Are you exhausted by chronic mental gymnastics, those anxiety-inducing, topsy-turvy cognitive gyrations that get in the way of what you want to be thinking and doing? Dr. Carla Manly has found that people are increasingly plagued by obsessive or negative thought patterns that foster anxiety, depression, and stress that can lead to severe burnout. The secret to creating a healthy mindset–and the positive changes that follow–can be found in the art of gently training your mind to intentionally choose thoughts and behaviors that work for you–rather than against you.

Join Dr. Carla and self-care expert Dr. Nekeshia Hammond for a delightful journey into learning how to create thought patterns that reduce anxiety while also boosting inner peace and joy! Topics discussed include mindsets, awareness, holistic self-care, emotions, secure attachment, insecure attachment, anxious attachment, preoccupied attachment, burnout, burnout prevention, self-care, spirituality, support, feelings, obsessive thoughts, ruminations, breathing, CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), thought replacement, thought stopping, thought leaning, neuroplasticity, neurobiology, fight or flight, sympathetic nervous system, parasympathetic nervous system, breathing exercises, and panic attacks.

Please note that this episode contains sensitive trauma-related material; listener discretion is advised.

Emergency Assistance Note: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911” or “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline). Additional links are in the show notes.

Get the help you need:

https://www.nami.org/support-education/nami-helpline/

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd

Books by Dr. Carla Manly:

Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly

Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend

Aging Joyfully: A Woman’s Guide to Optimal Health, Relationships, and Fulfillment for Her 50s and Beyond

The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships

Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:

Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly/

Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/drcarlamanly/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drcarlamanly

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr.carlamariemanly8543

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_carla_manly

Book by Dr. Nekeshia Hammond:

Mindset Training: Conquer Your Mind and the Rest Will Follow

Connect with Dr. Nekeshia Hammond:

Website: https://drnekeshiahammond.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drnekeshiahammond/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/dr_hammond

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrNekeshiaHammond/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/drnekeshiahammond/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/drnekeshiahammond

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Create Inner Calm and Reduce Anxiety with Self-Care Expert Dr. Nekeshia Hammond

Free Yourself from Mental Chatter and Obsessive Thoughts with Five Simple Steps!

Are you exhausted by chronic mental gymnastics, those topsy-turvy cognitive gyrations that get in the way of what you want to be thinking and doing? I’ve found that people are increasingly plagued by obsessive or negative thought patterns that foster anxiety, depression, and that ongoing stress that can lead to severe burnout. The secret to creating a healthy mindset and the positive changes that follow can be found in the art of gently training your mind to intentionally choose thoughts and behaviors that work for you rather than against you.

We’ll focus on this listener’s real-life question. “Can you please help me find a way to stop obsessing about everything? My boyfriend says he is sick of me constantly worrying about our relationship. He says I stress him out by thinking about how things will go bad instead of how they could go right. I get that he’s irritated, but I cannot stop myself.” With that question as the focus of our episode. I am joined by a very special guest, Dr. Nekeshia Hammond, who will be sharing her expertise on holistic self-care, burnout prevention, and mindset training.

 

 

Welcome to the show, Dr. Nekeshia. It’s so lovely to have you with us.

Thank you. I’m so happy to be here.

Before we launch into the topic, could you tell our readers just a little bit about what makes you?

What makes me, me is I would definitely say perseverance is a good word and just learning how to continue to grow as a person. How to handle the bumps in the road and the obstacles and the detours that life gives us oftentimes, but just continually being in a mindset to grow through those life lessons and continue to find ways to help other people in the process as well.

Perseverance is about learning how to continue to grow as a person and handle life’s bumps, obstacles, and detours while helping others along the way. Share on X

You put that very eloquently and I appreciate that perseverance is certainly key and I also like how you highlighted that journey of self-growth. Some people don’t engage in it at all. For some people, that’s just one of the most, if not the most important parts of life and it takes intention. We don’t grow in positive ways unless we really dive in and work it. Thank you. I’m curious for those who are watching the video of this, I’m seeing an orange football and an orange Gator football helmet in the background. That’s telling me perhaps you live in Florida or have something to do with it, I’m guessing the Gators must be a football team.

Yes, I live in Florida. I did. That’s my alma mater. I went to the University of Florida. I am a diehard college football fan of the Florida Gators. Yes.

You highlight those.

I bleed orange and blue.

I like that. Thank you for that little tidbit about yourself. Go Gators.

Yes, go Gators.

Mindset Training Basics

Let’s launch into it, you have so much wisdom in the area of mindset training. You have authored a book about mindset training that our listeners, you can find that in the show notes. It’s so important when we’re thinking about how to take charge of our minds because as I well know, having been there, our minds can take charge of us, and then we feel like we are at their mercy. It’s something you and I work with clients and groups on, helping people understand that they don’t need to be at the mercy of whatever those mental gymnastics are. Those back-and-forth scripts and little hamster wheel thoughts that are going round and round. Can you guide us into some of those basics?

It is a process. I don’t want to remind people. It’s not an overnight process for sure. When you really dive into the journey of inner work and retraining your brain and starting to really become aware of your thoughts and the patterns that happen in your negative thoughts especially, all of us have some story that we’re telling ourselves. Sometimes it’s, I’m not good enough, or I’m not this enough, or I’m not that enough, or I don’t have this. Like those types of negative thoughts. Unfortunately, what happens when we continue to dwell in that mindset is it really can lead to more anxiety or lead to depression.

 

 

The good news is when we start to work on taking control of our thoughts, and then managing those thoughts that are coming in, then we can do more preventative work. I do want to remind people too, because I don’t want to minimize, this spectrum when it comes to negative thinking. In some cases, you try things on your own and it’s not enough and you might need the help of a mental health professional, which is completely okay if you have to take that step. It’s very doable to really work on ourselves and do that inner work.

I so appreciate that you brought up that vital piece that sometimes we can do the work ourselves. We absolutely can. Sometimes we need assistance. It’s the same with whether it’s a landscaping project or a project at work or a home repair. Sometimes we can do something ourselves and sometimes we need somebody to help guide us on the way.

It’s interesting in the realm of mental health. People have been often raised to think that seeking mental health care, that support is a negative, whereas, “If I want to learn gymnastics or something, I’m not going to think twice about reaching out for a coach. I’m going to want that to make sure that I’m in top form, or at least as top as I could get.”

We want to look at all of this, as you said, on a spectrum. If you’re at a place on that spectrum where you feel like, “I’m just at the mercy of these chronic negative thoughts, and I’ve tried meditation, and I’ve tried journaling and I’ve tried this and I’ve tried that.” It simply means you need some support. That’s all it means. It doesn’t mean you’re bad or broken or stupid or anything like that. It simply means you, like all of us, are imperfect and need a little bit of support or a lot of support. That too is okay.

It really is, unfortunately, as we know, with the stigma of mental health is one of the reasons why as a society we tend to hesitate. Like you said, like we’re afraid. What if people think I’m crazy or what do people think I’m stupid or weak or all these things that are not true? I find that when it comes to other areas of growth, just even actually, as you said, like a do-it-yourself home project, like either you can do it or you need the help of someone else.

The same thing with working out. Sometimes you can do it on your own or you need to be in group classes getting coaching or business. You need coaching. There are so many other areas that we depend on other people in a good way to help us through. I hate that sometimes we stop when it comes to our mental health though. We’re like, “Oh.” We don’t want to ask anyone. We’ll ask on the physical health side.

Maybe hopefully go to the doctor, go to the physician to get that guidance. When it comes to the mental health side, then we take a pause. My hope for society is that we understand more how important it is for us to focus on our mental health as well and get the guidance and support that you need. If you’re not able to do those, the tools that you’re doing at home are not enough because there’s nothing wrong with seeking the help of a mental health professional

I love that you brought up the piece about the physicians because if I found myself or something else happening on my body and, neurobiologically, we have somehow become wired often through generally through no fault of our own. We didn’t ask our brain to get topsy-turvy, some trauma, or maybe just a genetic predisposition. Some things happen. That part is a little broken.

When we have something that’s a little broken on a neurobiological level, let’s just dive in, and maybe do some self-work. If that’s not working, maybe then find a book such as yours, and I want to highlight your book, Mindset Training: Conquer Your Mind and the Rest Will Follow, when we realize that if we try those steps and sometimes they’re sufficient, they’re more than enough, and sometimes we also want a mental health practitioner in tandem with all of those other pieces.

I think for the person who wrote in, that’s a really good place to start because it sounds as if it is a part of their life. It’s not just limited to the interactions with the boyfriend. Sounds as if they are having trouble with this broken record in their mind that is having them worry constantly, prepare for the worst constantly, and thus create stress, not just for the individual, but for those in proximity to that individual.

I always say there’s no trophy out there for suffering. You don’t have to live that way. We don’t have to live in a constant state of worry and panic and anxiety and depression and fear because there are tools out there to help with our mental state. The most important thing is to make sure we’re connecting ourselves to those resources. Sometimes it’s a mental health professional. Sometimes it’s a coach, it’s a mentor, it’s a best friend, it’s someone at a place of worship. The help comes in a lot of different forms but it’s really critically important for us to make sure we’re connecting ourselves to those resources and work on understanding that we deserve to be emotionally healthy. We deserve to be happy. We deserve to have joy. We deserve to have full and fulfilling lives as well.

 

 

I like that you said that there is no trophy for suffering because that is a mindset. We’re talking about mindsets. If we have a mindset that is saying something like, “I need to suffer. I should suffer in my normal state, suffer is what my mom did. Suffering makes me stronger.” We can choose to shift that mindset into something like, “Rather than going the complete opposite, I don’t want to suffer, we can go something more positive, which is, I want to have a life of ease. I want to have thoughts that feel good to me.

I want to have thoughts that allow me to connect with others and allow them to connect with me.” Those might listeners feel very unfamiliar to you. As Dr. Nekeshia said already, it’s baby steps. All of this self-work is baby steps. I realized for me in my life, it’s even though I’m a mental health professional, I don’t ever stop doing my baby steps. They look different. They’re easier some days, but that journey of self-work, is something that gets rusty if you don’t practice it and you don’t baby step your way toward that next level that we hope that next level does bring more ease and joy.

I’m a huge advocate of baby steps. I feel like I’ve used that term. I think, yeah, it’s definitely in the book of taking baby steps sometimes because, especially when we’re struggling or we’re in a dark season of our lives, it’s hard to think of taking a leap. Like your brain, it’s just too much and it’s overwhelming. If you remind yourself that the baby steps count too like one of the strategies I put in the book is, and one of my favorite strategies that I used after I hit burnout and needed to make some changes in my life is called take a minute which is essentially finding 60 seconds a day for yourself to reset and recharge your brain and your body.

The baby steps count. Even taking 60 seconds a day to reset and recharge your mind and body can start a snowball of positive change. Share on X

We’re constantly on the go-go. Things is happening in the world and social media, our family, our friends. It is overwhelming and stressful for our minds and bodies. When we take the baby step, even if you need to say, “What is it that I need to do in this day to pause and reflect and do something that brings me joy, even if it’s just taking some deep breaths? That is the baby step that can start a snowball and really continue the inner work that we all need to do.

Thank you. We’re already starting off with some really good nuggets. I love that piece of just take 60 seconds. If we think about it, that can be eight nice inhalations and exhalations. That 60 seconds can be sitting with that cup of tea in our hands and just being and warding off thoughts or just letting the thoughts float by. 60 seconds is, that’s doable.

Very doable.

Defining Mindset

That’s doable. 60 seconds. I like doable. I have a question so that our readers can know where you are starting from. How do you define mindset?

I like to think of mindset holistically. I like to think of it as where are we at as far as our physical self-care, mental self-care, emotional self-care, and our spiritual self-care. A lot of this starts in our minds. A lot of times we have to think of where are we and where are we trying to be at if we’re trying to be better versions of ourselves. Again, there are different aspects of who we are and where is your mind related to your growth in those four areas.

Got it. The way you define mindset from that holistic stance is where are you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually? I’m almost seeing those four pieces and that we take a thermometer and dip it in there and take our temperature perhaps of each one. Where am I physically? Readers, you’re welcome to do this right now, just imagine your physical body and putting a thermometer in that says maybe zero, not good at all, and then numbers up to a 10, and 10 is wow, awesome.

Being able to just take in that temperature, where am I physically? Where am I mentally? What’s happening with my thoughts? Where am I emotionally? How are my emotions? Where am I spiritually? This doesn’t mean that there has to be religion in there, it surely can, but you might even think of it as, “Where’s your energy?” By learning, I can see us doing this in that 60-second piece that you’re talking about because we often are so busy doing, taking care of others, that we forget to put either a thermometer or that oil dipstick for those of you who have ever had to check your oil.

You put that in there or check the temperature on a turkey, whatever it is that resonates with you. Maybe get used to, it because honestly, I have to say I have probably never done that. I have never segmented all of those four parts. I often ask myself, “How am I doing?” I just go, “I feel physically well. I feel energetic. I feel a little sad.” I like this method of taking the temperature of those four distinct areas. That’s brilliant. Thank you, Dr. Nekeshia.

You’re welcome. It absolutely is a process and you’re so right. I remember growing up too. During that time, I feel like I didn’t remember any conversations about self-care or mental health or anything like that. It was more like, just finish the next project, get to the next achievement. Almost like teaching you to be a machine, which is not a good thing because you will hit burnout if you’re not taking care of yourself. It is a mental process as well, even to get to the point where you say, “I deserve to have my needs met, my goals met physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I deserve to check in with myself. I deserve to take these steps.”

I’ve found for a lot of people is also a mental shift that we need to work on because we do deserve these things. Sometimes it’s hard because like you said, whatever happened to us yesterday or our childhood or something we did or something someone did to us. All these things just are going on in our heads and we have to really take that shift to work on ourselves and focusing on ourselves, which is not easy for everyone and that’s okay. That’s a process.

I really invite our readers to realize your patterns become hardwired in your brain. If you’ve been patterned to go do it for 2 decades, 3 decades, 20 decades, or 100 decades, however old you are, that means it’s just more hardwired. The gift of neuroplasticity means that our brains are plastic. We’re not cemented. It might take practice and patience and lots of baby steps.

If we find that we’re not engaging in self-care, for example, that beautiful image you gave of being able to test each of those areas of your being. If you get used to doing that for a week and then you repeat that week for three weeks an hour, that’s already getting cemented. By the time you get to doing that for six months, it could likely be strong enough to stay with you naturally for a lifetime. That’s how habit formation works.

Addressing Obsessive Thoughts

All that we’re talking about here is changing your mental habits. You readers can do that. Dr. Nekeshia is guiding us into more of how that can happen. For our reader, sounds like she has two key issues. Let’s go with the first one. One is this obsessiveness. The other one is she’s obsessing about the relationship. The other one is that, and I’ve heard this so much in my practices, I’m sure you have, where people are constantly preparing for the worst. If I can prepare my mind, just go for the worst, then I’m prepared if the worst happens.

If something good happens, then at least I have a bonus on this day. It didn’t go as bad as I thought. Yet that preparation for the worst often drives us. I remember working with a couple where the husband was constantly saying, “It’s going to go bad. I know this conversation is going to go bad. Everything is going to go downhill. Often, just that sheer force of that mindset was sending it there.” That’s part two. I’m already getting into part two. Let’s work please first on the obsessive. How can she work with being so obsessive about her relationship that something is going to happen, it’ll go wrong?

A lot of times with anxiety, it occurs mentally and or physically. Oftentimes what’s helpful for people with anxiety is working on taking deep breaths. I know it sounds so simplistic, but there’s so much research on the benefits of taking the pauses, taking the deep breathing, because what it’s doing is trying to reset your brain that’s on overdrive when it comes to anxiety and also your body. For some people with anxiety, in addition to maybe racing thoughts, your palms are getting sweaty, your heart rate’s going up, your blood pressure’s going up.

 

 

Like all these physical things are happening to you in this fight or flight mode. It’s really critically important to be working on things like taking mindful moments. Even if it’s like when you’re brushing your teeth, you’re paying attention to every step that you’re doing. You’re paying attention to turning on the water, getting the toothbrush wet, putting the toothpaste on, like just really being focused and mindful in that moment, as well as spending some time during the day and some deep breathing to work on shifting your body and mind into calmer spaces.

Again, it’s a really helpful tool for anxiety. It does take practice like anything. It’s not something to start day one and it just magically makes anxiety go away. It’s something that can be done over time because you have to retrain your brain when you get to that, something bad happens, to calm your mind and body down. When the thought comes up again, the anxious thought comes up again, calm your mind and body down. Like it’s a process. Again, you can try this on your own or reach out to a mental health professional who can guide you week by week or however many sessions it is to go through that type of process.

We have to give ourselves grace. The journey toward mental health and well-being is a process, and it takes time. Share on X

Thank you so much for that. When we look at the obsessive thoughts, constantly worrying about the relationship, first off, it tells me that the person likely has an insecure attachment style. In this case, highly anxious around attachment and preoccupied about the relationship as she works, or I shouldn’t say she, maybe they, as they work, to reset the brain, to use these breathing techniques, deep breaths in, deep breaths out.

I especially like doing counting or visualization with breathing because then we cannot think. If we’re counting in, as we say, inhale, 1, 2, 3, 4, exhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, try and obsess at the same time you’re doing that. It doesn’t work. That’s how we really down-regulate the nervous system. We

halt that fight or flight, which is getting fed by obsessive thoughts, whatever those thoughts are.

We can really see that breathing does. It brings on that wonderful sense of security and safety when we practice it and get used to it. I love breathing techniques because they’re free, they’re portable. You can do them anytime, anywhere. You can do them in an airport. You can do them in the middle of a conversation and say, “I need to take that time out and do my breathing.”

I’ve worked with clients where they get used to doing breathing exercises and then their kiddos come and sit next to them because they like that energy of seeing mom and or dad sitting there doing the breathing because it feels good, because it feels calming to the nervous system. We like bringing that parasympathetic nervous system on board, it does interrupt those thoughts. Let’s imagine that this individual is saying, “The breathing isn’t working for me or until it gets to be routine.” How can I stop these obsessive thoughts? What would you recommend?

It’s hard to stop thinking, especially our negative thinking. It takes time, but it’s a process to recognize the thoughts and what the themes are of the negative thinking, and then work on when you have those thoughts that pop up to replace them with something more positive, which again, takes time. I wish I had a magic solution that just worked. They won. These things take time when we have to retrain our brains.

If the theme of the thought, for example, “I know something bad is going to happen. Something bad is going to happen.” When you catch yourself in that thought, you try to replace it with whatever thought works best for you. “I am safe. I am okay at this moment, which you are. Things could go right. What if things did go well?” Like those types of things try to replace it each time you’re having that thought because it’s harder in the beginning.

Our negative thoughts are not going to magically go away, but it’s easier to start to pause when those thoughts come and try to think about something else instead. Even if you don’t believe it right then and there, it’s okay. Even if you say to yourself, what if something great happens and you don’t believe that, but you’re still training your brain to get into the mindset and get out of the always something negative could happen, something bad is going to happen. It’s a process. Again, everything is a process.

Our negative thoughts are not going to magically go away, but it's easier to start to take a pause when those thoughts come and try to think about something positive instead. Share on X

Thank you for that piece on how in truth, this is all a process and one that I like to see as not only customizable but really important to customize because things that might work for one person may not work for another person. For someone who’s really anxious, one technique could lead them away from a panic attack. For another person, that technique could lead them more into a panic attack or into a deeper state of obsession.

Readers, take everything that we’re saying. Use it to customize an approach, using mindfulness about what resonates with you, and what feels right. Whatever feels right, even if it’s not a quick fix, you’ll know by listening to your body, your mind, and your spirit, you’ll know, this is a good tool. You have a new tool to put in your toolkit. You can make a journal note about what worked well.

What we’ve already talked about is using strategies of thought replacement. Taking a negative thought, replacing it with a positive one that may not always feel accurate, but maybe getting it to a place. For example, if the reader who wrote is thinking, “I am afraid my boyfriend will cheat on me and there’s no evidence it’s a very faithful boyfriend.” The thought replacement might be, “I am going to work on feeling safe with my boyfriend.

I am going to work on looking at all the things my boyfriend does to make me feel seen and safe.” That’s an idea of a thought replacement. You talked about thought-stopping. These are all cognitive behavioral therapy terms that really work. CBT works really well. Thought stopping simply means telling that thought, “I am not going to entertain you. I often think of putting out an unwelcome mat at your door.”

Like you can put that mat out at the door of your mind and say, “No, this thought isn’t welcome. It’s not serving me.” That’s called thought-stopping. There’s another technique, and I’m wondering if you find it effective. I call it thought-leaning. If we’re having a disastrous thought, and this goes into that second part already, where the individual’s always preparing for the worst.

Instead of saying, don’t think about what’s the worst, “Go ahead. Tell me the worst that could happen. Tell me that absolute worst outcome. I come home and my boyfriend is in bed with another person or five other people or whatever it might be.” You go, “How does that make you feel?” “I feel really mad.” “If you came home and that’s what you found, what would you do?”

“I pack up my stuff and I’d leave and I’d do whatever they do. I’d go for a walk and or I’d shout or I’d scream whatever they say. Could you handle that?” “Yeah, but I’d be really sad and I’d be really mad but yeah, could you handle it?” They generally come to a place of, “Now that we’ve moved into the worst-case scenario, and we realize that thought isn’t prohibited.” That’s what I call thought-leaning. What do you think of that technique?

I love it. It’s very true. A lot of times, like the vast majority of the times, our worst-case scenario that we’re worrying about is never going to come true anyhow. I like what you were saying for us even to think about, if it did, with the 4% chance or whatnot, whatever percent chance that it did happen, what would your reaction be? We often don’t think about that part. The fact that we could get through whatever situation that may be, and we could handle it if that very low percentage chance of that thing that we’re worrying about actually happened.

I agree with you because when we lean into, when I’m working with someone who’s getting coaching them on say a big speech or something, and they’re like, “I’m really terrified. Tell me the worst that could happen. I get up on this stage and I cannot remember a word or I get up on the stage and I fall.” “Let’s lean into those.” “If you cannot remember a word, what would happen? Would be really embarrassed and people would laugh at me and I’d be hooted off the stage or whatever it is.” “Now do you have a backup script with you in this scenario?” “There’s probably someone off-stage who could bring me my script.”

“Could you create a joke to as a filler?” “Shoot, my worst case happens. Does anybody resonate with this?” People get it because we’ve all, at some point or at many points in our lives, we’ve had something happen where there was a pretty worst-case scenario or almost worst-case scenario. When we envision it and see all the ways we could handle it, maybe not with joy, but with a little bit of grace, and would come through the other side, and who knows in that situation how much the audience would bond with us because they see we’re human.

Yes, we have to give ourselves grace because it’s so hard, and even all of the things that we’re sharing, honestly, it’s a process. It takes time. We have to give ourselves grace, especially when it comes to mental health. One of the questions that I get often when I work with different organizations and groups on burnout prevention, it’s like, “How long is it going to take?” Like it’s magically going to change our lives in a day or three days.

I think about if we, let’s say we had the goal to lose 20 pounds. We know that it’s not going to happen overnight. Like it’s just not in three days it’s going to happen type of thing. It takes time, there are different steps, different things you have to do, exercises, diet, and all that thing. It’s really the same thing when it comes to our mental health. I really strongly encourage people also to not beat yourself up in the process and just really give yourself grace, as you said.

I appreciate that you paused on the grace element because we live in a world where there’s so much critical energy, so much comparative energy, and so much negative energy. When we learn to give ourselves grace, just slow down and be like, “I leaned into that thought again and it wasn’t really helping me. Let me shift it this way.” We become gentler with ourselves, our self-esteem grows, and we have a different energy and people can feel that energy because we all feel each other’s energy.

Thought Leaning and Growth

When we give ourselves grace, it does create this flexibility and this suppleness that helps us not only at the moment, but it builds resilience and it helps us continue that journey, that self-evolution journey with more ongoing grace and joy and patience for ourselves and other people. I’m going to go back to when we were talking about the thought-leaning experiment. It’s interesting because if we see the reader who wrote in and being able to envision this really worst-case scenario and okay so it’s awful and the partner does cheat and it’s just a terrible experience, a horrific experience.

 

 

Now we leaned into the worst of it. Now, what do we do to grow from that experience? That’s where we often don’t go. We don’t go to that step of saying if things do go badly, whether it’s speaking engagement that we were talking about or the issue with a boyfriend or relationship if we look at that and say, “How can I grow?” Now we’ve taken our thoughts away from the obsession. Now we’ve leaned into, “If something not so great happens, because that’s where we learn.

Much of my life I’ve learned the most when things weren’t going well, when things are easy and I’m in a groove, I want to stay there and then life throws me something and then I have to learn again.” If we realize that perhaps one of the tools for this reader is to pause and after leaning into it saying, “How could I grow from that?” “Maybe if that really worst case happened, maybe I would become stronger, maybe I would become more independent, maybe I would be more careful about the next guy or person I went out with.” We can see that is another way of helping shift the brain by seeing where the growth potentials are. That’s the idea of creating joy from fear.

I completely agree. It is hard when you’re in the moment of, let’s say that worst-case scenario, like you said to think of growth, but I think that’s almost like a superpower to work on, to recognize you can still have joy, even in the dark seasons of your life. It’s not going to be every second, of course. You’re still allowed to have emotional pain and to obviously feel your feelings, but also you can have pockets of joy through that, and you can tell yourself things like, “I’m strong. I can get through this. Even if you don’t believe it at first, I’m strong, I can get through this. What am I learning from this? I’m growing as a person.”

Those are the types of things that you can be telling yourself if this, again, worst-case scenario happened to start the process of getting through. Also, remind yourself, that there are probably many other things that happen that you didn’t expect to happen in your life that you did get through. You were resilient at other points in your life, and you would be able to get through this possible worst-case scenario if it were to pop up as well.

Thank you. I love that you’re really emphasizing that superpower. I love how you phrased it. That superpower of finding joy, even in the dark seasons of life. Maybe especially in the dark seasons of life, because those dark seasons, which are often the time when we’re growing the most, we just don’t have the potential for growth. If we can just pause, as you said, and do our breathing. I’m a huge breathing fan, so readers, neither of us is saying here that it is a cure-all, but it sure is amazingly helpful for so many things.

If we pause and just breathe and try and find that flicker of joy inside the body, mind, or spirit. It’s there, it’s waiting. If we just pause and notice it, that too interrupts negative thought patterns.

Once we find that glimmer of joy, that little flicker, just by finding one kind thing to say about ourselves or about something we saw today, the wonder of life, whatever it is, it does shift the negative thoughts.

Being in that place of joy, being in that place of gratitude, it really does temporarily give your brain a break.

The more breaks we give our brain, the more we upset those old hardwired patterns, and the more we detangle them because we’re creating new neural networks. Every time you do something that interrupts those old neural networks, the ones that aren’t working for you, and you mindfully, intentionally harness it and put it in a different direction, I look at it like a highway. That highway is really a hardwired in of negative thoughts, and obsessive thoughts. You sometimes get on that highway, but learn to create detours and then mindfully see the detours and follow the detours.

The Connection Among Feelings, Thoughts, and Actions

Sometimes you’ll be back on that highway again. I forgot the detour. Until the detour becomes the friendly new scenic highway, not that horrible traffic-jammed highway filled with negative compulsive behaviors or obsessive thoughts. This is fabulous. Now, I have a question for you. In my work, I’m just going to break it down. I look at, I really outlined it in my fourth book, The Joy of Imperfect Love, how our feelings feed our thoughts, feed our mindsets, feed our energy, and then our actions.

Can you take using your own way of doing it? I like looking at it because it makes if we break it down, it makes it so much more doable for someone to notice, “My feelings or emotions. My emotions are giving rise to this thought, are giving rise to this mindset, energy, and actions.” A lot of it coming from patterns learned in early childhood.

Again, we’re suspecting that this individual has an insecure attachment issue that she, he, and they may want to work on separately because this just really feels like an insecure attachment. How would you recommend that perhaps using that paradigm or your own paradigm, just breaking it down just a little bit more so that as a takeaway there are some foundational steps? Let’s get into this in a more granular way so that any listener who’s having obsessive thoughts, or competitive thoughts, they can just break it down.

Again, as you said, there really is such a connection with our thoughts and our feelings, and our actions that we do. It’s not only is it important to recognize what are your thought patterns, which is step one, but also understanding that ultimately is affecting your actions. Those thoughts and those feelings and the anxiety that’s happening, the rumination that’s happening is also affecting the conversations with the significant other is affecting your reactions with the significant others and not just the significant other, but other people around you as well based on partially things that you can work on managing.

I always think of even like emotional intelligence, for example, and the different parts of that and the awareness that comes with it and how you’re relating to others and managing your emotions and feelings that come from also being aware of your thoughts as well. Again, it’s a process to write it down.

I’m a huge fan of writing things down, but of writing it down, writing out your thoughts, writing out your feelings, if you will, and working on changing them, as we mentioned earlier, and also allowing yourself to feel the support around you that can help you with that process as well. It may or may not be this person’s significant other, it may be someone else in their lives or a professional, but the understanding even and the awareness to know that the feelings and the thoughts and the actions are all correlated is what really can work on, this person can work on developing like a mindset shift.

That is wonderful and something that is easier to do as you’re saying, if we pause to write it down, having a little binder, it doesn’t have to be a fancy journal or anything, something where you can break it down because when our minds get going, “Do they really take control.” Often I recommend that people, once they realize they’re in that space, put up a stop sign for yourself, a red stop sign, a yellow stop sign, or whatever’s meaningful to you.

Some image in your brain that helps you realize, “I want to stop.” If you’ve stopped, so now we could go, we’ll just use the idea that who knows what’s exactly happening that this individual is worried will happen, but cheating is such a common one. Infidelity, and betrayal, they’re such common ones in relationships. We might, as you said, start with the feeling. “What’s the feeling?” “I’m anxious.”

The thought might be, “My significant other will betray me or cheat on me. The mindset becomes, “I am not safe.” The energy might be, “I’m scared, I’m terrified, everything’s going to go badly.” That’s very brittle energy. The action is likely something like being hyper-reactive, being combative, and shutting down. If the individual is able, even retrospectively, even after it happened, to go through and break it down in that way.

The next time it comes up they can even practice with the boyfriend, or with the best friend by looking in the mirror. They could practice doing the same thing, saying, “What’s the feeling? Anxiety. What’s the thought?” This is where then they could do the thought replacement you were talking about. “My significant other might betray me.” “What’s a different thought?” You would put in a different thought. I will look for things that my partner does to keep me safe.

The mindset might be, “I feel a little more relaxed.” The energy is more tranquil, and then the action is going to likely be more receptive over time. It’s not going to work like this magically, but the more this is practiced and broken down and put into writing like you said, and journaling about it, the more in real-time. You won’t get it perfectly, especially if there are unresolved attachment issues or trauma issues underneath it. Just take more time. You’re saying that by repeating this over and over again, they will create that mindset change outlined in your book.

Yes, for sure.

It has been so wonderful to go through this process with you. I can see that you’re giving us such beautiful steps that are simple, thorough, mindful, and something that can be done. Again, in a very baby-step approach and giving yourself grace as you change it may not feel like you’re making many changes at first. It is, as you said earlier, it’s a snowball. Once they get going, it does create that sense of more ease in the self and the anxiety slowly goes away. Using those breathing techniques along the way does create a lot more spaciousness in the body and the mind and the emotional body and the spirit. Dr. Hammond, before I ask you where our readers can find you, do you have any wrap-up comments to share with our readers?

Prioritizing Self-Care and Maintaining Hope

I would love to remind people that it’s so important to work on making yourself your number one priority. I know that it’s hard. I know that maybe sometimes you have to unlearn some things that you were taught earlier on about putting everything and everyone above you, but your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health are critically important for you. You can show it powerfully for yourself and for the people around you.

Make yourself your number one priority. Sometimes, you have to unlearn some things that you were taught earlier on about putting everything and everyone above you. Share on X

I agree with you. It’s so counterintuitive because we’re told that’s selfish. Yet that’s not selfish at all. When we are self-mindful and self-aware and take care of ourselves, then we are able to tend to others with more grace, more ease, and more patience. Actually, it’s that old idea of if you’re in an airplane, you have to put an oxygen mask on yourself before on other people. Otherwise, you’ll pass out and you cannot help anyone. Yes, self-care. Anything else? I know you have so much.

The other thing is I want to remind people that I know that it’s hard sometimes in life. There are all sorts of different curve balls, but there really is hope, especially when you do the work that you need to do, whatever that looks like for your self-care and wellness journey, there’s a lot of hope for you. I just want to remind people to keep going through this process and wish everyone good things in life.

 

 

When you are a little low on hope, try and surround yourself with people who are uplifting, supportive, and positive, because hope can easily drain away if you’re struggling on this life raft we call survival or life and somebody’s pulling you under from that doesn’t work. You want some positive support in whatever form. As you said earlier, it might be a best friend, a therapist, a pastor, a mentor, your partner, wherever you find that support group. Brilliantly done. Dr. Nekeshia, where can our readers find you?

The best place to find me is my website. It’s Dr.NekeshiaHammond.com.

Readers, that will be in the show notes because it is a beautiful mouthful, but I will repeat it, Dr. Nekesha Hammond. In the show notes, you will find links to her website as well as her wonderful book on Mindset Training: Conquer Your Mind and the Rest Will Follow. Thank you, Dr. Nekeshia, so much for sharing your time and energy, and wisdom with us.

Thank you for having me.

It’s been a pleasure and such a joy. Readers, I thank you for being with us. I hope you found some wisdom and uplifting information in this episode. It is always such a pleasure to share time with you. This is Imperfect Love.

 

Important Links

• Dr. Nekeshia Hammond’s Website
• Dr. Nekeshia Hammond’s YouTube
• Dr. Nekeshia Hammond’s Facebook
• Dr. Nekeshia Hammond’s LinkedIn
• Mindset Training: Conquer Your Mind and the Rest Will Follow
• Nami HelpLine
• Traumatic Events and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
• Dr. Carla Manly’s Website
• Dr. Carla Manly’s Instagram
• Dr. Carla Manly’s Twitter
• Dr. Carla Manly’s Facebook
• Dr. Carla Manly’s LinkedIn
• Dr. Carla Manly’s YouTube
• Dr. Carla Manly’s TikTok

 

About Nekeshia Hammond

Dr. Nekeshia Hammond, a distinguished psychologist and executive coach, is the author of the USA TODAY best-selling book, Mindset Training: Conquer Your Mind and the Rest Will Follow.

She is also the founder of Hammond Psychology & Associates and the creator and host of the well-received show “Mental Health Moment with Dr. Hammond.”

An award-winning international mental wellness and keynote speaker, Dr. Hammond is renowned for her expertise in mental health, burnout prevention, and leadership development.

Her thought leadership has been featured across multiple media outlets, including NBC, ABC, CBS, FOX, and Essence Magazine. Dr. Hammond has also graced platforms like Corporate Counsel Women of Color and TEDx, sharing her insights on mental wellness and leadership balance.