We often crave to be loved perfectly, yet human love is naturally imperfect. And while it’s normal for us to unintentionally let each other down now and again, actions of betrayal are in a different category altogether. When those we count on most betray us, the body, mind, and spirit are deeply traumatized. The etymology of the word “betrayal” takes us to its roots of intentional deceit, unfaithfulness, and treachery–all of which remind us of the magnitude of betraying trust. Betrayal, as the antithesis of trust and love, can destroy a relationship that took years to build. There is almost nothing more devastating than discovering that someone you counted on–a person you trusted deeply to love and care for you–has deceived you. Whether we are betrayed by a romantic partner, family member, friend, or other trusted person, betrayal can cut us to the core. How can we heal from the pain of betrayal? Join Dr. Carla and betrayal expert Dr. Debi Silber for a wisdom-filled exploration of betrayal, trauma, and the journey into healing. This insightful episode focuses on the traumatic effects of family betrayals. The impact of betrayal within romantic relationships is also highlighted. Listener discretion is advised.
Books by Dr. Carla Manly:
Joy from Fear: https://www.amazon.com/Joy-Fear-Carla-Marie-Manly/dp/1641701218
Date Smart: https://www.amazon.com/Date-Smart-Transform-Relationships-Fearlessly/dp/1641704675
Aging Joyfully: https://www.amazon.com/Aging-Joyfully-Optimal-Relationships-Fulfillment/dp/1641701412
The Joy of Imperfect Love: https://www.amazon.com/Joy-Imperfect-Love-Creating-Relationships/dp/1641709057
Oracle decks by Dr. Carla Manly:
Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1757477615/imperfect-love-reflection-oracle-cards
Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Imperfect-Love-Reflection-Oracle-Cards/dp/B0D1Z5M4YK
Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:
Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly
Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/drcarlamanly
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drcarlamanly
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr.carlamariemanly8543
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_carla_manly
Book by Dr. Debi Silber:
Trust Again: Overcoming Betrayal and Regaining Health, Confidence, and Happiness
The Unshakable Woman: 4 Steps to Rebuilding Your Body, Mind and Life After a Life Crisis
The Rebuild Roadmap: A Personalized Blueprint to Heal Yourself and Transform Your Relationships
A Pocket Full of Mojo: 365 Proven Strategies to Create Your Ultimate Body, Mind, Image and Lifestyle
The Lifestyle Fitness Program: A Six Part Plan So Every Mom Can Look, Feel and Live Her Best
Connect with Dr. Debi Silber:
Website: https://thepbtinstitute.com
Podcast: https://thepbtinstitute.com/podcast
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/debisilber
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/DebiSilber
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Watch the episode here
Listen to the podcast here
Healing from Family and Romantic Relationship Betrayals with Expert Dr. Debi Silber
Transform the Trauma and Pain of Betrayal Into Personal Growth!
We often crave to be loved perfectly. Yet, human love is naturally imperfect. While it’s normal for us to unintentionally let each other down now and again, actions of betrayal are in a different category altogether. The etymology of the word betrayal takes us to its roots of deceit, unfaithfulness, and treachery, all of which remind us of its magnitude. Betrayal, as the antithesis of trust and love, can destroy a relationship that took years to build. Whether we are betrayed by a romantic partner, family member, friend, or other trusted person, betrayal can cut us to the core. Is it possible to fully heal from the pain of betrayal?
We’ll focus on this reader’s real-life question, “My family fell apart after my parents died. They were everything to me. Although my parents didn’t have much to leave us, my oldest sister and brother betrayed me behind the scenes to get more for themselves. I feel sick from the betrayal and don’t have any contact with them. I feel like I don’t have any family left. How can I let this go?” With that question as the focus of this episode, this is the show.
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I’m joined by a very special guest, Dr. Debi Silber, who will be sharing her expertise on helping people heal physically, mentally, and emotionally from the pain of betrayal.
Welcome to the show, Dr. Debi. It is such a joy and a pleasure to have you with us.
Thank you so much. I’m looking forward to our conversation.
About Dr. Debi Silber
Thank you for the work you do in helping people heal from the pain, whether it be mental, physical, or emotional, all of that that comes with betrayal. Before we launch into betrayal and respond to the reader’s question, can you tell our audience a little bit about what makes you, you?
Sure. I’ve been in business for 33-plus years. I don’t think anybody says, “I want to study betrayal.” You study it because you have. I was in health, mindset, and personal development, and then I had a painful betrayal from my family. I thought I did everything I needed to do to heal from that, and then it happened again a few years later. This time, it was my husband. Anybody who has been through that, you’re shocked, blindsided, and devastated. That was the deal breaker. I got him out of the house.
I looked at the two experiences, thinking, “What’s similar to these two? There’s me, but what else?” I realized that I never really took my own needs seriously. Boundaries were always getting crossed. I’m one of those people that lives by the idea that if nothing changes, nothing changes. Here I was, 4 kids, 6 dogs, and a thriving business, and I decided to go back for a PhD to study betrayal. It was in transpersonal psychology. While I was there, I did a study, a study of betrayal. I was honestly looking to heal. I had no idea this was going to happen, but that study led to three discoveries, which changed my health, my family, my work, and my life.
I have a feeling we’re going to be talking about those three discoveries. On your website, you are actively doing research. Your website’s fascinating with lots of tips, tools, and information. It’s a really good place to start. You talk about the 5 steps or the 5 stages of healing from betrayal. Could you tell us a little bit about those before we dive into responding to that particular question? I didn’t know about your family betrayal when I matched you with this particular question. Many people think that betrayal is done by your romantic partner. They think that that’s it, but betrayal can happen in every half avenue of life.
It’s interesting because when I was doing the study, originally, I was studying the betrayal of a family member, a partner, or a friend. I had to drop the friend part because while friends will infuriate you, they don’t break you. We’re never broken or bent like a family member or a partner. Those are the ones that bring us to our needs. Those are the ones that get us the most. To answer your question, though, the five stages was the 3rd discovery. Do you want me to go into that one first? I can go into all of them.
While friends may infuriate you, they can’t break you like a family member or a partner can. They’re the ones who can bring us to our knees. Share on XFirst Discovery: Betrayal Is A Different Type Of Trauma
Let’s start with the discoveries in the order that you choose. That’s a wonderful place to start.
The first discovery was I had a feeling that betrayal was a different type of trauma. I’d been through the death of a loved one. I’d been through disease, but I was like, “Betrayal feels different for me.” I didn’t want to assume it was the same for all my study participants, so I asked them, “If you’ve been through other traumas, does betrayal feel different for you?” Unanimously, they said it was so different, and here’s why.
Since it feels so intentional, we take it so personally. The entire self is shattered and has to be rebuilt. Rejection, abandonment, belonging, confidence, worthiness, and trust are all destroyed and have to be rebuilt. While originally I was studying betrayal and post-traumatic growth, the upside of trauma, I was like, “Post-traumatic growth, I look at it as the invitation to change your life and rebuild your life after a trauma.” Betrayal is rebuilding not just your life but rebuilding yourself as well. That type of trauma and healing needed its own name, which is called post-betrayal transformation. Betrayal is a different type of trauma. That was the first discovery. Do you want me to get to the second one?
Before you go into the second one, I want to pause and commend you or maybe comment on our alignment in a key piece about betrayal that you captured immediately, which I was going to bring up if you didn’t, but you did bring it up. It’s the fact that betrayal is intentional, and that’s what makes it different. If we have an unconscious misstep, we hurt a partner’s feelings or we cross a loved one or a family member’s boundaries, those are acts of being an imperfect human. In betrayal, there’s treachery, deceit, and planning behind the scenes. There’s the knowledge that you are telling a false story or manipulating someone. Whether somebody is like, “It was unconscious. I didn’t mean it,” there’s planning. There’s manipulation involved.
To take that even further, think about it. We can be betrayed by people that we are not that close to. The reason why betrayal is so shocking and traumatizing is this was the person or these were the people we trusted the most. This was the person or these were the people who gave us a sense of safety and security. When these are the people who take it away, it is shocking.
That shock lodges itself in our bodies, minds, and hearts. It’s as if the person takes a mask off and reveals who they’ve been, whereas here we are, abiding by the rules of that relationship, assuming that the other person or the other people are too. Without our awareness or consent, someone decides to do it a different way. It’s shocking.
I agree with you completely. There are implicit rules in relationships, such as respect, honesty, fairness, and transparency. We ought not to have to double-check those. Many people that I work with and from recovering from my own betrayals realize, “These are common sense. I shouldn’t have had to.” I’m not a big should person, but these are some of the foundational rules that when we look, we’re like, “Wait.”
In a relationship, we ought to be able to rely on honesty, integrity, respect, transparency, openness, and all of those things. If somebody’s going to do something that could be harmful, then you say, “I’m going to do this. I’m going to take all the money or have sex with somebody at the office,” or whatever it is.” At least be transparent about it. That’s where the pain of betrayal comes. It’s the lack of transparency and the lack of agency for the other person.
It’s the breaking of those spoken or unspoken rules. Think about this, too. Let’s say when you lose someone you love, for example, you grieve, you’re sad, and you mourn the loss. Life will never be the same. You don’t necessarily question the whole relationship. You don’t question your ability to trust. You don’t question your sanity. With betrayal, you do. It’s a very different experience.
Second Discovery: Symptoms Common To Betrayal
That’s beautifully said. What’s number two? What’s your second discovery?
The second discovery is there is a collection of symptoms, whether physical, mental, or emotional, so common to betrayal that it’s known as Post-Betrayal Syndrome. We’ve had over 95,000-plus people take our Post Betrayal Syndrome Quiz on our site to see to what extent they’re struggling. There are a few things about that. The first thing is we’ve all been told, “Time heals all wounds.” I have proof that when it comes to betrayal, that’s not true.
There’s a question on the quiz that says, “Is there anything else you’d like to share?” People write things like, “My betrayal happened 35 years ago and I’m unwilling to trust. My betrayal happened ten years ago. I feel gutted. My betrayal happened fifteen years ago. It feels like it happened yesterday.” We know we cannot count on time.
We can’t even count on a new relationship to heal betrayal. Healing has to be deliberate and intentional. Until and unless we do that, it will follow us in our work, health, and relationships. I pull the stats from the quiz every few months to see where people land. I’m happy to share them if that would serve.
Maybe we can share some highlights of what the quiz shows toward the end, or would you like to do that now?
We’re talking about it, so we can do this.
Let’s share it.
It’ll make the third discovery make so much more sense.
That’s good.
I’m going to share some of these statistics. As much as I’m going to share the symptoms, everybody really should pay attention to these numbers because they are so high. Imagine. Out of 95,000-plus people, 78% constantly revisit their experience. 81% feel a loss of personal power. 80% are hypervigilant. 94% deal with painful triggers. If you’ve ever had a trigger, they’re brutal.
For the most common physical symptoms, 71% have low energy, 68% have sleep issues, 63% have extreme fatigue. You sleep all night and when you wake up, you’re exhausted. Your adrenals have crashed. Forty-seven percent have weight changes. In the beginning, maybe you can’t even hold food down. Later on, you’re emotionally eating. Forty-five percent have a digestive issue. That can be anything, Crohn’s, IBS, or diverticulitis. You name it.
For the most common mental symptoms, 78% are overwhelmed, 68% can’t focus, 62% can’t concentrate. Let’s stop there. You can’t concentrate. You have a gut issue. You’re exhausted. You still have to work. You still have to raise your kids. That’s not even emotionally. Emotionally, 88% experienced extreme sadness. Eighty-three percent are very angry. You can bounce back and forth between those two all day. Seventy-nine percent are stressed.
I’m skipping so many of them. There are a few more. This one got me. Eighty-four percent have an inability to trust. Think about how that would impact everything you do. Sixty-seven percent prevent themselves from forming deep relationships because they’re afraid of being hurt again. Eighty-two percent find it hard to move forward. Ninety percent want to move forward, but they don’t know how.
To finish off with that, what’s even more staggering is those stats aren’t even necessarily from a recent betrayal. That could be from the parent who did something awful when you were a kid. That could be from the girlfriend or boyfriend who broke your heart in high school. Think about this. That person may not know, care, or remember. They may not even be alive. Here we are decades later with those symptoms because it’s left unhealed. The good news is we can heal from all of it, which was the third discovery. Before we get into that, do you have any questions about this one?
Those statistics are extremely illuminating. They’re not surprising because we both work with clients and groups. We see that betrayal is haunting. I agree with you. I talk about this quite a bit in my fourth book, The Joy of Imperfect Love. The idea that time heals all wounds causes so many problems because people think, “I’m not bringing this into my relationship. It’s from my childhood. I’m not taking this into my third, second, or first marriage. It’s from a prior relationship.”
Every injury and every betrayal, whether it was a theft, a lie to you, or whatever it was, stays in the body, mind, and spirit until they are given conscious attention and until they are healed. I look at them much like a physical wound. If you have BB stuck inside your body, it’s going to fester. That wound will get worse until you open up the wound, take it out very carefully, clean it, and allow it to heal. I agree with you. It’s the same with betrayal.
Possibly, betrayal is one of the most difficult wounds to heal from because it does take us down to that foundation. We look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. That safety and security or that foundation that we all need to be able to function, there is a big earthquake to it. It is in pieces and people are expected to carry on with their lives.
All the while, often, for the person who’s betrayed, the other person or the people who’ve done the betrayal are saying, “It’s your problem. You are the problem. You are too sensitive,” or, “You are not playing by our roles.” The person is often really left questioning themselves. When it comes to physical betrayal, often, the betraying person says, “You weren’t keeping yourself up,” or, “This other person was sexier,” or, “You weren’t giving me enough sex,” or whatever it is. All of those excuses are that. They’re excuses because there is no excuse for betrayal. That’s my opinion.
We have a program for the betrayer as well. It takes a certain kind of person who’s willing to even do that program. Often, we’ll hear from the betrayed, “They’re struggling with unhealed trauma,” and this and that. You may be as well, but you didn’t choose to betray. While they have all of their stuff that needs to be cleaned up, whatever it was that led to it, there is no excuse for betrayal at all. Ever.
You also said something about it being so physical. It is. That’s why when people say, “I’m in therapy,” that’s addressing things at one level, and it may or may not be helpful. We have a lot of people who come into the PBT Institute with therapy trauma. When I go through the next discovery, you’ll see how often it does more harm than good if that person isn’t highly skilled in betrayal. Do you want me to go through the third discovery?
Not quite yet. I have one more question for you. You may or may not have the information at your fingertips. I’m curious about the proportion of people who sign up who are betrayers compared to those who are betrayed. I’m asking because those who are the betrayers often don’t do it as a one-off. It is their way of life. They are somewhere larking with mental health disorders often where they have something going on and they think it’s okay. They think they’re entitled to betray other people and act in ways that, on one level, they really know they ought to. Without getting into DSM diagnoses, could you tell us a little bit about that piece?
The Betrayer And The Betrayed
It’s so interesting because our rebuild program for the betrayers is pretty popular, but we don’t attract the type of person that you’re speaking of. This is the person who realizes, “I shattered the heart and trust of the very person I love the most who loves me the most. What in the world was I thinking? I am ready to do whatever it takes to make this right and become someone I’m proud of.” That’s the person this is for, not the person making excuses and blaming.
It’s so interesting. I have a group call with the betrayers once a month. In fact, I thought it was going to be hard for me to do. I love it because these are people who take their healing so seriously. There was a moment when one of our rebuild members asked a question and said, “I can’t believe she’s really thinking of breaking up the family.” It was a husband and wife. I stopped him right there. I said, “Your decisions caused the breakup of the family. What she decides to do about it is up to her. When you made those choices, you were the one who broke up the family.” They don’t get away with anything. There’s no shaming or blaming, but they’re not getting away with any of it.
That brings to the forefront, a big piece of the healing in betrayal. A betrayal, like anything, is on a spectrum from smaller to very significant. They’re all betrayals. It’s interesting how personal accountability is a part of every single one. If the individual who betrayed is not willing to step up, take accountability, take responsibility, and go through the steps to apologize, which is minuscule but necessary, and all of the rebuilding that comes after that, I’m glad your program attracts a portion of people who are willing to do that work to learn how to not betray other people. The betrayer is also betraying themselves, which they often don’t realize. When we betray others, we are betraying our own respect, integrity, and all of those things. Do you know the proportion of the number of signups you get of betrayers versus betrayed?
We have, to give a percentage, probably 60% or 65% betrayed and 35% betrayers.
That is quite high. Also, the caliber of the person because it takes so much integrity to reach out once you’ve betrayed to do the healing and want to become a better person, a person you can be proud of. It’s tremendous that your program is attracting people who really want to do that work. That’s phenomenal.
Thank you. We also attract a very different type of betrayed. This is not the person who’s been betrayed. This is the person who is ready to heal from betrayal. It’s a very different type of person.
I can see the difference. One is wounded. The other one is being ready to heal from those wounds. People often aren’t ready. They need time. They’re not ready to do that. Explain to our audience what you see in those two different categories.
It’s a very different population. One is it could be too soon in their experience. Once I go through the third discovery, you will see them so clearly in my explanation, but as a brief thing, they have their story, and they stick with it. They can’t imagine anything other than that. They may not be ready. They’re also, many of them, and I’m saying this because I’m the recipient of their emails and messages, angry, bitter, and resentful. I get it.
I work with the most untrusting niche there is for a good reason. They’re thinking, “I’m another one of these people who’s going to betray them,” or our whole community will betray them. They’ve created a narrative around their story. They also experience repeat betrayals. It’s this one mess of toxic soup that needs to be cleaned up if and when they’re ready.
I love how you put that. Sometimes, when we are in a toxic soup, we have become so used to it that we don’t realize it’s toxic. It’s like putting a freshwater fish into saltwater. It’s not going to make it. It may take some time to realize, “This isn’t going to work.” Sometimes, that fish dies. Sometimes, it finds a way back into freshwater. We want to be able to help our audience understand that if you’re not ready to heal from betrayal, it doesn’t mean that you’re bad or wrong. It means that there’s processing to do.
I’m thinking of a time when I was betrayed tremendously. Thank goodness I had a good support network around me and a good collective. I was doing some meditation, the loving-kindness meditation. As I had been instructed, because I was new to it, I was told that you first offer it to yourself, “May I be filled with love and kindness? May I be safe from inner and outer danger? May I be well in body, mind, and spirit? May I be truly happy and free?”
The directions of this ancient meditation were first to offer it to yourself, then to offer it to your loved ones, and then to offer it to those who had betrayed you or the person. The directions were very good because they said it’s okay if you cannot do it for the people who have betrayed you or a person. Stop. There will come a day when you’ll be able to offer that as a way of forgiving them.
I did it on my walks every morning for months. One day, I was able to offer that in full. I felt so much lightness and release. Often, the person who is betrayed is holding onto this weight of anger, resentment, and sadness and the other people are going on with their lives. They don’t even feel anything. You are carrying around this extra backpack of sadness, pain, resentment, grief, and all of that. This is probably cutting to a piece you’ll talk about later, but that piece of being able to let go of that weight, you can’t push it. You can’t say, “I forgive them,” if you’re not ready.
Forgiveness
People often think forgiveness means that you’re opening the door to having the betrayal happen again. You could have very strong boundaries. You can never let those people or that person into your life again and still forgive them. You release yourself from that pain OR that heavy load. What do you think of that?
The PBT Institute founded National Forgiveness Day around those concepts. It’s every September 1st. You mentioned carrying that weight. Those are the symptoms of post-betrayal syndrome. That’s what we carry when we’re walking around with this. We wind up numbing and medicating those symptoms. We stay in this very painful space.
You’re right. When it comes to forgiveness, it’s for us. It has nothing to do with the other person. Having said that, when we forgive too early, it backfires every time. When we’re forgiving because we’re in so much pain that we want this over with, no. I remember reading a study that said, “If you feel safe and valued and you forgive, you feel better. If you do not feel safe and valued and you forgive, you feel worse.”
When it comes to forgiveness, it’s for us. It has nothing to do with the other person. Share on XWhen I wrote Trust Again, I kicked it up a notch. I said, “Let’s exchange the word forgive for rebuild or reconcile,” because I believe we should forgive anyway for our sake. If you exchanged it, it would sound like this. If you feel safe and valued and you rebuild, you feel better. If you do not feel safe and valued and you rebuild, you feel worse. That’s true. When it comes to rebuilding or reconciling, that has so much to do with that other person. If they’re unwilling to do the work and unwilling to change, what are you signing up for again? Think about it.
That is a core piece of every relationship. I’m a firm believer in the fact that whether the relationship has 2, 3, 4, or however many people in that, you need all people to be willing to want to evolve, grow, and rebuild. If everyone’s not on board, it will be very precarious and often will repeat trauma after trauma.
I do not take the word trauma lightly. We often use, “I didn’t get the color of fingernail polish I wanted. I’m traumatized.” That’s an odd use of the word trauma. We really want to be able to look at it as a very significant impact on the body, the mind, and the spirit. Betrayal does that on all levels. In fact, many people, and I found this in my work, who are betrayed understand the emotional and mental components and often understand this spiritual component. If we have a connection to a divine, we feel like the divine has betrayed us and that the universe is not watching out for us and that sort of thing.
On the physical level, people can often walk into a room, a kitchen, or somewhere where they learned of the betrayal and the body remembers. It will remember that conversation at the kitchen counter, in the bedroom, or in the office. That is where the body is storing. It’s storing it in various areas, the gut and the heart. That connects back to the part where when you were giving us the statistics, it makes sense that sleep issues, GI issues, neck pain, back pain, and all sorts of things arise. Trauma is a big earthquake to the body, mind, and spirit.
Third Discovery: You Can Heal From All Of It
The good news is you can heal from all of it. That was the third discovery.
We’re ready.
The Stages Of Healing
While we can stay stuck for years, decades, or a lifetime, and so many people do, if we’re going to fully heal, and by fully heal, I mean those symptoms of post-betrayal syndrome that I shared, to this completely rebuilt place called post-betrayal transformation, we’re going to move through five proven, predictable stages. What’s even more exciting about that is we know what happens physically, mentally, and emotionally at every stage. We know what we need to do in order to move from one stage to the next. Healing is entirely predictable. I’m happy to share the stages.
Please do.
It’s all we do within the PBT Institute. It’s what all of our coaches are certified in. Here’s a distilled version. Stage one is before it happens. You can imagine 4 legs of a table and the 4 legs being physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. What I saw with everybody, including me, was this heavy lean on the physical and the mental, thinking and doing. We’re so good at that. We’re neglecting or ignoring the emotional, spiritual, feeling, and being. If a table only has two legs, it’s easy for that table to topple over. That’s us.
Stage two is shock and trauma on D-Day or Discovery Day. This is the scariest of all of the stages. Everybody remembers their D-Day because it made such an impact on us at that time. It’s the breakdown of the body, the mind, and the worldview. You’ve ignited this stress response. You are headed for every single stress-related symptom, illness, condition, and disease.
Your mind is in a complete state of chaos and overwhelm. You cannot wrap your mind around what you learned. You’re like, “This makes no sense.” It’s like the initial caller who said about their siblings. You are shocked. You’re like, “What? Your worldview has been shattered. Your worldview is your mental model, the rules that govern you that prevent chaos. “Trust this person,” or, “Don’t go there,” are the rules.
In one earth-shattering moment or series of moments, every rule you’ve been holding to be real and true is no longer. The bottom has bottomed out on you, and the new bottom hasn’t been formed yet. This is terrifying. Think about it. To the sense of safety and security you mentioned earlier, what would you do if the bottom were to bottom out on you? You’d grab hold of anything or anyone in order to stay safe and stay alive.
That’s stage three. Survival instincts emerge. This is the most practical out of all of the stages. You’re like, “If you can’t help me get out of my way, how do I survive this? Where do I go? Who can I trust?” This is the trap, though. Stage three, by far, is the most common place we get stuck. We talked about this earlier, that person who’s in that toxic soup.
We’re stuck here because once we’ve figured out how to survive our experience, because it feels so much better than the shock and trauma of where we came from, we think it’s good. Since we don’t know there’s anywhere else to go, we don’t know there’s a stage 4 or stage 5. Transformation doesn’t even begin until stage four, but we plant roots here because we don’t know there’s anywhere else to go. We’re not supposed to, but we don’t know that, and four things happen.
The first thing is we start getting all these small self-benefits. It’s a secondary gain. We get to be right. We get our story. We love our story. We get sympathy from everyone we tell our story to. It goes on and on. We get so many benefits. On some level, where we don’t feel we’re getting much else, we take it. We plant deeper roots. Since we’re here a while, the mind starts doing things like, “Maybe you’re not that great. Maybe you deserved it,” and maybe this and maybe that. We plant deeper roots. We’re not supposed to be here, but we don’t know.
Since these are the thoughts we’re thinking, this is the energy we’re putting out. Like energy attracts like energy. We’re attracting people, circumstances, and relationships to confirm this is where we belong. This is where we join that lame support group. We will sabotage our healing because we found our people. This is where we may be healing, and we will sabotage our healing because we’re afraid to outgrow that betrayer who won’t change. We then get all those symptoms of post-betrayal syndrome. We start medicating and suppressing the symptoms. It’s like, “This is where we’re at. It gets worse, but I’ll get you out of here.”
Since it feels so bad, but we don’t know there’s anywhere else to go, and we don’t like where we’re, we try to numb, avoid, and distract ourselves. Right here, we start using food, drugs, alcohol, work, TV, or whatever to nb, avoid, and distract yourselves. Think about it. We do it for a day, a week, or a month. It’s a habit. It may be 1 year, 10 years, or 20 years. I can see someone twenty years later and say, “That emotional eating you’re doing or that drinking, do you think that has anything to do with your betrayal?” They’d look at me like I’m crazy. They would say, “It happened twenty years ago.” All they did was put themselves in stage three and stay there.
Seal it. That goes back to the piece we were talking about earlier where it’s unaddressed. It’s put in this time capsule is how I look at it. In my books, I talk about this time capsule where you think you’ve come somewhere because you’re surviving, but the pain is sealed off. When we seal off the pain and the memories, and sometimes, the memories are still there, we’ve encapsulated around this armor. Thus, we’re preventing the growth.
Exactly. That’s why we think, “We’re good. We’re okay here.” If you notice, our health isn’t great, our relationships aren’t great, or our work isn’t great. We’re at a standstill. Willingness is a huge word right here. If we are willing to grieve more in the loss of a bunch of things, we move to stage four. Stage four is finding and adjusting to a new normal.
Here’s where you acknowledge, “I can’t undo what happened, but I control what I do with it.” The decision right there starts turning down the stress response. You’re not healing yet, but at least you stop the massive damage that had been going on in stages 2 and 3. Stage four is this feeling of hopeful excitement. It feels as if you’ve ever moved. If you’ve ever moved to a new house, office, or whatever, all your stuff isn’t there. It’s not quite cozy yet, but you’re like, “We can do this. We got this.” It feels like that.
There was something so interesting I noticed. There’s this one spot as we move from stage 3 to stage 4 where if your friends weren’t there for you, we don’t take them with you. That lame support group, you’re done. That betrayer who’s not changing, you’re done. Think about it. If you were to move to a new place, you don’t take everything with you. You don’t take those things that don’t represent the version of you you’re ready to become. It’s common to outgrow certain friendships and relationships in this one spot.
When we’ve settled into this new space, we’ve made it cozy, and we’ve made it mentally a home, we move into the fifth most beautiful stage. This is healing, rebirth, and a new worldview. The body starts to heal. There is self-love, self-care, eating well, and exercise. We didn’t have the bandwidth for that earlier. We were healing. Now, we do.
The mind is healing. There are new rules and boundaries based on the road we travel and a new worldview based on everything we see clearly. The four legs of the table, in the beginning, were all about the physical and the mental. By this point, we’re solidly grounded because we’re focused on the emotional and the spiritual, too. Those are the five stages.
It’s a beautiful template. I love how you’ve laid it out so clearly that we can follow how you can move through, and I really think you’ll be healed by the time you’re at stage three. I am a big fan of support groups and well-run support groups, but sometimes, we mistake a support group for a place where we are patting each other on the back, consoling each other, and validating where we are. We often want to move beyond that space into freedom, whether it be emotional freedom, mental freedom, or physical freedom.
As much as it can be important to be a part of that tribe, that tribe of people who have been betrayed, we do want to have the energy to move beyond that label into a place where we were betrayed, but we don’t identify with it as strongly. It’s not our way of being anymore. We’re in that post-betrayal group, that group of, “I’m an amazing individual. I have solid boundaries. I don’t deserve to be betrayed. I’m going to draw relationships to me where there is respect, compassion, empathy, integrity, and all of those things. If you’re not part of that tribe, I have a nice boundary around that.”
With that growth-oriented mentality, the growth begins to carry us forward instead of the pain carrying us forward. We have used that betrayal as a means. It’s like that grain of sand inside the oyster where the grain of sand allows us to grow and coat not just in a purely protective way but in a beautiful transformative way that allows us to come out the other side truly transformed. I love the way you offer the stages. It’s beautiful.
Thank you so much. What’s so exciting about it is that there’s a roadmap. You simply have to know where you are, and then it’s the steps to move forward. We even have this beautiful, along with our signature program within the community, milestones and markers. Members get such a thrill out of checking off, “I did that.” There is this sense of accomplishment and completion as they fully and truly leave a stage and they’re ready for the next.
There’s a roadmap to healing. You simply have to know where you are and the steps to move forward. Share on XIt’s beautiful and necessary not just for the person who was betrayed, but for anyone you’re in contact with, like your kids, whether they’re little or adult kiddos. It’s for people in your world to see you as a role model of someone who didn’t get ruined and didn’t become jaded because of betrayal. Let’s take it back to our reader’s question of the day, the one whose family or sister and brother betrayed her for money. It sounds like there maybe wasn’t much of it, but whatever it was, would you have any specific tips or pointers for her? She sounds very lonely and bereft. I don’t know if she has a partner or kiddos. Do you have any specific thoughts for her to guide her in her healing journey other than looking at your website?
It’s Not About You
Sure. First of all, this is a mantra you want to repeat a million times if you need to. Even though it happened to you, it’s not about you. That’s so important to realize that this isn’t about you. Unfortunately, we’re not in control of other people’s behavior. What you want to do is look at it and use it to your advantage. Acknowledge that pain. It is so deeply painful.
Realize that people are acting from their current place of consciousness and this is the best they thought they could do at the time. If and when sometime in the future they decide to change, they will. If not, don’t let that impact your healing. You heal so that you move through that pain and you don’t think, “This is me.” It is so deeply painful, though, but it’s not you.
When it came to my family, and this is going to sound so odd, but it will help, it was example after example of consistent behavior. I always had lots of dogs. We had six at one time. I remember looking at all of them and saying, “I love them dearly, but they’re dogs. I never expect them to act anything other than dogs. That’s who they are. Why am I expecting people who have consistently shown a certain behavior to act differently? That’s on me.” There was something about that that was, in such a silly way, so freeing and liberating. To this wonderful person who is struggling so deeply, I send my heart and my love. I get it, but it’s not about you.
I imagine that if she looks back, she will see indicators. Hindsight is always so much easier for all of us because when we’re in it, we often miss the red flags. We often miss the money-hungry plotting partner, sibling, or whatever it is.
I’d love to add to that, too. People always get so angry, like, “How did I not see? How did I not know?” I would recommend they reframe that. You couldn’t see and couldn’t know because you don’t know how to think that way. That’s a good thing.
I am a firm believer that manipulators and predators are doing it as a way of life. For someone who’s not good at it, they wouldn’t know to be looking for it because they’re entering the world thinking, “I’m honesty-based and trust-based. Everyone else plays by those rules. Why wouldn’t they?” The manipulator and predator would be like, “You should be smarter. You should have caught onto it.”
If you haven’t raised yourself to be a manipulative, disingenuous person and don’t want to be that way, even if you want to be that way in the world, it generally can’t be cultivated. You can’t make yourself from a kind, trusting individual, or you wouldn’t want to have to adjust that kind, gentle nature into something that you’re not, simply to ward off the manipulators and predators out there.
It’s more about learning to be aware of the red flag behaviors, which is one of the sad benefits of having been betrayed. You can recognize that particular bird call where you’re like, “I can identify it. That’s what I’m dealing with,” and not second-guess yourself and think, “It’s not about this person. It’s not her. It is the dogs in the family being the dogs.” That’s unkind to our pet dogs because we love our pet dogs, but sometimes, the people who are betrayers are in that category. Thank you. I appreciate all of your wisdom and your support for our audience. Where can our audience find you?
Thank you. Everything is at ThePBTInstitute.com. It’s PBT, as in Post Betrayal Transformation.
It’s Dr. Debi Silber at ThePBTInstitute.com. It’s a great website. Thanks again for sharing your time and wisdom with us. I’m so grateful. Thank you to our audience. This is the show.
Important Links
- Dr. Debi Silber
- Post Betrayal Syndrome Quiz
- The Joy of Imperfect Love
- Trust Again
- https://ThePBTInstitute.com/Podcast
- https://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=iyqOR69dHiU
- https://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=XX30i6nC7ro
- Website: https://www.DrCarlaManly.com
- Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/DrCarlaManly
- Twitter: https://www.Twitter.com/DrCarlaManly
- Facebook: https://www.Facebook.com/DrCarlaManly
- LinkedIn: https://www.LinkedIn.com/in/Carla-Marie-Manly-8682362b
- YouTube: https://www.YouTube.com/@Dr.CarlaMarieManly8543
- TikTok: https://www.TikTok.com/@Dr_Carla_Manly
About Dr. Debi Silber
Dr. Debi Silber is the founder of the PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute and is a holistic psychologist, a health, mindset and personal development expert, and is a 2-time #1 International bestselling author. Her podcast: From Betrayal to Breakthrough is also globally ranked within the top 1.5% of podcasts. Her recent PhD study on how we experience betrayal made 3 groundbreaking discoveries that changes how long it takes to heal.
In addition to being on FOX, CBS, The Dr. Oz Show, TEDx (twice) and more, she’s an award-winning speaker and coach dedicated to helping people move past their betrayals as well as any other blocks preventing them from the health, work, relationships, confidence, and happiness they want most. Dr. Debi is also the founder of National Forgiveness Day, celebrated annually on September 1st.