Have you ever felt truly and deeply alone? That you are completely isolated behind thick walls or an invisible shell–even when surrounded by a crowd of people or friends? Humans–like most other animals–thrive when they feel connected to others. So it makes sense that loneliness–which is very different from making a choice to spend time alone–negatively impacts physical and psychological health. As research shows us that connection is the key, I’ve reached out to a top expert on connection for insights on this important topic.
Join Dr. Carla Manly and Dr. Adam Dorsay, author, podcaster, TEDx speaker, and connection expert, for a compassionate exploration into the realm of loneliness and the steps we can take to increase connection. With loneliness at epidemic levels, we can all use tips on how to foster healthy relationships to boost mental, emotional, and physical health. Topics covered include: introversion, loneliness, solitude, mindfulness, compassion, mirroring, cognitive flexibility, cognitive rigidity, black-and-white thinking, resiliency, anxiety, stress, depression, bullying, pets, relationships, spirituality, pandemic, loneliness epidemic, and friendship.
Check out these impactful TEDx talks by Dr. Adam Dorsay:
Friendships in Adulthood: 5 Things to Know
Books by Dr. Carla Manly:
Joy from Fear: https://www.amazon.com/Joy-Fear-Carla-Marie-Manly/dp/1641701218
Date Smart: https://www.amazon.com/Date-Smart-Transform-Relationships-Fearlessly/dp/1641704675
Aging Joyfully: https://www.amazon.com/Aging-Joyfully-Optimal-Relationships-Fulfillment/dp/1641701412
The Joy of Imperfect Love: https://www.amazon.com/Joy-Imperfect-Love-Creating-Relationships/dp/1641709057
Oracle decks by Dr. Carla Manly:
Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1757477615/imperfect-love-reflection-oracle-cards
Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Imperfect-Love-Reflection-Oracle-Cards/dp/B0D1Z5M4YK
Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:
Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly
Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/drcarlamanly
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drcarlamanly
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr.carlamariemanly8543
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_carla_manly
Book by Dr. Adam Dorsay:
Super Psyched: Unleash the Power of the 4 Types of Connection and Live the Life You Love
Connect with Dr. Adam Dorsay:
Website: https://dradamdorsay.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dradamdorsay
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/adam-dorsay-psy-d-a582a2
Podcast: https://dradamdorsay.com/superpsyched-dr-dorsays-podcast
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Feeling Alone? Take Charge of Your Mental Health with Connection Expert Dr. Adam Dorsay
Top Tips to Bring More Connection, Compassion, and Joy into Your Life!
Have you ever felt truly and deeply alone, that you are completely isolated behind thick walls or an invisible shell, even when surrounded by a crowd of people or friends? Humans, like most other animals, thrive when they feel connected to others. It makes sense that loneliness, which is very different from choosing to spend time alone, negatively impacts physical, emotional, and mental health.
Research shows us that connection is the key. I reached out to a top connection expert for insights on this very important topic. Today, we’ll focus on this listener’s real-life question. I’m an introvert and have had a lot of trouble getting back into life post-pandemic. I’m depressed and anxious most days. My partner was my biggest source of companionship before and after the pandemic, but we broke up six months ago. It’s hard to socialize because I work remotely. My family is back East, so we have text and video calls, but it’s not enough. How can I make things get better?”
With that question as the focus of today’s episode, I’m Dr. Carla Marie Manly and this is Imperfect Love. Please note that this episode may contain sensitive information. Listener discretion is advised. If you need support, please see the special links in the show notes. Today, I’m joined by a very special guest, Dr. Adam Dorsay, psychologist, TEDx speaker, author, podcaster, and connection expert who teamed up with Facebook to create the International Resiliency Program. Dr. Adam is the author of the tremendous book Super Psyched: Unleash the Power of the 4 Types of Connection and Live the Life You Love.
Welcome to the show. Dr. Dorsay or should I say Dr. Adam?
Just Adam will be fine. May I call you, Carla?
Please do.
I’m so delighted to be with you. Minutes before we recorded in the so-called green room, I got to know a little bit about you and your work and your loves. It’s wonderful to have a new friend and colleague.
The Power of Curiosity
It’s lovely to connect with you and we have so much in common. We found that during our very brief conversation, including our love of yoga and psychology, writing dream analysis, and all of those yummy bits that are behind the scenes. Before we launch into the topic of today, could you tell our audience a little bit about what makes you you?
One of the things that made me me was the byproduct of the nickname I received from the drummer in my garage band in high school. He gave me the name Enthusiasm. Indeed, I came out of the womb a little more on the enthusiastic side of life. Maybe lovely to some and insufferable to others perhaps, but I get excited about things.
I remember sitting in college across from somebody describing something amazing to me. The woman across the table said, “You’re easily impressed.” I said, “I don’t think I’m easily impressed. I think I have a very high threshold for appreciation.” I was glad that I said that because that was my truth. Alex Trebek, the former Jeopardy host, said something to the effect of, “I’m so curious about things that I’m even interested in things I’m not interested in.” I’m profoundly curious about stuff in general even the stuff that I’m ostensibly not interested in. That’s what I would say about me.
There’s something else we have in common. The power of curiosity. It is interesting because curiosity I believe gives us a very youthful energy because kiddos like everything. They want to eat everything, touch everything, find everything, and play everything. They are like dogs in a way. If you have a puppy, you see it wants to get into everything.
As adults, it’s so important for us to maintain that energy because curiosity keeps us going. As you said, even if things are not curious about per se. If you work at being curious or open that door to curiosity, not only do you grow within yourself and maybe discover something that you thought you didn’t like that you do like but also you form a bond with another person where you’ve stepped into their world.
I’m thinking of a time when I liked mechanical things. I wasn’t exposed to them because I was raised to be a girly girl. My husband was doing a hobby and was rebuilding an engine on something and I popped out into his garage. I said, “Can you teach me how to rebuild an engine?” He’s like, “What?” He had this one smaller engine and we pulled it apart and put it back together. Even though I don’t remember, I couldn’t do it on my own, but that curiosity to do that and join with him, all of those things, whether we’re joining with a kid in our lives, a co-worker, a fellow podcast, or whatever might be, curiosity opens up the mind and the spirit. Don’t you think?
A million percent. The audience might not be able to see it, but over my right shoulder, there is a tiny wooden box. It contains the remains of my very first cat. Originally, I hated cats. The degree to which I hated cats, I can’t even tell you. I was never mean to cats, but if I saw a cat around, I would go in the other direction. A cat came into my life. He was awesome. I fell madly in love with him. He ended up being one of the greatest teachers I ever had. I’m still a dog person, but now I am a switch hitter. I will be happy to be around cats or dogs, especially if they’re dog-like cats. I still don’t particularly love the skittish type, but this guy’s name was Yoda and he will always be with me because of that bond that I share.
The reason I bring him up right now and how he relates to your motor or your rebuilding of an engine is I never thought I’d be into it cats. Now cats have been one of the great teachers and healers in my life. I resonate with that idea of stretching. Cognitive rigidity is a hallmark of so many things that we don’t want in psychology. Cognitive flexibility is a component of what we’re looking for. I looked to cats as having been my midwife into a more flexible thinking style.
Before we pop into the word cognitive flexibility for our audience, I don’t want to take for granted that people understand what we’re talking about.
My apologies for using jargon.
The Importance of Human-Animal Connection
I love jargon because it gives us a chance to dive into jargon. Jargon is good. It gives us an opportunity to pause. I love my digressive and pauses so don’t worry. I noticed the box on your window sill. For those of you who aren’t seeing this on YouTube, it looks like a 4 x 6 box like a tiny darling little little box. Here’s another common thing between us, my first dog who happened to be much larger than a cat, who was also one of my greatest teachers, a Great Dane. I still have his ashes in a tiny little silver vial that goes with me everywhere. I think this relates to the listeners’ questions and issues.
We often think that it’s just the human connection that can meet our needs. I’m a firm believer that a relationship with an animal, whether it’s one that we are given that beautiful responsibility and privilege of taking care of like you have a dog. They are such a privilege and they give so much in times when there are feelings of loneliness, isolation, or frustration. Those pets, cats, dogs, people have rabbits and birds. We don’t want to underestimate the joy they can give us and that sense of connection to the planet and parts of the self.
I know there’s an owl that lives in an owl house across my yard, and even my relationship with Minerva. I’m not even on her radar. I don’t think she cares too much about me. Maybe she does. I don’t know, but when we connect with something beyond the self, of course, it’s also lovely to have human relationships but for this individual, having a relationship may be with the neighbor’s pet or volunteering at a Humane Society or adopting a pet or even a fish. It is so lovely to have some other life form approximate. It is and then it becomes a give-and-take and you can have conversations. Is it crazy to have a conversation with a pet? I’ll ask you.
I would say not. I would even say that the research corroborates this idea. We can believe or not in the idea of the pet and human bond, but the research is very solid. Having a pet and having a strong bond with that pet can cause us to release our indigenous feel-good hormones, our serotonin levels, our oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, and dopamine. These all go up. My friend, Carol Novello, used to run the Humane Society in Silicon Valley. She was a CEO there. She wrote a book called Mutual Rescue. The idea is that when we rescue a pet, the pet often rescues us right back.
There are other people, my father, for example, could go several lifetimes and not have any compulsion to touch a pet. He doesn’t feel fulfilled by that. Part of the reason she wrote in this book is that connection each of us has are unique connection formula. My father on the other hand is and by the way, I can’t even go a day without touching one of my pets. I love being with my pets and I do talk to my pets. I think most people do talk to their pets, whether they admit it or not.
I admit it. Hands up. I talk to them all the time.
We were talking offline. The four books you’ve written came through you. This book came through me as well. I want people to engage in what I believe is their birthright to connection. Each of us has our formulas for connection. My father who doesn’t wish to touch a pet at all could enjoy a six-hour opera. For me, that would be a very expensive place to sleep. For him, it’s pure joy and an essential part of his connection formulas. He is an opera man.
Each of us has our unique connection formulas. Share on XI wouldn’t mind a shorter opera. Carmen or something like that would be fine, but sitting for six hours, I’m going to doze off. One of the problems that we have is oftentimes, due to the mirroring received as children and what we were told, we should be into this, or we should be into that because of our gender, or other patterns or beliefs that our parents have that we unwittingly disconnect from our true formulas.
The formula is a perpetually evolving one. You know when you feel like you’re coming alive? For example, you went to a union school to get your doctorate. Nobody needed to tell you that this was a place where you would come alive. You knew it because you felt it in your body, in your brain, and your heart, all of these places.
One of the things I aim to do in this book, in addition, to helping people connect in the four ways that we can connect is to define connection because everybody is talking about the word connection, but I have not seen it defined, and to the best of my ability define it. I went with about ten of my colleagues and I together came up with a working definition. It’s something that brings life force to us. You know when you feel it and nobody needs to tell you it’s there. You just know it.
You’re making me think of something I noticed over time when you’re in a car, airport, or sidewalk, and you meet somebody’s eyes, they can be 10 feet away, they can be 30 feet away. That eye contact, you know they’ve seen you. You know you’ve seen them. That is one way to see a connection where you know you saw each other. You feel that energy is there, that indescribable sense of my life force has met your life force. It can turn the volume up on that or we can turn. Do you know what I mean?
For sure. Sometimes it’s sustainable. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s an instant and it’s gone and you start talking to the person. You find out there was something in the air but nothing more and sometimes you find out, “Thank God, we took a moment and started talking because we were meant to meet.”
Cognitive Flexibility’s Role in Breaking Rigid Thinking Patterns
I love the serendipity of things like that or the two of us talking beforehand, “We have this in common.” Let’s go to two definitions before I’ll probably ask you for more. Before we talk about finding that connection and that unique formula for the self. If you would please explain to our audience cognitive flexibility and why it matters so much and mirroring because people might not understand why those two concepts and many more are so important for self-growth.
My definitions will not be the most erudite. They are not textbook definitions but to the best of my ability to describe cognitive flexibility oftentimes is the opposite of cognitive rigidity where we see things as yes or no. You and I have both grown up. When we were children, we knew there were bad guys and good guys. As we got older, we began to see that’s on a spectrum. This person who seems like a good guy does some pretty bad things, and the guy who seems like he’s a bad guy does some pretty good things. It’s not black and white.
Black-and-white thinking is considered a distorted way of thinking. Being able to say there is this and that. There are new ones. There’s more to the story than just a simple one-bit conclusion. Our brains are not meant to think anything but black and white because our brains have two primary directives. One is to survive and the other is to conserve energy. Our brains left to their default systems are rather rigid. As we evolve, as we grow, as we learn, we begin to see that there’s more to the story. It’s like on this hand, that’s happening. On the other hand, still.
I love this joke. It’s a lot to tell because I’m Jewish. Two men are arguing and they realize they’re never going to come to the right conclusion. They bring their argument to the rabbi. The rabbi listens, strokes his beard, and says finally, “You sir are correct.” To the other one, “You sir are also correct.” Somebody overheard this and said, “They can’t both be correct.” The rabbi said, “You are also correct.” The fact is there are many sides to a story.
There’s a great Kurosawa film called Rashomon where you see multiple people describing a crime that transpired. Each of them describes it from their vantage point and it’s so different. It’s like the Elephant and the Blind Men parable. I believe it stems from Sufism where each of them is touching a part of the elephant niche and is convinced that the elephant is flat like a pancake because he’s touching the ear or rope-like because he’s touching the tail, or trunk like a tree. Cognitive flexibility is the ability to recognize that there’s a multiplicity of truths that are going on at the same time. In terms of the other question that you asked.
Cognitive flexibility is the ability to recognize that there's a multiplicity of truths that are going on at the same time. Share on XI gave you two questions at once, so let me pause on this one and just add so that I’m leaving it back to the listener’s question a bit. That cognitive flexibility helps us get out of that frame, that dichotomous thing.
Let me speak to that. Oftentimes, when we are anxious our creativity goes down the tubes. We think there is no possible solution, when in fact, there are probably many solutions. One of the things that I remember from high school, this is a horrible example and I’m sorry, trigger alert slightly. The bullies in school used to go like the big guy would go up to the little guy. It was horrible in the 1980s, grab his nipple, turns it 90 degrees, and ask the poor guy, “Name three Japanese cars.” There’s no way they could even name one Japanese car because they were in too much duress.
That’s a violent description and I apologize for it. Oftentimes, when we are in turmoil on our own, it can feel like that. It can feel like there is no possible solution. One of the things that happens in the height of anxiety is a scarcity of creativity. We become cognitively rigid. One of the things that we can think of is how we get our bodies into a relaxed state. For some of us, it’s going into more water. For some of us, it’s working out. For some of us, it’s seeing a comedy routine.
Comedy can be a great disruptor of this spin of rigidity because comedians if they do anything well, are flexible. They can cause you to laugh and laughter will stir up all the good stuff and get you from that place of scarcity to a place of possibility. When we’re lonely and you differentiated those so beautifully. There’s a difference between solitude which is being alone by choice and it’s good for us. We like these silent retreats and being alone and hanging out in our pajamas and our fuzzy bunny slippers. Those are great.
We need that and we would choose that. If only this runs against the nature of the core of our existence, we even have some indications. I’ve heard anecdotes of plant life even doing better when they are talked to and have music around them. That’s a very interesting phenomenon. We are not meant to be alone all the time. Solitude, yes, sometimes to recharge our batteries, but each of us no matter how much of an introvert we might be needs some form of human connection. Each of us has a different feeding schedule. Some of us are super extroverted and like a dog who needs to be around all the time with the tail wagging like, “I can’t wait to see you again.”
My friend Britt Frank describes feeding schedules as being akin to mimicking our needs for human connection. There are hummingbirds who need to feed all the time. There are scorpions that don’t need to eat all that much. They can eat once a month and be sated. I believe Britt because she’s very smart. I like thinking about that in those terms. Introverts tend to need less of that in-your-face social connection and they need more time to recharge.
Loneliness is bad is bad for us no matter what. The surgeon general has issued a warning at pandemic levels. We have evidence that loneliness can be very detrimental to our health. It can be worse than smoking cigarettes in some ways. It’s even more indicative of mortality. What can we do? We can think outside the box. We can talk to a therapist like you. I’m guessing that if somebody had the privilege of speaking with you or listening to your podcast. They would come up with new ideas.
Loneliness can be detrimental to our health. It's worse than smoking cigarettes in some ways. Share on XMy idea may not be a brilliant idea by any stretch but there’s often a distance between what we know and what we do, and if people are willing to do the thing, it will help. Join a meetup group for something that you like anyway and have the vulnerability to talk to somebody. You might drive home having that nobody that felt like there was a connection there. At least you will have done something you like but there’s a chance that someone else there is hoping to meet you. They just don’t know it yet.
One of the things that I’m so grateful to Brene Brown for is she has come public about the idea that vulnerability is a precursor for courage. Courage is one of the greatest of all virtues. If we are not vulnerable, if we are not a little bit scared, we are not exhibiting courage. A good example is let’s imagine I decided to go skydiving. Something I probably will never do, but if I did, it would be a massively courageous act because I’d be very vulnerable and very scared, but the teacher who would be with me in tandem with the parachute has probably done it 500 times. There’s no courage there because, for that teacher, that would be like me hopping onto a Zoom call, which I’m very used to doing.
Not a lot of courage is required for me to jump onto a Zoom call now. Very little vulnerability at this stage of the game. When we’re lonely, we may also feel less courageous because one of the other studies that we know about is when people look at a mountain that they’re about to climb and they are lonely, they judge the grade as being more severe than they do when they are in company. They judge the greatest as far less severe when they are in comfortable company.
We do need social support and Carla, you are providing social support in this way to the listener who will feel encouraged and they may be able to internalize you and carry you with them when they do the courageous thing that they need to do to feel less lonely.
Such brilliant points. For the audience, we’ll do a quick recap as they are so important. They’re getting to things we can do when we get away from the cognitive rigidity. I am alone. The world is dark. The world is scary. That’s understandable. That’s what happens when we become anxious, depressed, and stressed, and moving into that world, as you were saying, the world of possibility, baby-stepping it toward listening to a podcast, find a mental health podcast.
Look for a Facebook group of people who are stressed or anxious. There are tons of them out there so you immediately know you’re not alone. Join a meetup group, go and volunteer, all of these things, take a walk down the sidewalk or around your neighborhood, pet somebody’s dog, all of these things. I’m not minimizing the courage that it takes the first second, third, or fourth time you’re doing these things.
I don’t know if you’ve ever been there, Adam, in your life but I surely have where you’re getting out of your comfort zone, that first podcast, that first time you’re with a client. I remember that. Am I going to do this right? The first time I led a big group. All of these first, no matter how much education or experience we have, firsts are scary.
I love and I’ve learned to look at that inner terror. That’s an overactive system that’s trying to protect me on a very primitive level. If I just be with the anxiety, move through the anxiety, and do that next step, then I move through that anxiety, that terror, and the next time I do it, it’s easier. For our audience and all those people out there, here’s the other piece you said that I so believe in. If you are lonely and you’re on a block of people 20 other houses, 30 other houses, apartments, or whatever, chances are someone next to you or the third house down or the fourth apartment up is also lonely and suffering in silence.
Chances are if you reach out to somebody, somebody is going to be there waiting saying, “Thank you for stopping by. Thank you for sharing those extra cookies with me,” so doing those. I appreciate that you brought that up and the Importance of being courageous because courage is different from bravery. Bravery is moving forward when you’re not afraid. Courage is moving forward when you are afraid.
I have such respect for courage because all of us face scary situations sometimes. Moving through that scary situation, especially if it’s not like a dog is getting ready to bite you or a tiger or a bear is waiting around the corner. It’s an unrealistic fear, which can feel very big and scary, especially when you’re lonely, stressed, anxious, and depressed. Take one baby step forward, pausing, and giving yourself a pat on the back for how you have done that one act of courage. That can help with cognitive flexibility. Don’t you think, Adam?
A million percent yes. You said a few things that I have to comment on. The first of which is I was diagnosed very late in life at the age of 27 with ADHD of the inattentive type, which explained a lot of why school was so hard for me. I was in special ed for five years and people would use bad language to describe my intellectual performance. I bathe for five years thinking myself to be uneducatable. I also was severely dyslexic and it was very hard for me to get through college on the first round.
The amount of courage it took for me to get back into graduate school at some point and to see my first client was utterly terrifying. Oprah said something akin to everything you want is on the other side of fear and I love that idea. I’m not talking about reckless fear., I’m not talking about going on base jumping or trying to wrestle with a bear or something. I’m not talking about recklessness, but I am talking about the things that you want in life.
The other thing you said about the person three doors down who may also be sad or lonely. You and I have probably been very well educated on this burgeoning research on self-compassion. One of the ways that we can rock self-compassion, by the way, self-compassion seems to be correlated with virtually every good outcome possible, so much so that Chris Germer who was on my podcast was talking about this. Even the Navy SEALs use it to great advantage because it gets results better and faster.
Self-compassion seems to be correlated with virtually every good outcome possible. Share on XThe three ways that we can do it is by talking to ourselves the way we would talk to a friend. If we talk to our friends the way we talk to ourselves, we would have no friends. We may even lionize the idea of speaking to ourselves poorly. It’s not good for us, folks. Speaking to ourselves the way we speak to friends is a really good first start.
The second one is mindfulness, seeing it for what it is, and being aware of what’s going on while it’s going on and not making it bigger than what it is. The third is realizing that for everyone on the planet, suffering is universal. The person a few doors down is maybe suffering and maybe would very much welcome that call. Even if they don’t necessarily demonstrate that they do, you don’t know what they’re thinking.
The other thing that made me think of particularly because we’re dog people is there is a ton of research that indicates that people are far more likely to be engaged by others when they’re walking down the street if they have a dog. If I was to walk by myself, nobody is going to engage me. They’re not going to say, “Mister on the black shirt, nice to see you.” When my beautiful dog Mosey died, I was bereft. One of my areas of expertise is in pet loss and pet-related grief.
One of the exercises that I put myself through was I made a list of all of the people Mosey introduced me to. It was somewhere around 60. It was somewhere between 40 and 60. I can’t quite remember the exact number. Many of whom were good people in my life. One of whom got me my first TEDx Talk. You never know who your dog will introduce you to.
One of the people was the guy who designed the first Apple logo, just crazy stuff. I never would have met him otherwise. He only engaged me because I had the dog. If you’re a dog person, first of all, your loneliness will go down in all likelihood. Your positive feel-good hormones will be increased. It’s good for depression, anxiety, and a whole host of other things, and trauma. It’s good for all that. You’ll probably meet some people you wouldn’t otherwise have met.
If you're a dog person, your loneliness will go down in all likelihood, and your positive feel-good hormones will be increased. Share on XMirroring and Its Impact on Self-Perception and Relationships
I 100% agree with you. I think of all the people I have met whom we connected with because of walking with my dogs. Thank you for affirming that. The audience knows that the Humane Society is not supporting this podcast. They might be enjoying it, but we believe this from our hearts and our lived experience. Hoping over to mirroring, one of my favorite topics. Before I ask you to define it, let’s start there.
Imagine being introduced to somebody’s children. Let’s say they are 4 and 6 years old and the parent has already said, “Hello, this is David. He’s the future doctor. Hello, this is Lori. She’s the future lawyer.” The parent is mirroring the child and probably grotesquely distortedly who this person is and who they will become when they’re adults when they’re 4 and 6 years old respectively. Not a great idea. We’ve all been mirrored in certain ways by our teachers, other authorities, parents, uncles, aunts, etc.
I remember the very first person who I remember calling me stupid was an adult family member and I will never forget it. Not a parent and he’s no longer in the family. He divorced out, but I remember him calling me stupid. That was a form of mirroring. Meanwhile, I had my grandpa Ben who was like, “Adam, do you realize the gifts you have? You’re going to make it kid. You’re going to make it.” My grandpa is giving me a very different form of mirroring.
One of the ways I like to think about it is, for those of us who remember fun house mirrors, where you have these distorted mirrors and you get to see yourself and it’s like vertical or horizontal or whatever it is. It’s really interesting and funny, except for the fact that it’s not funny when a grown-up does that with us when we’re children, and it even happens later in life. We might get an evaluation from a boss saying, “You are not a people person,” when in fact, you are. They’re just seeing you through their lens.
You might not be getting good mirroring. You might be getting some good mirroring at times. Maybe they are noticing something that we aren’t willing to notice that you and I would probably refer to as shadow. These parts of ourselves that we would rather not acknowledge exist. Sometimes that’s important. I’m not minimizing that because I don’t want people to think, “They say it. It’s not true.” It might be someone true or maybe some truth in it. Some of the best mirroring I’ve ever had has been the mirror I did not want, but it was crucial for me to take a look at myself and say, “I can’t see myself.”
I don’t know about you, but I remember the very first time I saw myself give a public talk on video and I cringed and nearly fell on the floor. I was doing all kinds of things that were not consistent with the way I imagined myself to be. I thought I was smooth, swab, TV-ready. I was uttering ums. I would have these weird mannerisms where I roll up my sleeves nervously and lip-smacking and all this other stuff was going on.
I’m so glad I saw it because I was able to change it after having seen it. One of the best sources of mirroring can be ourselves on video and saying, “How am I coming across versus how do I perceive myself to be coming across?” Is there a discrepancy that I might fine-tune a few of these things? Mirroring happened in a whole bunch of ways.
Thank you for that lovely background because we’re looking at mirroring in our audience or anyone out there who is feeling alone, unworthy of connection, unlovable, or broken because you’re an introvert. Both Adam and I are here, mirroring back to you that if you are alone because you want to have some solitary time, and that’s what feels good to your body, mind, and spirit, yes, that’s good for you.
If you are alone not by choice but because of habit, stuckness, or fear, we are here mirroring to you that you can do this. You have an innate and natural ability to draw up your courage and reach out and connect to other people who will see you and reflect back to you that you are a good, worthy, wonderful person and they will see you.
Finding and Fostering Connections
That is the beauty of healthy mirroring as Adam clearly shows, there can be negative mirroring where somebody is telling you you’re stupid, you’re ugly, or you’re not worthy. We don’t want people like that in our lives. They’re not helpful. What we do want is at our own pace and baby-stepping in to move out and connect with people who mirror back to us with love, kindness, compassion, and empathy, seeing us. To anyone out there who’s feeling lonely, you can find that. It might take you a little while to find it but it is there. Thank you, Adam, for that. I’m aware of our time here. Can you give us some quick strokes about finding your connective?
The four ways that we connect are we connect with ourselves first and it ripples outwards like circles. The most important connection is how we can connect with ourselves because it informs all other connections. The second way is how we connect with others. It could include how I connect with my wife, how I connect with my kids, and how I’m connecting with you. The third ripple is how we connect with the world. The world can include things like work, art, and nature. The fourth is how we connect with something greater. For some people, it might be religion. For some people, it might be some form of spirituality.
Even for the most devout Orthodox atheists, when they go someplace beautiful, like the Grand Canyon, they will say, “Wow.” They’re having an experience of all awe, which has been put under the microscope to great effect. We now know that awe is like gratitude on steroids. It does great things for ourselves, our bodies, our brains, and the people around us. We may end up hugging and be more loving.
The book aims to help people find their own connection formulas, all eight billion of us have different ways that we need to connect slightly. There may be overlap but there are always individual differences and it defines connection. It doesn’t tell you what to do, but it gives you places gentle nudges of where to look and ways to ascertain, “Is this a real connection for me or not?”
Thank you for that beautifully eloquent overview. To our audience, an important takeaway. Your formula and Dr. Adam did call this out. Your formula will be different from someone else’s. Where I personally see people get suffering added to their plate is when they’re looking at their life and they have 1 or 2 close friends or not a lot of close friends, but family members that they feel close to, whether they’re in the same town or far.
They’re comparing themselves to friends on Facebook or somebody they know who has 30 friends, 50 friends, or 82 friends. Remember what works for you is going to be different from what works for someone else. Don’t let yourself get into that loop of carryng yourself. Dr. Adam, thank you so much. I had to sneak that piece in there. Thank you for bearing with me. Where can our listeners find you?
DrAdamDorsay.com. Look me up. I’m very easy to Google. My TEDx Talks and my book are available on Amazon. My TEDx Talks are of course available on YouTube. My podcast, which is nearing 250 episodes is available on all platforms.
Dr. Adam, thank you so much for sharing your time, your energy, and your wisdom with us today. I’m so grateful and it’s been such a pleasure.
Likewise, Dr. Carla. It’s great to be with you.
It’s great to be with you. Thank you to our listeners. This is Imperfect Love.
Important Links
- Dr. Adam Dorsay’s Website
- Super Psyched: Unleashed the Power of the Four Types of Connection and Live the Life You Love Website
- Friendships in Adulthood: 5 Things to Know| Adam Dorsay | TEDxSanLuisObispo on YouTube
- Emotions: The Data Men Miss | Adam Dorsay | TEDxSantaClaraUniversity on YouTube
- SuperPsyched Podcast Website
- Dr Carla Manly’s Website
- Dr. Carla Manly on Instagram
- Dr. Carla Manly on Twitter
- Dr. Carla Manly on Facebook
- Carla Marie Manly’s LinkedIn
- Dr. Carla Manly on YouTube
- Dr. Carla Manly on TikTok
About Dr. Adam Dorsay
Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist, award-winning podcaster, and a certified coach working in Silicon Valley. The author of “Super Psyched: Unleash the Power of the 4 Types of Connection and Live the Life You Love,” Dr. Dorsay’s work focuses on helping others lead their best lives.
He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults (including professionals, executives, entrepreneurs, and professional athletes) with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions and, more recently, he delivered a TEDx talk on friendship in adulthood.
He is also a resiliency expert who has created programs for companies including Facebook and DigitalOcean. He is the host of a Sharecare Award-winning psychology podcast called SuperPsyched. On the podcast, he talks with guests about psychology through the eyes of experts from NBA coaches to bestselling authors in the field.
Adam is happily married with two young boys and a hypoallergenic 33-pound Australian Labradoodle therapy dog, who lives at his home and works at his office.