Frazzled? Unfocused? Emotionally dysregulated? Although we want to be stable and caring partners, parents, employees, bosses, and friends, it’s easy to get stuck in unproductive patterns and erratic behaviors that seem beyond our control. And despite our inborn capacities and environmental influences, we expect ourselves to naturally have excellent focus, time management skills, and emotional intelligence. Yet, in truth, human issues–including neurodiversity and environmental influences–can make it tough (or seemingly impossible) to handle life’s myriad tasks and stressors with ease. In fact, most of us can benefit from support and guidance to learn the skills and strategies that will help us get out of our own way and maximize our capacities. 

Join Dr. Carla and neurodiversity expert Dr. Gretchen Pound for an uplifting journey into the art of using self-awareness to create a happier and healthier life. Topics discussed include focus, impulsivity, emotional regulation, anger management, self-awareness, mindfulness, stress tolerance, time management, self-confidence, emotional regulation, neurodiversity, ADHD, ASD (autism spectrum disorders), yoga, somatic awareness, breathing exercises, and mindfulness. Note: Listener discretion is advised as sensitive topics are discussed.

 

Books by Dr. Carla Manly:

Joy from Fear: https://www.amazon.com/Joy-Fear-Carla-Marie-Manly/dp/1641701218

Date Smart: https://www.amazon.com/Date-Smart-Transform-Relationships-Fearlessly/dp/1641704675

Aging Joyfully: https://www.amazon.com/Aging-Joyfully-Optimal-Relationships-Fulfillment/dp/1641701412

The Joy of Imperfect Love: https://www.amazon.com/Joy-Imperfect-Love-Creating-Relationships/dp/1641709057

 

Oracle decks by Dr. Carla Manly:

Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1757477615/imperfect-love-reflection-oracle-cards  

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Imperfect-Love-Reflection-Oracle-Cards/dp/B0D1Z5M4YK

 

Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:

Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly

Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/drcarlamanly

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drcarlamanly

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr.carlamariemanly8543

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_carla_manly

 

Connect with Dr. Gretchen Pound:

Website: https://www.healthierlifecoaching.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr._gretchen

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/gretchen.pound

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/gretchen-pound-ph-d-7220baa

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Watch the episode here

 

Listen to the podcast here

 

Increase Confidence, Focus, and Emotional Regulation with Life Optimization & Neurodiversity Expert Dr. Gretchen Pound

Create a Happier and Healthier Life by Embracing the Art of Self-Awareness!

Introduction

Frazzled? Unfocused? Emotionally dysregulated? Although we want to be terrific, stable partners, parents, employees, bosses, and friends, it’s easy to get stuck in unproductive patterns and erratic behaviors that seem beyond our control. Despite our inborn capacities and environmental influences, we often expect to be naturally focused, have excellent time management skills, and have high emotional intelligence. Yet, in truth, human issues, including neurodiversity, can make it tough, or seemingly impossible, to handle life’s myriad tasks and stressors with ease. In fact, most of us can benefit from support and guidance to learn the skills and strategies that will help us get out of our own way and maximize our capacities.

We’ll focus on this real-life question, “I’m 41 and was never officially diagnosed, but I think I have a mixture of ADD and high-functioning autism. I’m not on any meds and don’t want to be. I’ve never had a great ability to focus, but it’s getting worse. I can get angry and frustrated easily. My partner says I’m getting more reactive and wants some tips. Can you help?” With that question as the focus of this episode, I’m Dr. Carla Marie Manley, and this is Imperfect Love.

 

 

I’m joined by a wonderful guest, Dr. Gretchen Pound, who will be sharing her expertise on neurodiversity, life coaching, and personal optimization. Welcome to the show, Dr. Pound. How are you?

I’m doing great. Thank you for inviting me to your show. It’s a pleasure to be here.

It’s a pleasure to have you with us. Before we launch into the topic of the day, the question, could you tell our readers just a little bit about what makes you, you?

I grew up in a time when neurodivergence was not a thing. Nobody talked about it. It wasn’t in our wheelhouse of diagnoses. I struggled, as many neurodiverse people do, especially being a girl, because my symptoms are very different from what a boy’s symptoms would be. There was a lot of stigma placed on me and misunderstandings. I took my experiences and have learned a lot.

Being neurodiverse myself, my kids and my husband are neurodiverse, I took the opportunity to learn as much as I can about how the brain works, how behaviors manifest, and how there’s an intersection between mental health and mental illness with neurodiversity. That’s where I come from and how I’ve come to this work in specializing and helping as many people as I can who think differently.

Gender Differences

Thank you for that really lovely background and coming to the show into your work through a highly personal lens about your own experience. I’m already formulating questions as you were talking. My first, that’s just come up, is you’re talking about gender differences. How does neurodiversity express itself differently depending on your gender?

First off, the way psychologists and therapists are trained to diagnose ADHD, the criteria are all based on boys. Yes, it manifests differently for girls, and they don’t look the same. Girls, really, we have seen that they can mask, meaning they can hide their symptoms because they may not have that impulsivity, or they may have impulsivity. It just manifests differently. For me, I was a talker in class. I constantly interrupted the teacher, talked to my friends, and got out of my seat. That didn’t really get me in trouble enough to get to the principal’s office to get me on the radar. I was just a talker.

That’s how girls are. They talk a lot. Where my counterpoint friend, who’s a boy, might be punching somebody and causing harm to others. That would get him sent to the principal’s office. Boys tend to be maybe a little more aggressive or physical when they’re impulsive. Those behaviors get them on the radar of teachers, principals, and so on and so forth. They get recognized and oftentimes get diagnosed, whereas girls just fly under the radar. They learn, like, “I want to be the good girl. I don’t want to be the talker.” They find other ways to mask their behaviors. They fly under the radar sometimes to their adults, like we’re finding out that lots of women are being diagnosed.

Yes. I’m seeing that in my practice, too, where, again, when we look at the gender differences, it’s normal for a guy, almost, we’ve normalized to be more physical, to be more impulsive. That’s just a boy being a boy. A girl, you, a female, you really end up channeling that extra energy or that lack of focus into maybe in school, you see it as extracurricular activities, or as you say, being more talkative, or being the one who really wants to help and please and help others. You’re channeling it in socially acceptable ways that, in the short-term and long-term can, for both, no matter your gender, can really have some lasting negative consequences. Thank you for exploring that with us. What are some of the other differences that you see in how gender plays a part in neurodiversity as a whole?

The other, like emotionally, I think we could go there because women who are neurodivergent oftentimes will have a bigger reaction emotionally to something. Boys also may have a bigger reaction, their reaction, like you alluded to, is anger or outbursts. Therefore, again, anger is an acceptable emotion, whether you’re a girl or a boy. Girls get identified as emotional and misdiagnosed oftentimes with other diagnoses because their emotions do feel intense, or maybe they can’t hold their emotions in as well as other people might be able to. I feel like that’s a big difference between girls and boys in the emotional realm.

That makes perfect sense. As you said, anger is a healthy emotion. It’s an emotion we all want to embrace. It’s how we use our anger, whether we’re being regulated with it and careful with it, or whether we’re exploding onto other people, and yet, in our culture, males tend to be allowed that emotion. They tend to be allowed to be big, angry, and aggressive. Whereas somebody who identifies as female is like, “If you are showing anger, you are bad, you are not being assertive, you are being aggressive, or you’re being a horrible person, you’re not good anymore.”

We can see for all of us, but particularly those who are neurodivergent, it’s quite a tightrope to be able to hold all of this together and be this ideal human being when it’s like this tea kettle that has all of this emotion inside boiling around, and it wants to find a place, it’s going to pour out. For those who are neurodivergent, it can often express itself in pretty unhealthy ways, can’t it?

It can. Neurologically and physically, we know that in some situations, neurodivergent people’s amygdala, where our emotions are, is a little bigger, they’re a little bigger. I always tell my neurodivergent clients, because your brain, your amygdala may be a little bigger, you’re going to have bigger emotions. That’s why the emotions feel so big, and it’s harder. When you have difficulty regulating emotions and you have difficulty with stress tolerance, it’s because those are part of our executive functioning skills, and you have this big amygdala. It’s like having a race car with these little bicycle brakes. You’re just not equipped to handle it.

If your brain is a little bigger, you’re going to have bigger emotions. Share on X

Absolutely. When we think about the amygdala, the little almond-shaped pieces in the brain that are the emotional centers, some people call them the fear centers. When we are in a state of stress or especially in fight-or-flight mode, that prefrontal cortex is not necessarily in control. It is the fear center of the brain that is trying to keep us alive. We may do things that feel very erratic and look very erratic and nonsensical because we don’t yet have the skills. This is where we’re turning to you to help us understand what’s happening physiologically and neurobiologically behind the scenes and that you can accrue skills. You don’t have to be at the mercy of emotional dysregulation. All of the emotions are good.

Emotional Regulation Skills

It’s just that we want to learn how to make those brakes on the car a little bigger. We can’t change the size of the amygdala; each one’s going to be there doing its thing, but we can learn strategies to help us improve our ability to put the brakes on sooner, maybe get in bigger brakes. Let’s talk about that a little bit. I know we have so much more foundational work to do, but it seems like right now is a great opportunity to look at some of those skills for emotional regulation.

I teach a lot of breath work, following the breath. I’m also trained as a yoga teacher. I use a lot of yoga breath and body awareness. I study somatic IFS, which is a body-centered way of connecting to your body and connecting to your emotions because I feel like having this awareness about your body and your mind will allow you to make the decision as to how you want to respond, rather than, like you were saying, where the emotion starts running the show. It’s giving you some power back to feel what’s happening in your body, which then, I’ll tell you a lot of times, shows how you’re feeling.

 

 

If you’re feeling a lot of heat in your body, you might start recognizing that heat as the anger that’s bubbling up. If you’re feeling tightness in your muscles, that is like a cue, like, oh yeah, maybe I’m really stressed or anxious. Our body can give us a lot of information. I’m a big mind-body person, and I help people make those connections.

Thank you for that lovely background. We have something in common. I’m also a yoga teacher and yoga practitioner student and love incorporating mindfulness, breath work, and somatic practices into my work. For the readers saying, “This is airy-fairy. I don’t want to pay attention to this,” they might not realize that we have been trained as a society to ignore that body-mind-spirit connection, which is, in truth, a huge part of who we are. We can’t divorce our brains from our bodies and our psyches from our bodies; they are all a part of the power of the body. In fact, I was working with a client yesterday, and we just simply paused to take a deep breath in and a deep breath out and do some co-regulation.

When we do that and teach that as a normal part, you don’t have to be a yoga practitioner, you don’t have to meditate. You can just take advantage of your body’s natural need to breathe and use that deep inhalation and deep exhalation to down-regulate your nervous system. When we down-regulate the nervous system, you can tell us, Dr. Pound, it makes the prefrontal cortex, that rational brain, actually work so much better because we’re no longer in that stress state.

I love that you brought that out. Could you give our readers an example of a breathing technique that would? I also love breathing techniques because they’re portable. You can do them in the kitchen, at your desk, on an airplane, in the airport, on the bus, or in the middle of a shopping mall when the kids are having a temper tantrum. You can take them anywhere, and they’re free.

They’re free, exactly. The number one breathing technique that I teach is called three-part breath. It’s taking one breath, but you’re bringing it in in three separate parts. Sometimes, I will create a visual with it, where I’ll have them visualize the breath coming into their lungs. The first part of the breath, so the first inhalation, they’re seeing the breath coming in. The second inhalation is coming into the middle part of their lungs. The third inhalation, it’s like it’s at the top and there’s no more air that can get in. I will say, “Just hold it for three.”

Three isn’t the number. You don’t have to remember any other number but three. You’re inhaling for three, holding it for three. The exhale is three, but then I really stress that the exhale is what activates our parasympathetic nervous system and gets us out of our sympathetic. I really want that exhale to be slow, controlled, and long. I’ll say, before you take the next inhale, I want you to count to three again. I’ll just explain that when we’re in a fight-or-flight mode or in our sympathetic state, we tend to breathe really shallowly from our chest. It’s so important to slow down and really pay attention to the belly rising and the air coming, the breath or prana coming from the belly and not from the upper chest.

I feel like it’s an easy one. You can do it anywhere. People tend to really like it, and it’s very effective.

Thank you. That’s so easy to follow. I’m going to mirror it back for our readers. I want you to correct me if I get anything wrong. We really focus on the belly. We breathe in starting, feeling it coming from the lungs, then up to the chest, and then through the neck, hold for three, and then do the reverse, releasing from the neck, releasing from the chest, releasing from the upper abdomen. Repeating that for as many times as feels healthy and safe. Readers, I hope you could feel that beautiful energy, that quietness that happens, whether you’re neurodivergent or not. Tools like this, we often underestimate the power of something so simple.

It’s not a medication. It is a natural medication. It’s not a pharmaceutical, but it’s a natural medication for the self because we are naturally reducing the neurochemicals of stress. We’re telling the body, “I don’t have to react. I’m safe.” Here’s a cool piece that I just love. When I do any breath work with someone, or if I’m working with a couple or a group, you can see the other person, or the person that you’re working with, getting more relaxed. They’re taking a deeper breath.

You can watch the position change. There’s just almost the sense of calm. When I see parents do it in front of a kid, no matter how old that little kiddo is, that kiddo is noticing and going, “I can do that.” Often, the little ones unconsciously co-regulate with the parent. It’s just, “I see Mommy taking a deep breath in and a deep breath out.”

You see the little baby belly get big, deep breath in and deep breath out. It’s a fabulous tool that you’re giving us because all too often, let’s go back to the question, this person who’s getting reactive and the partner saying, “You’re getting more reactive.” This breathing technique could stop that emotional reactivity in its tracks, could it not?

Yes, absolutely. I do believe it can.

When we see that happening, let’s say somebody is getting really hot and bothered because somebody’s coming in and they’re in the middle of a project or things aren’t going the way they want. I think this individual spoke about getting frustrated and angry, frustrated and angry. You can see that that stress response gets interrupted by the breathing. You can’t be stressed and taking deep breaths at the same time. They’re just not going to happen. It’s not possible. Would you agree with that?

Yes, absolutely. What I find is that when people are stressed, they are breathing from their chest. They’re not breathing from their belly. They’re not really getting that good oxygen to their brain. They’re feeling like they can’t breathe, even sometimes. That increases their anxiety, and they might even experience a panic attack because the stress response slows the breathing down so you can run a really far distance. It wants you to be able to outrun whatever thing is chasing you. It is a physical response that happens naturally. Sometimes, people can’t take deep breaths because they might be in a panic. I always have them ground themselves, meaning feeling their feet on the floor, touching something that’s very solid so that they can really get back into their body again.

Thank you for bringing up the piece about panic because it’s becoming increasingly common for people’s anxiety to even bypass the anxious state and go straight to panic before they even realize what has happened. I once heard, and I completely believe in this, that sometimes the fear of having another panic attack can actually trigger another panic attack because it’s so awful. It’s so difficult to see that it will ever pass, that just being afraid of it can cause one to happen.

Let’s pause for a minute when you’re talking about grounding strategies. For people who are neurodivergent and for people who aren’t, grounding strategies, as you were saying, include feeling your feet on the ground, putting your hands on a wall, taking a ball, a little stress ball, and bouncing it back and forth. Even if you’re in a place where you can do it, lying on the ground to feel that cool surface under you.

I’m big on cool surfaces because those do seem to have a very good effect, a great impact on disrupting those panic cycles. We can see that maybe if you’re in your office and you’re feeling super stressed, maybe you don’t feel like you can lie down on the floor, but you can go to the bathroom, put your hands on the cool tile wall, put your forehead on that cool tile wall, and feel, as you’re saying, grounding as though you’re back in touch with the earth.

That’s right.

Two great strategies. Thank you for that. Let’s move into, I remember, and you’re a somatic practitioner, so I imagine you have something to say about this. This is not my idea. I’ve heard it from very advanced practitioners who say that often because we’re in a society where we learn to keep our stomach tight because we want that flat figure, and we want, no matter our gender, we are really trained to hold the stomach in. We’re working against our natural way of being where that belly wants to float in and out.

The price we pay in some realms is that it does force us into more shallow breathing. All because, for people who are working on this, they may have to get used to having their hand on their belly to actually feel that it can go in, and that’s okay, that’s normal, that’s natural, just like a baby. Babies aren’t worried about how flat their bellies are, and so you watch those little bellies rise and fall. I think that’s another piece of that to keep an eye on. You may want your hand on your belly as you feel it go up and down, and I encourage that because it is healthy.

Yes, I agree. Sometimes, one hand is on your heart, one hand on your belly, your chest is rising, your belly is rising, and it can be very soothing to the body to just feel that rhythm of the breath coming up and feeling it going down. If you’re lying down, you can even put a pillow or something on your belly, and you can watch it rise and watch it fall. Those things can also be very soothing to the system.

Thank you for that as well, and readers, you can’t see Dr. Pound’s hands. She’s making them float upward and float downward. If you can imagine that float up and flow down, or actually allow yourself the opportunity, if you can’t have that pillow there, to watch that flow. It is just watching the visual of you with your hands. It’s that, again, you’re interrupting. The brain has something else to focus on. The mind has something else to focus on. You’re not focusing on the panic any longer or the anxiety any longer. You’re focusing on your natural rhythm. You’re focusing on the rise and the fall, and I agree with you, one hand on heart, one hand on belly.

Focus

That can feel almost as if somebody’s giving you a hug. You are reassuring yourself. One hand at the heart center and one hand on the belly is one of the most beautiful ways to gently reassure yourself and calm yourself. Thank you for that. Let’s go to the focus. In this increasingly online world, where our attention is being pulled in so many directions, it seems most people believe in, “I should be multitasking,” and I’m an anti-multitasker.

I know that if I’m not fully focused on the thing at hand and I’m trying to do 2 or 3 things, I’m not doing any of them well. Yet society pushes us to make dinner, listen to the latest podcast, answer work emails, tend to the kids, and stock the groceries all at the same time after a long workday. What do you say about focus and how the world actually makes it tougher for all of us, but particularly neurodivergent people?

There’s one thing I wanted to say about that. For some ADHD folks or people who are neurodivergent can focus better having sounds, like listening to music, or might be doing homework and listening to music at the same time, and maybe even watching YouTube. That stimulation is enough for their brain to be able to focus. I want to just say that to parents to trust your children because our kids know what helps them. It may seem like a horrible idea to us, but I do know that for some kids, that’s how they can do their homework best. If they’re listening, maybe to their music, or they have something on their phone, even though phones can be a big distraction, they can also be helpful. I just wanted to say that.

Let’s pause there. I 100% agree with you, and I don’t see it just in kids. I see it in adults. If I’m working, I need pretty much complete quiet for me to focus, but I know many adults who want music in the background. They want rap, they want opera, they want piano, they want whatever it is, and it works for them. They can’t work in my kind of silence.

It’s the same for kids. Some do their best in silence or nearly complete silence. Others can have a circus going on in the background, and it is how they do their best. We want to pay attention, and as you say, if somebody’s using a phone and they’re using it for research, well, of course. We are not limited to one set of encyclopedias on a library wall anymore. The kids and adults use phones for research. That’s important to know, which I see as different from multitasking.

I see that as seeing how your individual needs are, either honoring them or not. If you need music, it’s there, it’s helping you. If you don’t need music, there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s just that you work better in silence. When we understand our differences and honor them, we begin befriending our natural set point rather than fighting it. What do you think of that?

 

 

Right, and I think we know naturally what helps us and what works for us, and that we just need to trust that we do know what helps us to focus and what helps us to stay on task and just allow ourselves to use those things to help us. They can also be a distraction as well. There’s even with the fidgets, we know that putting something in your hands, a squeeze ball or something that you’re spinning can be very soothing. It can help with many different sensory issues when your sensory system may be dysregulated, but it can also be a distraction.

It can also distract you away from focusing right or listening, as well as, like I was saying, the phone. We are so connected to our phones, they make all kinds of sounds. When we get a phone call or text message, it’s beeping, and it can be very distracting. It can pull us, you know, going back to multitasking. It can pull us away from, you know, the thing that we were engaged in or just our minds too. When you’re ADHD, it’s like you are doing one thing, and all of a sudden, your brain sees something over here and it’s like, “I got to do that thing, and I need to do this,” and before you know it, you’re engaged in multitasking and many tasks. I always just say that when you notice your brain is pulling you in different directions, you focus on the thing you started or the intention you set for that task.

When you notice your brain is pulling you in different directions, that's when you should focus on the thing you started or the intention you set for that task. Share on X

Thank you again for bringing that up. I call it the butterfly effect because butterflies go from flower to flower and I can be very much like that. One of my coping strategies is if I’m outside and I’m gardening, it’s a perfect time to be a butterfly. I can go here, there, wherever. It doesn’t really matter in the end. If I’m doing something in my office, all distractions off, phones off, everything is off, and we have to clear that space. I even get distracted if there’s something on my desk that is out of place.

We don’t want to call ourselves abnormal, we just want to say, “These are my needs. If this is how some people work best, with a really crazily cluttered desk, okay, I couldn’t do it, but for them, that feels comforting.” I’m hearing you say that rather than labeling it as good or bad, notice what works for you and do more of it. Notice what distracts you and do less of it. Don’t judge it. Just realize this is calling me off in a direction. If I keep getting called to my phone, I’ll maybe leave it in the hallway, the bathroom, or my office drawer so that we are learning to partner with our minds, brains, and nervous systems rather than fighting it.

Yes, I think accepting is such a big term here because if we can accept how we are, then we can notice things without judgment when they happen, and we then have the power to change them.

If we can accept how we are, we can observe things happening without judgment. We then have the power to change them. Share on X

I appreciate that. I think acceptance is such a key piece, and before we even get to the acceptance, which is so huge, the self-awareness we were talking about, so much of what you’ve been describing is, and readers, we’re going to put our radar up on this one. When we become aware of our patterns, not judging them because so many of us grew up being judged by parents or teachers for acting out or not doing this right, not doing that right, and we don’t want to do that to ourselves. We’re in a backup and become aware. 

When do we lose focus? Do we lose focus more in the morning? Do we lose focus more after lunch? Do we lose focus more in the evening? What makes us lose focus? Are we less focused after we’ve been on social media? Do we tend to go down a rabbit hole? Just noticing our patterns and, again, moving into those, keeping a little log of them so that you can see what’s working for you and go, oh, I want more of this in my life. I want more structure. I want less structure. I think that awareness sounds like a really key part of your approach.

Absolutely. I have a saying. Change happens within the awareness.

I like that because we can’t change without awareness. We can’t change. Life might change us, but we can’t mindfully change unless we’re aware. I remember this makes me think of this. I was relearning to ride a motorcycle, and I wasn’t sufficiently aware of my surroundings. I kept having the same issue, and when I learned not to try to go so fast but actually slow down so that I became more skilled in the rudimentary pieces, it was a real game changer.

I think that that’s the part, it’s the awareness of, “Where am I leaning too much or leaning too little or throttling too much?” When it’s the awareness, sometimes we’re so excited to get far ahead or we’re so excited to prove ourselves to other people or prove ourselves to ourselves that we forget this isn’t about other people.

This isn’t about work performance, mom performance, dad performance, partner performance. This is about me learning, and sometimes we learn ourselves. Just as we learn ourselves, something in our life or our environment changes, so we’re like, “Now I need to adjust again. That’s the interplay you’re talking about, as I hear you saying that we want to be accepting, but we also want to be able to pivot when we need to. That’s a big piece of it. Is that accurate?

Yes, that is accurate.

Improving Focus

What are some tips for helping our readers? They grow the awareness they want to change. They want to be able to focus more, to be able to accomplish more. That’s not this butterfly pattern of buzzing about and accomplishing 50 things halfway done. What are your tips for actually creating the healthy shifts?

Creating a routine can be helpful. Doing things at the same time every day can help create change. Becoming a better planner, chunking things down into smaller tasks, so in looking at the big picture and getting overwhelmed and feeling like you’re not doing anything or you can’t do anything, it’s almost like you’re paralyzed or stuck, people will say. I help people chunk their tasks down, chunk the bigger picture, like let’s take the bigger picture and make it into a task that you can do today, maybe tomorrow, and the next day. It’s taking really big concepts and bringing them down to workable tasks they feel confident in or can complete and do.

That sounds lovely, and I can hear some readers possibly saying, “This sounds really great, but I can’t even focus enough to figure out what those are.” I have this macro goal, this goal I want to accomplish, but sitting still long enough to plan these little micro goals that will allow me to get to that macro goal? That’s beyond me, because by the time I write down the macro goal, my brain’s on to something else. What would you say to the person who is that unfocused, which is a common theme?

They might chunk their focus time into smaller pieces, so if they know they can only focus for ten minutes, then I would have them focus for ten minutes and then go do something else. I always say it’s better to do ten minutes of something rather than zero minutes of something, nothing. I help people chunk their time down. If they only have five minutes, then focus for five minutes and see what happens, and they can go do something else, maybe do some jumping jacks, moving the body in a way. I have a great breathing technique that helps for focus. It’s called alternate nostril breathing. That can be helpful for focus, but we all have a set focus time, and it’s good to know what that is.

It's better to do 10 minutes of something rather than zero minutes of nothing. Share on X

I like how you made it so achievable. If you start with 5 or 10 minutes, sometimes if you don’t put the bar too high, you get through to that five minutes and you’re already at 15 or even 20. Not making it too big, and I imagine for a lot of our readers, they also might not like routine. They might balk at the idea of routine. When I run into clients like that, they’re like, “No, I want to be free. I don’t want routine.” I really work with them to understand that routine is freedom because when you create that structure, when you get away from the idea that mom or dad is telling me to do this.

Often, that’s why we balk at routine. Somebody, some caregiver, some teacher, some coach, or someone puts us in a vice, so we equate routine with a lack of independence and autonomy. Where I really see that routine, even though sometimes I fight it, the more I keep with my routine, the more productive I am because I created it, I said it, and I have the right to change it. If we look at that through that framework, routine becomes much more friendly, doesn’t it? It doesn’t become a jail cell. It doesn’t become immobilizing. It gives us the freedom to accomplish in the most optimized way. What do you think about that?

Routine helps us to know what’s coming next. It helps our system and our body to have some predictability. We’re going to eat at the same time every day. Biologically and physiologically, that helps our digestion. It helps our body secrete the right chemicals it needs to secrete. When we have a bedtime routine, our melatonin will start to just naturally release. That’s why routines can also be super helpful for us, not just divergent people, but for, I think, all people.

Final Thoughts

I agree 100%. When we take it back to the question, do you have any final thoughts that might help this individual? We’ve covered a lot on emotional reactivity, and we’ve covered a lot on focus. This person does not want medication, and I know you come from a non-pharmacological approach. Readers, we’re not saying medications are bad. We are saying there are ways that, for some people, work when you don’t want to use medications. Could you talk about that a little bit as we wind up?

Just learning about yourself, learning about what your strengths are, and continuing to hone in on those strengths, and also to embrace your weaknesses and understand that you’re not perfect, nobody’s perfect, and be honest with people if you’re struggling in the area. If you know that you are just having a hard time at work or at school, be honest, talk about it. That can definitely help the stigma go away, and it will help you to gain that autonomy and acceptance of yourself.

It could help someone else, too, who may be afraid to talk about their struggles. It could help them to open up and feel comfortable either speaking with you, a boss, a teacher, somebody, or maybe a coach or a mental health provider. I feel like keeping it in is not healthy, and I’m just encouraging everybody to be a little vulnerable and talk about their struggles so they can get help and accommodations if they need them.

What a beautiful way to wrap things up, because it is true, when we’re vulnerable and we share our challenges, when we normalize them, not only are we modeling for other people that it’s good to talk about these things, not to make excuses for our behavior, but to say, “Hey, this is where I’m struggling. This is where I could use a little support.” Allowing other people to join with us, who might say, “I struggle with the same thing. This is what works for me,” or “My kiddo struggles,” or “My partner struggles.”

We feel better because we don’t feel broken. We realize we are imperfect as we are, all imperfect in different ways. It makes us so cool, beautiful and unique. Once we start having the conversations, then we can see that, “Maybe I can adapt in this way. Maybe this would work.” Others are watching us and saying, “I see that person with their head on the forehead on the bathroom wall. What are they doing? That’s my tool for when I feel stressed or anxious or overwhelmed.”

Maybe I should walk into the bathroom, then and not have to go to the bathroom, to see a whole line of people standing with their heads against the wall and their arms pressed to the cool surface so that they could take a time out. Wouldn’t that be a lovely vision, seeing people use their bodies, use their natural resources to self-soothe, to calm down, and just display their nifty humanness?

I agree.

Dr. Pound, it has been such a delight to share time with you. Where can our readers find you?

You can find me on my web page at HealthierLifeCoaching.com, or Instagram is @Dr._Gretchen. I’m also on LinkedIn and Facebook.

Wonderful. There you have it, readers, Dr. Gretchen Pound. Dr. Pound, thanks again for joining us. It’s been such a privilege.

Thank you so much. I really enjoyed talking and speaking with you and answering your questions. I hope that your readers have learned something and they can be good about their differences.

Absolutely. I think you’ve given us all some tools to put in our little toolkits here and a lot more than tools. Thank you. To our readers, thank you for joining us. I so appreciate you.

 

Important Links

• Dr. Gretchen Pound
• https://www.HealthierLifeCoaching.com/about
• www.HealthierLifeCoaching.com/blog
• @Dr._Gretchen – Instagram
• www.Nami.org
• https://HelplineFAQs.nami.org/article/439-i-want-to-learn-more-about-getting-an-evaluation-for-attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd-or-autism-spectrum-disorder-asd-where-do-i-start 
• Website: https://www.DrCarlaManly.com
• Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/drcarlamanly
• Twitter: https://www.Twitter.com/drcarlamanly
• Facebook: https://www.Facebook.com/drcarlamanly
• LinkedIn: https://www.LinkedIn.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b
• Youtube: https://www.YouTube.com/@dr.carlamariemanly8543
• TikTok: https://www.TikTok.com/@dr_carla_manly

 

About Gretchen Pound

Dr. Gretchen Pound is the founder of Healthier Life Coaching. Working from a life optimization standpoint, she empowers her clients–many who are on the spectrum of neurodiversity–to build a happier and healthier lives.

After working with symptomatic adults 18 and older for 23 years, she realized that neurodiverse individuals have a lot to offer employers–and that many become successful business owners and entrepreneurs.

As a professional business owner with ADHD, Dr. Pound knows how difficult it can be to stay focused and organized. With coaching, she helps her clients develop self-esteem, confidence, and improved executive-level skills.

Dr. Pounds was born and raised in Buffalo, New York. As her career led her to the West Coast, she now thrives in San Diego, California. A certified Clini-Coach, Dr. Pound has 23 years of experience as a licensed practicing psychologist.