about the whole food pyramid and how carbohydrates were touted because wheat was so plentiful, corn was so plentiful. So, the food pyramid that Americans were raised on, that eats this heavy base of carbs, it’s not that any food is inherently good or bad, it’s how we use it and how we have become so out of balance. As our expert, any last words on this topic? We could talk for many podcasts about it.
I would say that for that listener, if they can just examine objectively where they came from, what these influences were, and learn how to tap in and tune into their body, not only to determine hunger and fullness, but also to eat mindfully, to embrace mindfulness, to examine their thoughts, to change their thoughts, and then create lasting behaviors that will change that for good, that is the way to permanently get out of the binge-eating cycle. Going on medication, I think this listener is pretty accurate. If you go on, you may go on for some time to try to lose the weight, but then the weight will come back. If you want a lasting solution that is also joyful, that brings back the love of food, that also increases the love for yourself and appreciation of everything around you, there is another way. If you read the book, you’ll read the success stories from my clients, their names and identifying characteristics have all been changed.
Everyone that is featured in this book has been filled with renewed purpose and life and has achieved this before they thought it was impossible to eat what they wanted when they wanted. If they were on that trajectory, lose weight, when they realize that they can do this just by tuning into their body, that’s what frees them. I’m really hopeful that we can create a revolution that rejects diet culture, all of these industries, and actually help fuel new industries that are going to be beneficial for us. I’m hoping everybody joins this revolution with me, because it’s a really happy place.
We can create a revolution that rejects diet culture. Join the revolution because it's a really happy place. Share on XThank you so much. I love how you highlight the joy aspect of it, because when we tune into ourselves, when we become more self-aware, we can’t help but become more joyful, because joy is inside of all of us just waiting to get bigger and bigger. Before we go, I just want to emphasize two things for our listeners. First, remember, we are not dispensing medical advice, the research is out there, and you want to consult your medical practitioner. But there’s plenty of research showing that semaglutide does do things like decrease muscle mass. Be wary, be mindful, listen to your doc, and do the research.
The second piece, and this goes back to Dr. Supatra’s protocol, remember, patterns that are ingrained are hard to change. As you work to create healthier patterns, be kind to yourself, be patient with yourself, and get the support you deserve, because when your brain is wired a certain way from childhood forward, or teen forward, or 20s forward, it’s going to take some patience to get healthy new habits. Celebrate those successes, give yourself loads of kudos when you’re in that flow that feels good, and you’re tuning in. When you have a hiccup, as you surely will, because we all have hiccups, just try and learn that lesson in a really kind, empathic way, because we don’t want to get into that shame cycle. There’s no upside. Dr. Supatra, where can our listeners find you?
I am located in California. If anyone wants to come and see me as a therapy client, and just to answer that last bit of your listener’s question, yes, therapy can very much so help you. I highly encourage you, wherever what state you’re in. I’m licensed in California, Colorado, Illinois, and soon to be New York, you can find me there at DrSupatraTovar.com. That is my practice website. I also have my book, which just released on Monday, and it is available on Amazon, and I’m sure you’ll probably put that into the show links, but it’s called Deprogram Diet Culture: Rethink Your Relationship with Food, Heal Your Mind, and Live a Diet-Free Life. I also have an online course with the same name that’s a deeper dive into what you find in the book. That can be found at Anew-Insight.com. On both websites, you can find all my little socials, follow me, DM me, email me. I’m super friendly. I’m super open to hearing comments from anyone. So many ways to reach out to me.
Thank you so much. I have to say, you are quite phenomenal. Licensed in four states, clinical psychiatrist, clinical psychologist, you are a registered dietitian, and you are a fitness expert. That is a lot, listeners. She has so many qualifications that, and an author, we can’t miss the fact that you have written this amazing book to help so many people around the world. Thanks again, Dr. Supatra, for being with us. It’s been such a pleasure.
Thank you so much, Dr. Carla, you are such a beautiful soul. It just emanates off of you. I just feel like you are just a person so full of love. It has been such a pleasure to sit with you.
Thank you. Same back at you. I can feel all of your goodness through the computer screen. Thank you. Thank you for your wisdom. Thank you for your passion. Thank you for all that you bring. To our listeners, thank you so much for joining us. This is Imperfect Love.
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Thanks so much for sharing your time with me. Remember, you have the power to transform your life and love fearlessly, if imperfectly, and it’s my privilege to help you along the way. You can find more life-changing content, including my books and other podcast episodes, at DrCarlaManly.com. Feel free to submit your own confidential questions through my website. I’ll do my very best to include your issue in a future episode. If you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe and leave a review.
Until we connect again, this is Dr. Carla Marie Manley wishing you oceans of blessings and love. Please note, this podcast is psychoeducational in nature and is not intended to replace formal mental health support. Please contact your healthcare provider or emergency hotline if you need psychiatric care. As always, please take good care of your amazing, wonderful self.
Important Links
- Deprogram Diet Culture: Rethink Your Relationship with Food, Heal Your Mind, and Live a Diet-Free Life
- DrSupatraTovar.com
- Anew-Insight.com
- DrCarlaManly.com
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About Supatra Tovar
As one of the only clinical psychologists who is also a registered dietitian and certified fitness expert, Dr. Tovar teaches clients how to use research-based techniques in behavioral psychology, nutritional science, and exercise kinesiology to overcome complex challenges. She harnesses the different disciplines of her unique background to show her clients how small modifications to daily habits can transform mindsets, enhance personal relationships, and accelerate professional trajectories. Dr. Tovar has helped clients navigate through trauma, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and grief.
Driven by her deep understanding of the mind, body, and nutrition and by personal experiences that revealed their interconnections, Dr. Tovar founded ANEW, Advanced Nutrition and Emotional Wellness, to offer simple routines to improve your mindset, your health, and your spirit. The flagship online video course, “Deprogram Diet Culture,” guides participants through the successful 7-step method she has employed to help clients break free from the destructive cycles of dieting and weight gain. A condensed version of the course is available as a book Deprogram Diet Culture: Rethink Your Relationship With Food, Heal Your Mind, and Live a Diet-Free Life to be published in September of 2024. Future publications will further explore the integration of psychology, nutrition, and physical wellness.
As a sought-after speaker, Dr. Tovar has spoken on how to cultivate habits that foster the change they want in their health, their career, and their relationships. She has been interviewed by the Times of London, the Washington Post, the New York Times, and other media outlets and has presented at numerous national conferences about disordered eating, health disparities, and mindfulness.
Dr. Tovar earned her doctorate in psychology from the California School of Professional Psychology and has two master’s degrees, including a Master of Science in Nutrition. She is also a BASI Certified Pilates Instructor, reflecting over 20 years of dedication to integrating physical fitness with mental and nutritional health.
For more information go to www.anew-insight.com and www.drsupatratovar.com.