We want those we care about to feel safe, loved, and secure, and we naturally want the same for ourselves. Yet in today’s chaotic world, millions feel anxious, isolated, unseen, and unloved, particularly after the pandemic—which took many people’s lives off course—feelings of hopelessness, confusion, disappointment, and shame abound. Often-silent expectations from others (and from ourselves) can add another layer of stress. From educational and career goals gone awry to lost friendships and broken dreams, many self-isolate, self-soothe, or resort to finding comfort, meaning, and connection in the virtual world—foraging for relationships online and through social media. However, this unfulfilling chase can exacerbate persistent feelings of emptiness.
As loneliness and mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and suicidality skyrocket, can we embrace the skills that will help us and those we love to navigate this strange new world in healthy, connective ways? Join Dr. Carla Manly and neuropsychologist Dr. Sherry Kelly for an engaging look at how our lives—and our brains—are shaped by trauma, expectations, and perceptions.
Please note that this episode contains sensitive mental health and trauma-related material including suicidality and suicide; listener discretion is advised.
Note: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911,” “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline), or SAMSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).
Get the help you need:
https://mentalhealthhotline.org/ptsd-hotline
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/988
https://www.nami.org/support-education/nami-helpline
Begin your journey: https://mindandheartcoaching.com
Get your copy of Dr. Sherry’s new book here: https://yourtigerinside.com
Books by Dr. Carla Manly:
Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly
Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend
The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships
Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:
Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly
Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/drcarlamanly
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drcarlamanly
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr.carlamariemanly8543
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_carla_manly
Book by Dr. Sherry Kelly:
Connect with Dr. Sherry Kelly:
Website: https://mindandheartcoaching.com
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sherry-skyler-kelly-phd-47b01816a
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Creating Safety, Connection, and Inner Calm in an Uncertain World with Neuropsychologist Dr. Sherry Kelly
Reduce Anxiety and fear by Mindfully Rewiring Your Brain!
Introduction
We want those we care about to feel safe, loved, and secure and we naturally want the same for ourselves. Yet, in this chaotic world, millions feel isolated, unseen, and unloved. Many resort to striving for connection in the virtual world, foraging for relationships online and through social media, yet this chase leads to persistent feelings of emptiness. As loneliness and mental health issues skyrocket, can we embrace the skills that will help those we love and ourselves navigate this strange new world?
We’ll focus on this reader’s real-life question. “My son unexpectedly dropped out of college due to anxiety and panic attacks. After his high school moved to virtual classes during the pandemic, he lost a big part of his identity because he was popular and a big sports hero. He never bounced back. Now that he’s back home, he’s isolating himself. I think he’s ashamed, but we can’t get him to see a therapist. How can we help him?”
That question is the focus of this episode. Please note this episode contains sensitive information, so reader discretion is advised. If you need support, please see the special links. I’m joined by a very special guest, Dr. Sherry Kelly, who will be sharing her expertise on neuropsychology, the body’s stress response, and how to write a positive code for your brain.
Welcome to the show, Dr. Sherry. It’s such a pleasure to have you with us.
Thank you, Dr. Carla. It’s wonderful to be here. It’s so great to be speaking with you.
Dr. Sherry’s Background
Thank you for sharing your expertise with our audience. Before we launch into the question of the day, could you tell our readers just a little bit about what makes you, you?
The thing that best describes the joy that I find in my work and life is meeting so many people, helping them discover what’s special about themselves, and helping them feel empowered.
I love that and it’s so important, as you say, to help people. Having a mission of helping people unfold and become their best selves is such a great passion. Thank you for sharing that. We look at your history and you have such a wealth of mental health expertise in so many realms. Could you tell us a little bit about your background in the world of mental health and psychology? What led you to do such important work around helping adolescents, college age and below, get established and find themselves after big hiccups in life?
I became interested in helping adolescents, in particular, very early in my career. I realized very early on, even in my undergraduate studies, how critical the adolescent years are. Particularly early adolescence. It’s like a make or break time. There are a lot of important factors during those times that can set a course for young person.
Many people seem to have their pathway for life diverge from where they had hoped it would lead to where they don’t want to be during adolescence. I wanted to focus on that critical part of development because I felt that honing in on the needs of adolescents and providing education for themselves in how to be their own best friend, that internal wise and caring voice, and make decisions would help them throughout their lifespan.
That’s beautiful and so true. We often think kids are pretty well formed by the time they’re 11 years old, 12 years old or 13 years old. Yet, often, in so much of the body, mind, spirit, connection, and the foundation of who that person is going to continue to form up until 25 and beyond. Twenty-five is when the brain is fully myelinated, so we don’t realize it even though this person looks like an adult.
There is a lot going on behind the scenes and not blaming or shaming parents or school systems or anything like that. There’s a lot that can go right when we’re raising children and an awful lot that can go wrong, not just in the parenting and the caregiving. In the external world, we’re sometimes not aware, whether it’s bullying, a pandemic, or a teacher who doesn’t believe in the kiddo, then parents. Not that I’m going to make this episode all about the parents and their plight.
Impact Of Stress on Adolescents
I have worked with so many parents who end up feeling helpless and powerless, as the mom in this case who wrote in saying, “Please help me. I don’t know what to do.” When you look at that formative time of adolescence and some of these key pieces in our world that are causing kids to expand, I’m not using the word trauma lightly. A lot of kids are being traumatized on so many fronts. Whether it’s with ego, anxiety, the school closing, parents breaking up, the uncertain world pollution, or the political climate, they are facing a lot of big changes. Can you explain to our readers what that does on a stress level to anyone but particularly teens?
Our teens, like us, are living in a VUCA world. VUCA stands for Volatility, Uncertainty, Complexity, and Ambiguity. I’m going to add an H to that, hyperconnectivity through this.
Let’s pause on the hyperconnectivity. Dr. Sherry held up her phone, for those of you who are reading. I want to pause and maybe go backwards with this. The hyperconnectivity, we and the kids feel as if they’re connected because they’re having a chat or watching a TikTok video, and they have all of these friends, but yet they’re feeling empty and disconnected. Could you talk about that piece, which I know isn’t just for kids? A lot of adults are feeling the same way.
A lot of them. I have been speaking about this for over twenty years now. I started speaking about the impact of a social media platform called MySpace more than twenty years ago. If you’re old enough to remember what that was. It was before there was Facebook or Instagram. People were very much basing their self-worth on how many friends they had.
That was an issue for teens and young adults years ago. What you said is so true about people of all ages now having a false sense of being connected or having relationships or virtual relationships. Some of our kids only have relationships on the Discord platform or on gaming platforms. One of the things that makes it difficult for them to get out of that is that it’s immediate. They can get an immediate connection or immediate gratification, but it’s not real connection. It’s usually not a two-way street and a reactive rather than proactive in the content.
First, for readers who don’t know about Discord, could you give a brief explanation? We’re not talking about discord as in two people having an issue between them and a lack of agreement. We’re talking about an online platform. Please explain.
It’s an online platform that a lot of young people use. It’s a social platform. A lot of people that like to talk about different topics, but also a lot of young men use it. It’s a platform where one of their big topics of conversation is also about gaming and virtual life itself. It’s not a platform typically where people want to look at pictures like Instagram or look at videos like a TikTok or date, for example. If you go on a dating platform. This is an interesting platform and there are a lot of interesting discord about what’s going on in the world now and what’s also going on in the world of gaming since you know that’s big for a lot of young people.
I love how you were talking about, there is some communication going on yet. I’m not saying it’s not substantive communication, but it’s different from the communication that human beings have known for century after century, which is eye contact, watching body language, being in the same room, sitting on the grass or the earthen floor or on the couch and having a back and forth.
The ability to watch all of these cues as you’re having a true discussion. The chance when you’re in real-time in the same place to very quickly get a clarification, see that you’ve made a misstep, see somebody’s eyes go, “Oh my goodness,” when you’ve said something that hit them the wrong way. Plus, that capacity, not that it’s not impossible to build a true friendship in the virtual world. There’s so much more of a capacity over time to develop deep relationships when you go for a walk with someone, meet them for coffee, or help them clean out their house after something happens. All of these life experiences that are shared create a fabric that deepens the relationship and creates a more substantial friendship.
Exactly. Along with that, the irony of us being more connected than ever before because of the internet, yet so disconnected from each other on an emotional level.
The irony is that while we’re more connected than ever before because of the internet, we’re also disconnected from each other on an emotional level. Share on XDisconnected Youth
When we take it back to the question of the day, this mom who wrote in where you use the word disconnected, it sounds as if and I know I’ve received enough questions like this one to know that this is a problem in America but certainly in other places. A lot of people are suffering from the same issue. Not all kids have fallen out of high school. Some have decided to take a gap year, not go to college at all, or they’ve just decided to stay home.
When we look at what is happening with these young adults who are facing a world that is scary, but also their foundation, they were building this foundation of where they were going to be in life. They were dreaming, hoping, seeing that high school graduation, college graduation, envisioning that first job, maybe marriage or kids, then that foundation cracked for whatever reason.
I’ll give you the reason. My daughter and I have been providing webinars and workshops before COVID started in 2018. We have our website PositiviTeens workshops and webinars. During COVID, we gave a lot of webinars. One day, she was able to explain it better than any psychologist I know. She was very direct, which she can be because she’s my daughter.
She said, “Here’s the problem that I want you psychologists and parents to understand. COVID came and everything changed. We suddenly were told what we could do and everything changed. All of our expectations changed. We no longer could expect going in person to school. We couldn’t expect to reach milestones like learning to drive or going on campus visits if we’re going to college or having summer jobs or internships.”
“You told us how to breathe, how to stand 6 feet apart, where we could go and where we couldn’t go. You told us how to learn in our rooms, who we could be seen with and who we couldn’t be seen with. All of our expectations of the world and of our life were taken away. What didn’t change was the expectation, the unrealistic expectations you, as parents, have of us kids. That didn’t change. You still expected us to get good marks, get a job, go to a good school and transition from high school to college like nothing happened. You need to check where your expectations are versus our expectations.”
She’s a powerful young woman, isn’t she? I agree with her. It is those expectations. When I think about my definition of imperfect love, we want to love, but sometimes we get it wrong. Sometimes, we don’t expect what we often don’t know or what’s coming. We don’t expect these calamitous situations to arise. When they do, we’re focusing on, “I’ll work remotely now, or I can’t do this, or I can’t have the celebrations at home.” We do not realize that we are adults who have somewhat more power and as difficult as the pandemic was on adults for those who were teenagers, young adults, and kiddos in grade school.
Their brains couldn’t take in the magnitude of how it was going to affect them now and into the future. For us adults, I agree with you. Our job is to wake up and realize it was hard enough for us to get back into form. I know many adults who are not back into form after the pandemic and who are not back into their regular routines. It’s several years later, yet we somehow expect our young adults whose hopes, dreams, and timelines were crashed to just get back on that horse and ride into the future as if nothing happened. Their developmental stages, agenda, hopes and parents’ hopes for the future hadn’t been completely tumbled.
Exactly. It hurt teenagers and also young twenty-somethings the most. That is something that the NIH and the CDC have found in their research. The levels of depression and anxiety were highest among late adolescents and early twenties. They’re at serious developmental stages. In my personal work, and I’ve spoken to other people who focus on teenagers, we’re finding that it’s hit boys more than girls because their social communication skills tend to develop later than girls. It was a different type of socialization. It seems to me that young men are having a particularly difficult time transitioning to college.
That makes sense because, as you said, males tend to be behind females developmentally. When we look at the reader’s question, this mother says, “Regardless of gender, we are seeing an individual who the mom’s on target.” That individual likely feels ashamed. It sounds like some of his peers continued on without a hiccup or a hiccup that he knows about because people are often too embarrassed to talk about what’s going on inside.
Yet, now he feels as if he has failed. Now, he has become a recluse in his own bedroom, refuses to go to therapy, from what the mom says, and isn’t taking part in the world. What would you recommend as we talk about the trauma response and how to create new code for your brain? I love that. Let’s create the new code.
Let’s go there. The self-isolation is a coping response. This is how he’s coping. It’s often something that we do when we feel overwhelmed. It’s often something that we do when we’re afraid. The first thing in talking with a child of any age is to allow them to express their emotions without judging the emotions. To let them know, “There’s no such thing as a bad or good emotion.”
Some people call anger a negative emotion. All of our emotions are messengers. It’s how we use our emotions. That’s either healthy or unhealthy.
Also, they are messengers and they’re also alarm bells. Your brain’s job is to keep this alive. Our feelings and our emotions are like the alert system for our brain. That is telling you what you need and what you need to do.
Those emotions are there for a reason. They are there to tell us whether we are safe or unsafe. It’s not that our emotions are always telling us the right message, but that’s our job. It’s to be able to slow down and decipher the code, which takes us to the fight or flight response, the stress response.
You start this conversation about what your anxiety is trying to tell you. Not why are you anxious? What is your anxiety alerting you to? What are your fears alerting you to? What are those tears alerting you to? That’s not judging. Sometimes, you need to step back and write it down. I love what the Gottmans do with the anger iceberg. I use that Gottman’s Anger Iceberg. I do an anxiety iceberg. Thank you, Gottman, but I do the anxiety iceberg with my clients. We talk, “The anxiety is the tip of the iceberg sticking up out of the ocean. What’s all that stuff floating underneath that anxiety iceberg?” Usually, the number one thing is fear.
For our readers, just slowing it down. The idea of the iceberg has been around for a very long time. What you want to visualize, we’re talking about the anger iceberg or any iceberg anxiety. What you see at the top, what is manifesting in the case of the anger iceberg may be anger. That might be what the person’s showing you, the anger. When we go down below the surface, where the bulk of the iceberg is, that’s the hidden part. You see all of these sections underneath the anger, which might be frustration, irritation, sadness, guilt, grief, horror, or rage. That’s the beautiful part, once we learn.
We’ll go back to what Dr. Sherry is talking about. She’s putting anxiety above the surface. For the reader’s question, what the parents are seeing is the anxiety. The work is to go beneath the anxiety to uncover all of those pieces and what they are and make friends with them. Not-judging them. Only noticing what’s there. Thank you, Dr. Sherry.
I sometimes ask my clients to draw an iceberg and they put what’s underneath the surface. Reassuring our kids that emotions are there for a reason. They’re not to be judged and not something to even be afraid of. That’s one thing. The other thing is a lot of kids have lost the perception of the reality of what they just went through, of having their development derailed. I would tell this young man, you have had a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.
Emotions are there for a reason. They're not to be judged and not something to even be afraid of. Share on XReaders, that is such a key piece for many people who experience trauma. You might be thinking, “I know kids who weren’t traumatized by leaving school during the pandemic.” That’s okay. We all have a different response. That’s why somebody can be in a car wreck can be terribly traumatized and another person simply may not be. We all respond differently because we are all uniquely imperfect human beings. Continue, Dr. Sherry. Thank you.
The other thing that we want to do with young people is build up and allow them a platform upon which they can regain a sense of internal locus of control or perceived control.
I love the terminology. Readers, internal locus of control means that you have a sense of personal autonomy. Sometimes, when life situations occur or trauma occurs, you feel powerless. You no longer have an internal sense of control, an internal locus of control, then a parent may step in and do their best to try and help. Depending upon what the parent’s doing, that can be an external locus of control. “Child, do this. Child, do that.” Even though the parent may be well-intentioned, it’s not building that sense of agency inside the child. Please, Dr. Sherry, explain how we can build that internal locus.
Again, I’m going to bring this back to the pandemic. I have been talking about this since April 2020, and I’ve done many webinars, so I have talked about this. Other people are now talking about it, but I started talking about this very early on. The pandemic, the rules, the expectations and the changes that were set in place shifted young people from having an internal perceived locus of control to an external locus of control. That means they were told a lot of things they couldn’t do. The rules of the game changed. That shifted their perception of having their ability to make change in the world or make change for themselves, to have power.
That makes perfect sense. I want to pause for a minute because I remember when the quarantine went into full swing and our local parks were closed. We were told, “You can’t walk in the park,” which is part of what I do every morning. I was furious and I’m not at a developmental stage where I need a lot of that agency in order to develop. It was more of an inconvenience and confusion. If we look at young adults, teenagers, and adolescents, their whole purpose in life is to create autonomy, experiment with that, and go into this park, place, school, library, and party. That’s their job.
That’s how they grow and develop skills. The purpose is, as a parent, you want to foster a greater sense of their own control over their lives. One way to do that is to help their child find platforms upon which they can feel empowered. Maybe it’s learning a skill, volunteering, getting a job, or going away and doing some type of a summer or work-study program. This is not just reactive. There is a purpose to it and this is one of the big shifts.
I know you love talking about shifts and so do I. I want them to shift from being a young person who is thinking or waiting for life to happen to them. I want them instead to make life happen. I don’t want them to think that it’s about the journey. It’s not about the journey anymore, not in this world. They need direction.
Empowering Without Force
Let’s take it back to this reader, where it sounds as if the kid doesn’t want to leave his room. Let’s talk about how we empower without forcing and without making the individual feel less empowered. How do we coax that soul out of it?
I’m hoping that this child leaves the room at least to come out and have breakfast or dinner.
Let’s hope.
If they’re not, that’s another problem. That’s when the parents need to work with a therapist or a coach. If they’re not helping their child take action, move and get out of the room because that’s not serving anyone. You have a conversation that validates what they’re feeling, anxiety, and fears. Let them know they’re not abnormal and nothing wrong with them. You start talking about, “What’s this fear trying to tell you?”
Oftentimes, we’re overwhelmed when we know we have to change that we don’t know how. That’s one of the hallmarks of anxiety. We ask in a positive way, where would you like to see yourself a year from now? Imagine your best possible life a year from now. If they say, “I don’t know.” Say, “One of the ways that we’re going to get you to feel better is for you to start visualizing where you want to be a year from now. Let’s talk about that destination.”
I love this, Dr. Sherry, because it’s allowing the parents to put any of their hopes, dreams, and agendas aside. Maybe they thought their kid was going to be a football hall of famer. Maybe they thought that he was headed to Harvard. Who knows? The parents are putting their expectations aside in a very healthy way because this is the kid’s life. A lot of parents live through their kids or have healthy expectations for their kids. We want the parents to put their expectations aside, then work with the kid on where they’re at and baby step it.
You baby step it and I use backward design.
Please explain.
We want our kids to have goals and direction because directionality helps you make choices. If you don’t know where you’re going, it’s going to be difficult to make the choices of, “How am I going to get there? Do I take a right? Do I take a left? What’s my direction? Where am I going?” Also, if you don’t know your direction and the goal. It makes it difficult to go around any obstacles that might come your way. You will be removed or bumped off course by any obstacle if you don’t know what you’re aiming for.
You’re making me think of how important it is when we’re looking at this child, who is symbolic of many individuals around the world of various ages. It may be they can’t see ahead a year. They may not be able to see ahead six months, but they may be able to see ahead tomorrow or a month ahead.
Some kids can’t even see a month ahead or tomorrow and that’s because you’re overcome with the fear. That’s where you get into talking about what that fear is telling you. It might be this, it might be that the child doesn’t work with a psychologist or a psychiatrist. Maybe they start with a coach because if he’s an athlete, he’s used to having had coaches. As there are coaches for football and basketball, there are coaches for us to go through life and to make changes. That might be more comfortable for him.
You’re making me think about my first book, Joy from Fear, which was all about fear and learning to face your fears, make your fears your friends, and understand them. What you’re saying is where that individual may be now, maybe a psychiatrist or psychologist or a visit to the doctor’s office, is too scary. Maybe talking to a life coach or a sports coach that he knew in high school.
Sports psychology coach.
Anything to make that baby step. It’s so hard for the loved ones around this individual because they want that person back on track. They want their lives back. They want the other individual to have their life, but we sometimes have to step aside and allow the baby steps to happen.
Along with this, it’s very important for the parents to clarify their expectations. I use an expectations exercise with parents and with kids, husbands and wives, and employees and managers. This is one that I would recommend for the parents before they start trying to initiate change. Are you ready for this one?
I’m ready.
I want you to take a piece of paper and draw three columns. We’re going to make an expectation spreadsheet.
I have my paper and my columns. Here we go.
For you that are not on the screen but reading, the first column is going to be what you expect as a parent to provide for your teenager or young adult, what you expect to give them, provide for them not only materialistically, dwelling and food and spending money but also emotionally. What support, positive support and what’s your purpose as a parent.
First column is what are my expectations for the support I provide, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Also, what I expect of myself as a parent. What are my expectations as a parent? The second is what do I expect from my son or daughter? It’s like, “I expect you to do your laundry, do your dishes, start talking to us about what you might want to do and not to stay in your room.” It’s different for everybody. This is for what they expect of their kid.
Meet the child where they are.
It’s going to get even better then you make the third column. The third column is what they think their child expects of them. What you think he or she expects of you as a parent.
Now, we have our three columns.
Making these three columns, it’s going to help you clarify your expectations. As we know, clarifying expectations is the foundation for healthy boundaries.
Clarifying expectations is the foundation for healthy boundaries. Share on XI love the way you make it so crystal clear and each person gets to do this exercise. Each caregiver gets to do it.
We get into the second purpose of this, which is, look across the three columns and see where there are market discrepancies. Where are there major differences? Those differences and discrepancies between the expectations or between expectations and the reality are the stress points in your relationship with your kid.
I love how you said, by the way, that this can be used in any relationship. That makes sense because expectations are often silent. We don’t talk about them. When we start talking about them and look like, “I expected my kid to graduate in this year and to be on this track and go there.” Sometimes then, we project our expectations onto the kid, which makes the kid feel more stressed, anxious, powerless, and traumatized on yet another level.
It’s because he has expectations too. As my daughter said a few years ago now during COVID, that, “Everything changed except for the expectations you have of us.” Clarifying is the first point. The second step is to then look across this spreadsheet and see where the differences are in expectations. If you do this with your partner or spouse, other parent, then you can see, “You and I have even different expectations of what we expect of our kid.” That’s going to be a problem, too.
If I do this with the kids in my therapy coaching, we look at the discrepancies between the kids’ spreadsheet and the parents’ spreadsheet. That becomes a platform upon which we can have rich conversations about what we expect and what mom and dad expect and the internalization of parent’s expectations of the child.
It’s that silent internalization of the expectations of parents, society, parent’s friends, the kids’ own friends, and everybody in school who expected you to take this role or that role. It is a heavy weight to bear.
With this, I have to say as a psychologist, and you know this. If the young adult or teenager is exhibiting any signs of major changes in mood, suicidal ideation, self-harm behaviors, not sleeping, sleeping too much, gaming more than they’re awake or sleeping or if they’re spending most of the day gaming, if they seem addicted to a device, or refuse to leave the room. That’s a cry for help and you must call your primary care physician and get immediate help. We take this very seriously.
New Code For The Brain
When mental health issues when left unaddressed, some people think if I ignore it’ll get better. It only festers, worsens, and only makes the sense of isolation or the addictive behavior or whatever is happening. It only gets worse, creates more shame, then the fear gets bigger and the anxiety gets bigger. I know we’re getting toward the end of our time together, so let’s talk about new code for the brain. I know you’re setting the stage for this.
I want to say also, you have wonderful resources on your website and people should look at those, too. If there’s any danger of suicidal ideation or self-harm, you can call 911 or take your loved one to the nearest emergency room.
We have the 988 resource now, the Suicide and Crisis hotline. I always have great links as well. I agree with you, Dr. Sherry, I don’t think we can take mental health issues too seriously.
That’s right. Thank you for mentioning that. When we talk about coding for the brain, you have more power over what you feel than you realize. From my training and your training, I use a lot of cognitive behavior therapy, acceptance and commitment, therapy and positive, psychology and choice theory, which tells you my age, Dr. Carla, but I love choice theory.
What I’m saying is, you have more power than you realize. The fact that you have a choice. You have a choice of how you decide to think about things. You have a choice of how you decide how you want to download and save like a computer file, your experiences. If we can change the way you think, it will change how you feel and how you act or behave. Is that right, Dr. Karla?
Yes, and I love that you’re bringing this up and have to highlight, Dr. Sherry. We take it back to the question of the day. What was taken away from this young person when the pandemic happened, when any big trauma like this happens? Choice agency taken away. I agree with you. Let’s keep going. I love that you highlighted that.
Let’s talk about how to make that power of choice, even in tiny little ways. Amplify that power of choice so we can create new neural networks that are all about instead of helplessness and powerlessness. Those are happening underneath the anxiety. Let’s find a way where we can create more neural networks that are all about choice and agency.
Here you go. Think about this power statement. When you see choices, you have chances. Let’s go back to that previous conversation we were having about the importance of direction and goal. If you know where you’re headed and where your direction is, any obstacle will not set you off your mission. You just go around it. Simon Sinek has a great YouTube video on this about destination. When we think about this, you think about the choices you have in your life.
Seeing choices means you have chances. Share on XYou ask the what question. What is this feeling trying to tell me? What’s this feeling alerting me to? You go to the second what, which is behavioral activation and we go into, what might make me feel hope. What might make me feel better now? What might make me feel like I’m doing something about it? What might make me get one step closer towards my goal?
I have colleagues of mine who created this wonderful set of flashcards, mind focus coaching. I use this example. For those that are reading, it’s imagining two doors, a red door and a green door in your brain. You think about which door is going to get me closer to my goal or get me closer to feeling better or get me closer to having a healthier life? The green door is the door that shows, “It’s a pathway towards a rainbow.” A red door, if you open it, it might feel good now but it’s not going to get you closer to your destination.
There’s smoke and fire coming out right that door, readers.
The green door is the choice that will get you one step closer to your goal. This is something that we learn in choice theory in CBT and positive psychology. You train your brain to think, “I don’t know what to decide.” You’re thinking, “What do I want the goal of this conversation to be?” For example, what do I want the goal of this job interview to be? What about in my relationship? How do I want that person to feel? How do I want to feel after this conversation?
If it’s our young man, you think about, “I want to code myself more for the future than ruminating in the past. What decision, green door or red door is going to make me feel like I’m getting one step closer to a preferred future to making positive change?” That’s one easy way to start practicing to recode your brain for positivity so that you’re looking at the future. You’re not looking in the rearview mirror. You’re looking at the donut and not the hole.
This is so important because we can make it practical now. I’ve worked with individuals who are so depressed they can’t get out of bed. When we look at something like choice theory, they can simply make it something like, “I can get out of bed to go to the bathroom,” and that’s a win. I can stay in bed and be uncomfortable and maybe make a mess. Which one do I pick? I pick getting out of bed to go to the bathroom. The next step might be, I’m hungry. Do I stay here and let my stomach churn for food or do I go to the kitchen and make some eggs or get a bit of cereal?
Some people are so chemically depressed or chemically anxious that they need that gold standard per research of the combination of therapy. CBT is preferable towards what we don’t know in the research and medication. Some people need that because physiologically, they need it.
There’s no shame in that. Some people like to avoid psychopharmacology and you’re right, the gold standard from what our research shows us is that two-pronged approach of therapy and generally CBT. Although there are other highly efficacious forms of therapy coupled with a well-studied psychopharmaceutical, remember, readers, this is a key piece when we’re talking medication, sometimes medication that works for one person doesn’t work for another person.
Realizing, as many well-regarded researchers have said, it is a bit of target practice. If you’re going the medication route, you are not broken. Your child is not broken if a certain medication doesn’t work. It simply means that an individual’s physiology doesn’t match well with that particular medication. Sometimes you need a couple. I’m glad we got that piece out of the way.
Your Tiger Inside
There are also alternatives that a good clinician will go over with you if you’re not comfortable. There are good alternatives. Many of the strategies I shared with you are available in my new children’s book. It’s called Your Tiger Inside and these are strategies to develop emotional intelligence and healthy emotional communication in little ones aged 4 to 8. You can go to my website, YourTigerInside.com to learn how you can order it online, more about the book, and about my work.
I love that you brought up your book. I was going to ask you about it. Even though it’s geared toward a younger age group, I believe even targeting the younger ones so they’re growing up with healthy skills. Also, if you happen to have a copy around your house and it’s in the easy view. In fact, I love reading children’s books because they give you big information in bite-sized pieces that instead of having to read a 300 or 400-page book, you get a lot of the highlights.
It’s great for parents. It’s good for parents to learn how do you communicate and not judge your child’s emotions. As you know so well, many of the problems that we face in relationships are because our emotions were judged when we were younger.
Many of our relationship problems stem from our emotions being judged when we were younger. Share on XClosing
We were told we were stupid or should be quiet or why are you being a sissy or why are you crying? We’re going to make those messages of things of the past. Dr. Sherry, also, I do have to say books like that because I’m such a fan of children’s books. They are super for schools, waiting rooms, and grandparents. I love that they’re so evergreen because emotional intelligence is something that we want to bring to the forefront of all of our relationships. Dr. Sherry, where can our readers find you?
Please go to www. YourTigerInside.com or you can also reach me at my website, MindAndHeartCoaching.com or our PositiviTeens.com website.
Thank you so much for sharing your time, your wisdom, and your energy with us. It’s so appreciated, Dr. Sherry.
Thank you, Dr. Carla. It was an honor to be with you and your readers. I hope to see you again soon.
Thank you.
Important Links
- Dr. Sherry Kelly
- PositiviTeens
- Joy from Fear
- YourTigerInside.com
- https://www.LinkedIn.com/in/sherry-skyler-kelly-phd-47b01816a
- https://MentalHealthHotline.org/ptsd-hotline
- https://www.SAMHSA.gov/find-help/988
- https://www.NAMI.org/support-education/nami-helpline
- https://www.DrCarlaManly.com
- Instagram – Dr. Carla Manly
- Twitter – Dr. Carla Manly
- Facebook – Dr. Carla Manly
- LinkedIn – Dr. Carla Manly
- Youtube – Dr. Carla Manly
- TikTok – Dr. Carla Manly
About Dr. Sherry Kelly
Sherry Kelly, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and clinical neuropsychologist with more than 30 years experience in the field of child development. Dr. Kelly began her career as an educational researcher in 1977 at the University of Minnesota Center for Youth Development and Research. Dr. Kelly completed her undergraduate degree in Social Education at Boston University. During the 1980’s, Dr. Kelly worked with several non-profit organizations and education-focused companies. Her graduate work experience included clinical research with Dr. Lee Salk and a faculty appointment to Cornell Medical School.
Dr. Kelly holds multiple Masters degrees in Psychology from New York University and Yeshiva University. She earned her PhD in Clinical Health Psychology from Yeshiva University in New York. Dr. Kelly completed an APA internship in Child and Adolescent Psychology at the University of Minnesota Medical School and Clinics. She was a National Cancer Institute Fellow and National Institute of Health (NIH) Fellow in Psycho-Oncology, as well as Neuropsychology, at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York City. She has also been an instructor of clinical medicine at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and Weill-Cornell Medical School.
Dr. Kelly’s clinical research experience included 8 years at New York Hospital in the Department of Pediatrics. While at New York Hospital and Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, Dr. Kelly developed innovative, multi-disciplinary, intervention and rehabilitation programs. Dr. Kelly was well-known for her work with children challenged by learning differences, autism, and developmental delays.
Her work has been featured in segments on Good Morning America. From 2000-2007, She was a clinician in private practice, a lecturer, and a columnist. Most recently, Dr. Kelly was a founding board member of Autism After 21, a Boca Raton based non-profit program of support, education, and skills training for young adults with special needs.