No matter your age, gender, socioeconomic status, or other factors, parenting is no easy task. Yet we often expect ourselves to be the ideal, stress-free parents who know how to do it all easily and perfectly. Contrary to the images we see on social media and in the fairytale landscapes in our minds, parenting can be one of life’s most challenging journeys. And, all too often, just when we think we have things under control, a new life stage or situation crops up to remind us that nothing in life is perfect—especially the ups and downs of parenting. Is it possible that one of the greatest secrets of parenting is the art of relaxing, finding autonomy, and diminishing anxiety?
Join Dr. Carla and Stanford-trained clinical psychologist, parenting expert, and author, Dr. Emily Edlynn for a heartfelt discussion focused on learning to parent with grace, joy, and imperfection. Topics explored include attachment theory, secure attachment, attunement, self-awareness, stress, anxiety, self-determination, and the power of building autonomy, competency, and relatedness. Please note that this episode contains sensitive material (e.g., a parent’s cancer diagnosis); listener discretion is advised. Resources are listed in the show notes.
Get the help you need:
https://www.nami.org/support-education/nami-helpline
https://www.cancer.org/support-programs-and-services.html
https://www.cdc.gov/childrensmentalhealth/features/supporting-parents.html
Books by Dr. Carla Manly:
Joy from Fear: https://www.amazon.com/Joy-Fear-Carla-Marie-Manly/dp/1641701218
Date Smart: https://www.amazon.com/Date-Smart-Transform-Relationships-Fearlessly/dp/1641704675
Aging Joyfully: https://www.amazon.com/Aging-Joyfully-Optimal-Relationships-Fulfillment/dp/1641701412
The Joy of Imperfect Love: https://www.amazon.com/Joy-Imperfect-Love-Creating-Relationships/dp/1641709057
Oracle decks by Dr. Carla Manly:
Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1757477615/imperfect-love-reflection-oracle-cards
Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Imperfect-Love-Reflection-Oracle-Cards/dp/B0D1Z5M4YK
Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:
Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly
Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/drcarlamanly
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drcarlamanly
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr.carlamariemanly8543
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_carla_manly
Book by Dr. Emily Edlynn:
Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children
Connect with Dr. Emily Edlynn:
Website: https://www.emilyedlynnphd.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dremilyedlynn
Twitter: https://twitter.com/DrEmilyEdlynn
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrEmilyEdlynn
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/emily-edlynn-phd-0610072
Podcast: https://offtheclockpsych.com
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Watch the episode here
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Is Relaxed Parenting the Healthiest Way to Go? Lighten Up with Expert Dr. Emily Edlynn
Fostering Healthy, Connective Parenting with Mindful Attunement!
Parenting Challenges
No matter your age, gender, socioeconomic status, or other factors, parenting is no easy task. Yet, we often expect ourselves to be the ideal stress-free parents who know how to do it all easily and perfectly. Contrary to the images we see on social media and in the fairytale landscapes of our minds, parenting can be one of life’s most challenging journeys. All too often, when we think we have things under control, a new life stage or situation crops up to remind us that nothing in life is perfect, especially the ups and downs of parenting. Is it possible that one of the greatest secrets of parenting is the art of relaxing, finding autonomy, and diminishing anxiety?
Today, we’ll focus on this listener’s real-life question, “I have two preteen girls and another child on the way. My husband was recently diagnosed with a rare form of cancer, and we’re hoping for the best. I am so distracted and stressed that I worry I’m not being a good mom to my daughters and won’t be able to cope with a newborn. I don’t have anyone to confide in. Can you direct me?” With that question as the focus of this episode, I’m Dr. Carla Marie Manley, and this is Imperfect Love.
I’m joined by a very special guest, Dr. Emily Edlynn, Stanford-trained clinical psychologist, parenting expert, and author. She will be sharing her expertise on helping parents of all ages tune into the joy of parenting by dialing down their stress and anxiety. Dr. Emily, welcome to the show. It’s such a pleasure to connect with you again.
Thank you so much, Dr. Carla. It’s lovely to be here again.
Before we launch into the topic of the day, could you share with our audience a little bit about what makes you you?
I am a mother of three. My kids are 15, 13, and 10. I am a trained clinical psychologist specializing in children. I grew up identifying as a writer. My whole childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood, I loved writing. I was an English major. It was my passion. I also was pulled to helping children as a career. I landed on child psychology as my profession. A few years ago, I got to figure out how to intersect my love of writing and communicating with my love of children and families by starting to write about parenting.
What a lovely background. Are there any pets in the mix in this lovely life?
There are two adorable dogs. One is four, and the other one is one and a half. They are both rescue dogs, and they bring so much love and joy to our family.
I love the power of pets to help a family be even more lovely and more cohesive. They’re amazing.
There’s more cleanup, unfortunately. There’s always the downside.
There is the cleanup, and it’s interesting. I learned when I was in my master’s program, I’m such a neat freak, and I remember I was pretty young at the time. This one professor, Dr. Skip, was talking about the fingerprints on the slider glass door after her grandkids left. She was hesitant to wipe them off because they were reminders of those beautiful interactions with the little ones and their stickiness. I remember thinking at the time, “Who would leave sticky fingerprints on a door? Things must be clean.” I came very quickly to see the importance of things like that and how when we change the mindset to see, “It’s not dirt, it’s not a mess, it’s evidence of love, movement, joy, and beauty.”
When my dog, Freedom, leaves footprints, I look and think, “It’s evidence of my muddy puppy in the house.” He is an eternal puppy with his muddy ways. It does help me be less of a perfectionist because I learned to embrace the mud and clean it up. I don’t leave it, but I do have a new way of looking at it. I agree. It does make the cleaning quite a bit more chronic cleaners.
It’s always a mess here.
Autonomy-Supportive Parenting
When we talk about this listener’s question, it makes my heart so sad for her because parenting itself is such a big journey. No matter what age they are, 5, 10, 20, 30, 50, or however, you never lose the job of being a parent. You have a new book out, Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children. Could you tell us a little bit about the book so that we can weave some of the principles into helping all the listeners, as well as the person who wrote in, understand more about how building a stress-free inner world and outer world, being more relaxed, less anxious, and more autonomous? People might not understand, “What does she mean by autonomy? Does that mean I get to leave my family and run off to Baja?” What does that mean? Do I get to hop the plane to Hawaii anytime I want? Probably not.
When it comes to kids, what I hear a lot is, “Can they just do whatever they want?” That’s not autonomy. I’ll get into what it is. It’s a big concept, and I’m so curious what people think of when they hear the word. A lot of times, people associate it with independence, and there’s an element of independence to being an autonomous being, but it’s so much more than that.
To be autonomous or have autonomy means feeling a sense of choice in your life, as well as a sense of mastery over your daily living and a sense of who you are, a sense of self. Autonomy-supportive parenting is nurturing all of that in our children through some strategies that I’ll get into, but I want to also recognize the other parts of autonomy-supportive parenting that have to go together with autonomy, and that is competence and relatedness.
These three needs are fundamental to being human. This has been shown in the research. It’s under the umbrella of self-determination theory that people who feel autonomous, competent, and related are happier and healthier. When we have an autonomy-supportive mindset as a parent and are using that in our homes, the goal is raising children who are autonomous, competent, and related.
I got into autonomy. Competence is having a sense of confidence in your skills and belief in your abilities to be competent in how you go through your daily life. Relatedness is that sense of belonging and connection in a relationship, feeling emotionally safe. That is the linchpin for autonomy and competence to grow from. That’s where parenting comes in so critically because we are our child’s first experience with relatedness. We’re creating that foundation of empathy and helping our children understand our perspective. We need to work on understanding their perspective, but it’s that relationship that everything else blooms from.
I’m getting an image of a person sitting on a horse saying, “Whoa, whoa, stop,” because the pieces you’re talking about, all of which, as someone who works from an attachment foundation, we know many adults don’t have those elements in their own lives. Some people feel very competent at work. Some people think being autonomous means, “I take care of myself. I’m independent. I don’t need anyone,” which is not what autonomy is.
Many people suffer from a lack of relatedness, not through any fault of their own. This is not a fault, shame, or blame show. We don’t go there. There’s no use in that, but we can often look at our childhood experiences if we pause to look at that and realize that intergenerationally often, our parents didn’t learn, their parents didn’t learn, they did not learn how to truly relate. They learned how to provide food, clothing, and shelter, possibly but sometimes not, but they often didn’t realize the importance of strong interpersonal relations, being able to attune to each other, seeing each other, and being empathic. That’s the hallmark of secure attachment.
We see it. It is being attuned. There may be parents of whatever age saying, “Wait a minute, I know I don’t have these skills within myself. I’m insecurely attached.” If they don’t even know what insecure attachment is, they might be saying, “I know my world is a mess. If my mental, emotional, and physical world is a mess, how can I provide this to a kiddo, whether they’re 5, 15, or 25, if I don’t have it within me?”
It’s been powerful to talk to many parents who know that they don’t want to replicate the childhood that they had for their children. The amazing self-awareness of parents these days should be highlighted. We’re always talking about the problems and the negatives, but I see this generation of parents raising kids now as extremely open to doing things differently and in tune with what they want to be different for their children. When that’s in place and they learn more about how to do that, it is very possible.
It starts with that self-awareness, the insight, naming what felt like a negative experience for you as a child, what you want to be different, and being clear about that. It could be, “My parents never listened to me. I want to make sure my child feels listened to.” It can be as straightforward as that, and then being open to getting support around that.
The other problem is, especially in America, we’re very much individualist and think that we have to do all of this on our own. It doesn’t work that way. We need support, connection, and community. It’s being vulnerable and reaching out for support in informal ways maybe. You feel a connection with another parent on the playground and you ask her to have coffee, and making those brave steps informally. Maybe it’s finding an online community that fits your values and you become active in that community. There are so many choices these days. It’s also knowing that you’re not supposed to figure this out all by yourself.
I appreciate those words because they’re so true. I join with you in being amazed by the level of self-growth and self-awareness in the world where people are starting to realize, “I have power here. I don’t need to pass this on. I don’t want to pass it on.” I don’t know if you’ve found this, but I’ll be working with someone, and they’re having trouble making the shift for themselves, whatever that shift is.
When you say, “When you have children,” because you might know that they want children, or, “If you have children, would you want to pass this on to your children?” The lights go on, and they’re like, “No.” That’s often the impetus for change, and it’s so wonderful to see that desire to do it differently. That’s where we leave the shame and blame behind and simply say, “I can’t change what happened to me, but I can change how I pass it on. I can change those patterns.”
We tend to be in a highly individualistic society where we think we ought to be able to do it on our own. We’re also in a quick-fix society. Those two things coupled together are not a good thing because we think that we ought to be able to go and take a pill for that or buy a product for that. You and I both write books. My most recent book, The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships, is all about being attuned to all of your relationships. It comes from an attachment perspective.
The reason I’m so big into self-help books, as I imagine you are, is they’re not a replacement for psychotherapy. For someone who doesn’t have the money or can’t access psychotherapy, reading or listening to a book can help you on your way in such powerful micro steps because we all need support. We don’t learn to drive without support. Somebody gets us in the car, gives us a safe place, and we hope to practice. Everything that we do in life, we must learn and we must be coached on. In our hyper-independent society, we’re often thrown into parenting or we choose parenting, not realizing it is not an easy task.
If you look back anthropologically, parenting was not supposed to be done by the two people who have the baby. It is a communal act. In our modern society, how things have shaken out over hundreds or thousands of years is that we’re very isolated and feel like it is just us that is supposed to raise these children. It’s realizing there’s a mismatch between how humans were designed to procreate and raise children and the lives we’re living now. We’re fighting against that reality.
Addressing Isolation and Support Systems
Thank you for highlighting that because it is one of the most problematic aspects of parenting. People don’t live in multi-generational homes anymore, where Grandma is right down the hallway or next door. You may have no relatives. Taking this to our listener’s question, it sounds as if this individual is isolated.
I don’t know the relationship with the OBGYN or the primary health care provider, but it sounds as if maybe in everything that’s going on with the husband’s medical condition, that’s where the focus is. She’s treading water and feeling very anxious and fearful. I would imagine not only for the state of her marriage and her life as she knows it but for the two preteen kids and then the new one. I don’t know how soon they’re going to arrive. What specific thoughts might you have for our listener on this topic?
If this person was sitting across from me, I would ask, “What are your expectations for yourself?” First, I would want to hear what she thinks she should be doing. What are the shoulds? Often, we don’t even realize how those are creating our own suffering, and it takes talking to another person. As a therapist, I help people do it all day, and then I do it myself all the time. I need someone else to help me get out of my head, but I think it’s that idea of shifting expectations and having compassion for the context that she’s in.
Often, we don't even realize how our shoulds are creating our own suffering. Share on XI’m not trying to say this is on her to fix it because I don’t want to give that message. I want to be understanding of how much stress this creates for a family system. I’ve worked in oncology in hospitals. I know the pain and suffering that goes along with any family member going through a cancer diagnosis and treatment. It is intense pressure and stress. It’s paying attention to what she is expecting of herself. Are there places where she can give herself some grace, and let some stuff go? I would want to know more about the connections with the two kids, the preteens, what those relationships are like, to begin with, and what are their strengths. I’m always about leveraging the strengths of the relationships.
It’s hard to give specific advice because I know how different kids can be. It’s all about their personality, temperament, and needs, and what fits best. In general, focusing on their connection and relationship through this hardship is the priority. Some of the other stuff can be lower on the list if those other things are stressing her out, like cleaning rooms, doing laundry, and things like that.
Thank you for breaking it down so beautifully. When we look at the idea of expectations, that’s a wonderful place to start, and that idea of should. I talk about that on the show frequently, where should is known as violent communication in certain realms. We don’t realize that we are often shoulding ourselves, “I should have the kitchen perfectly clean. I should have the kids perfectly ready for school every morning, get my husband to the doctor appointments, do this, be part of the PTA, and go to my job,” or whatever is happening in this person’s world.
Realize all of those should messages without judgment when they pop up. Notice when these should statements exactly pop up. Instead of using should, replace it with, “It’d be nice if the house,” or “I could” or “I might want to,” or anything that feels more empathic and gentler without this harsh inner critic that’s saying you should, you’re imperfect, or you’re a bad mom. Instead, saying, “It’s okay to be imperfect. We’re all imperfect, so things are going to be a little messy for a while. It’s okay to have this.”
It’s interesting because we’re going back to the beginning of the show where we were talking about embracing a bit of messiness. That’s one of the reasons I believe in imperfectness and embracing imperfectness. It’s not an excuse to be a horrible person. It’s a reason to allow yourself to be human, to allow ourselves to be a little messy sometimes. It’s a lovely way to help this listener who wrote in, and all of our listeners, realize that if you’re shoulding yourself and being hard and critical, it’s okay to relax a little bit. It’s okay to invite in a little bit of messiness and mud. Maybe the dishes don’t get done. Maybe the school lunches aren’t perfect. Maybe they’re leftovers.
You’re also teaching your kiddos that even though a school lunch might be peanut butter and jelly instead of whatever you might concoct that’s all perfect, it is better to enjoy that time of preparation with the kids, enjoy, and send them off to school with ease than to send them somewhere with perfect food or perfect dinner and have stress, anxiety, and conflict.
I appreciate that piece about the should. I also love that you brought up expectations because that’s part of the whole mix. It’s such a wonderful way to look at this if she’s able to find time to sit down and say, “What are my expectations here?” I love how you said, “Can I give myself grace? Is there a cancer support group available for spouses of the person who has cancer?”
There are often phone tree systems within support groups where somebody can run the kids to school or step in for you. If she’s a full-time mom, as well as a full-time employee outside the home, maybe there’s a leave of absence. Maybe finances don’t allow for that, but reaching out. As much as we like to be independent and do it all, there is a time when relatives aren’t around.
There’s a time to reach out and say, “This is quite a lot for me. Is there support available?” I don’t think that makes her any less of a wonderful human being. It makes her a more full human being because then she’d be able to be present for those in her life and let other people who want to step in. Allow them the honor of stepping in to be of support. What do you think?
I think there is that vulnerability piece that people struggle with, Vulnerability is the heart of deep and meaningful connection. The more we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and ask for help, the richer our connections and relationships can be. I also was thinking, as you were talking, about the importance of checking in as well on, “What do I think it means to be a good parent? What is that?” We all get caught up in the images that we see of good parenting. There is no such thing as perfect parenting. That needs to be dismissed out of hand. To me, it’s children who feel safe and loved.
I can say 100% that across my practice, I have not yet run into an adult who said, “I wish my parents had bought me a nicer car,” or “I wish my parents had bought me more five-star meals or one-star meals,” whatever it is. It’s overarchingly, “I wish my parents had slowed down to see who I was. I wish my parents had been kinder or gentler or more present.” That’s what kids want. That’s what kids need. That’s what we all want and need. Sometimes we mask it with, “Buy me more, give me more,” when underneath is that true desire for most people to connect.
Thank you for pointing that out, and that almost fits with the expectations piece. Look at what kind of parent you want to be and then move into that with baby steps. Slowing down might mean that you don’t bake cookies, but it might mean that you sit down and read with your kids for twenty minutes. That’s what they’ll likely remember more than the perfect dinner or the extra soccer game or whatever it might be.
Strength-Based Approach
Thank you for bringing that up. I have another question for you. When we look at the autonomy part of parenting, the way you framed it, we’re saying it’s not about independence. It’s about this sense of “I am capable.” I’m going to weave this into the preteens because those kiddos are clearly on her radar. You were saying to look at their strengths, and you come from a very strength-based approach. Let’s imagine she’s seeing these two preteens, maybe one is 9, maybe one is 11. I don’t know the ages, and she sees that the 9-year-old is good at school and that the other one is good at sports. How might this parent lean into those strengths when she’s already taxed?
I would pull back a little bit, and not focus on school and sports, but as overall functioning in the family, what are their strengths? Are you expecting from them things they can do? I’ve heard this over and over. When we’re stressed, we go into over-functioning mode because it’s faster and easier. What’s happening is our children aren’t getting the opportunity to build their self-sufficiency skills that build their confidence and then competence. It’s all connected.
When we're stressed, we go into over-functioning mode because it's faster and easier, but this prevents our children from building their self-sufficiency skills. Share on XEspecially in a time of high stress, where this family is going through a big life stressor, look at how they might want to be more helpful in the family’s day-to-day. Maybe one kid loves to be in the kitchen. I’m not saying they’re going to want to cook dinner every night, but maybe there’s a way they can prep a meal on a Sunday for a night that week. Maybe one of the kids enjoys organizing things. They can be helpful in the family space.
It’s also flexing what we’re used to thinking about in terms of what our kids can do. I hear from parents sometimes that, in the beginning, the kids push back a little bit because they’re not used to it. They’re not used to doing more, but then I also hear how they bloom into it. You see them gain confidence. You mentioned this at the beginning. They’re feeling like “You trust me to do this,” and that feels good. That is something very pragmatic for this family, like how we can all pitch in more and be more helpful. I’ve worked with children with very sick parents. They want to feel like they’re doing something to help.
I agree with you and love the strength-based approach because it works generally across all of our relationships. Let’s imagine the younger one is good at school and loves to read. You take that and you say, “Dad is recovering from his chemo treatment. Do you want to go and read to Dad the book that you were assigned in school or one of your favorite ones?” The one who might love sports, “Do you want to go outside and rake the leaves or play soccer with your younger sister in the yard?” It’s finding ways in a different realm as well.
You’re saying to look at the strengths and pull those strengths in, whatever they are. Maybe they’re the more compassionate child. Maybe they love cleaning naturally or baking, but embracing whatever is naturally coming up. Move into it and be creative with it. That’s a lovely element of parenting. Sometimes we’re so set on “this child should do this” that we forget we can be creative.
We can make helping fun and connective. We can make creating lunches for school the next day a chore and burdensome, or it can be fun. We can say, “Can you help Mom here with this? Can you cut the carrots? Can you mix the hummus?” I love this idea that you’re bringing up because it does build competency, while it’s also reducing the mom’s stress and helping the family come together. We’re seeing maybe they’re in the kitchen, maybe they’re in the living room, but it’s creating that attunement and that flow that will help the entire family feel less stressed and anxious. I’m sure the school lunches might not look perfect, and a salad cut up by kiddos might not be quite as pretty.
We got to let go of that stuff.
That takes us back to the idea of letting it be imperfect. You also brought up the point about there being no such thing as a perfect parent. I would imagine that this mom and this diagnosis, there are so many things I see, whether it’s a parent who’s addicted to a substance, or there’s a medical diagnosis, or there’s an older family member who’s gotten very sick, a parent or something, a grandparent, where it grows.
If we allow ourselves to truly embrace the truth that there is no such thing as being perfect, there is no such thing as being a perfect parent. Donald Winnicott, back in the ’50s, coined that term about the good-enough parent. What is a good enough parent? It’s the parent who is attuned 85%, 90%, and sometimes 95% of the time. If you’re able to tune into your kids that much, somewhere in that realm, you are going to be a good enough parent. Even kids don’t expect you to be tuned in. They might want you to be tuned into them 100% of the time, but think about it. Those other percentages of the time, they’re looking somewhere else anyway.
Especially as they get older, and I would add to that. We also enrich our relationships and decrease our stress when we allow ourselves to show our humanity to our kids. If we can release those ideas of needing to be perfect for our kids, never getting upset, never showing distress, that’s not human. I hear that a lot from parents. Letting some of that go is very freeing. It’s less stressful because you’re not holding in as much, trying to guard against how you’re feeling, and you’re opening yourself up to be more connected to your kids. It’s okay to say to your kids, “This was a hard day. I am worn out. I might be a little impatient. This is how I’m feeling, and it’s okay,” because then our kids learn that they can tell us that too when they’re feeling that way.
We enrich our relationships and decrease our stress when we allow ourselves to show our humanness to our kids. Share on XI love how you naturally modeled I-messages. So much of the research shows that when a parent or an adult is using an I-feeling-based message, not only does it help them be more present and honor their emotional state, which improves their mental health overall, but it can also be exactly what the child needs. The child realizes, “I don’t always have to feel good or happy or be perfect.”
When I’m talking about I-messages and a feeling-based message, I’m simply referring to what Dr. Emily did naturally, which was to say, “I feel.” You say, “I feel a bit sad. I feel anxious. I feel exhausted. Mom is going to go and take a little time out in the bathroom for ten minutes,” or “I’m going to go cuddle up in my chair because I feel frustrated,” whatever it might be. Even if the mom feels angry, “I feel angry,” all of those feelings are good feelings. They’re messengers about what’s going on inside. When we use those I-feel statements, we’re less likely to act out in a way that would be negative, like throwing something.
There’s then the regret and the shame that follow that.
If you express your anger in a healthy way, like “I feel angry. I’m going to go and take a walk around the block. I’ll be right back,” it is far superior to throwing a cup or punching the wall or something like that. We model for those in our lives, and thus we’re decreasing the anxiety. We’re decreasing the stress. This goes back to a piece that’s a core of your work, which is being more relaxed because we’re making a space for all of these emotions that are part of life. Particularly in this situation, when there are health challenges and schedule challenges, it’s okay, and it’s normal and healthy for emotions to be expressed and channeled in a healthy direction.
In addition to the emotional piece, which is central, we’re both on the same page with this as psychologists. To get back to some of the autonomy-supportive tools, the idea of inviting your child to collaborate on, “This seems to not be working well in our family right now. What are your ideas for how things could be better?” or “We’re yelling at each other every morning, trying to get out the door. It’s not feeling good to any of us. Do you have ideas about what could go differently?”
I was shocked this morning. My ten-year-old is a very forgetful child, always forgetting things. He has a school iPad that he needs to keep charged. Sometimes I remember to remind him, but not all the time because it is his responsibility. This morning, he said to me as school started, “I need to come up with a way that I am reminded every day to charge this iPad.”
It’s the first time that he took the onus on himself that there needs to be a system here because just me remembering it isn’t working. You see the growth of your child. It doesn’t happen probably the first day you try to encourage more independence or help them critically think or problem-solve, but it does pay off over time. It’s so surprising what our kids come up with. They’re very good problem-solvers if we let them.
It's so surprising what our kids come up with. They're very good problem-solvers if we let them. Share on XI am clapping my hands over here that you brought up the word collaborate because across all relationships, from those with our children to our romantic partners to our friends, especially, I think it comes up with children and romantic partners, we forget the power of collaborating. We think that kiddos, because many of us are used to a more authoritarian style of parenting where we are telling the child what to do, we forget how much kids like to collaborate and they like choice. When we give them a choice of what they would do, instead of telling them but inviting them to collaborate with us, they often come up with ideas that might be quite a bit superior to what we would come up with.
They do. I can speak to that. To speak to our stress, it takes the pressure off of us to not have to fix everything and come up with all of the ideas. We have enough in our brains that we are constantly scrambling, and to look to our kids and say, “What do you think?” or “What are your ideas?” They get to think instead of us. They can use that energy, and they have more energy than we do.
They have so much energy, those little ones, and you made me think of one of my favorite words in working with couples and families, which is “invitation.” When we remember, instead of saying, “You should do this,” or “Why aren’t you doing this?” when we learn to invite questions, to invite somebody else’s opinion, to invite somebody else’s capacities, we make so much more space, not only within ourselves but within the environment. Often, kids are waiting to be invited. They don’t even know they want to help, but when they’re invited and say, “Do you want to do this?” “Yes, of course,” and they grow into it.
It’s so important that you bring up the piece again of collaboration, which also makes space for the invitation part because it is part of that imperfect sort of wabi-sabi way of learning to make a family system, especially one that’s under stress. We get to create something new and fresh, and it won’t look like it did before all of this occurred. That’s where we get to change our expectations because this dear mom may have had all of these expectations, consciously or unconsciously, in her mind of how things were going to play out.
We all do that. We have the house with the white picket fence and then this stage and then the rocking chairs with the retirement home or whatever it might look like, and all of a sudden, her hopes and dreams for the future are shifted. There’s going to be some grief involved, some reformatting involved, some visions and hopes and dreams that may need to be adjusted. That’s all okay. She needs the space and the support to, whether she gets individual therapy, goes to group therapy, or some sort of group support, has the courage to ask.
Asking For Support
I’m winding down on some of your key topics here. Courage, because it does take sometimes courage, especially for those of us who have been or are perfectionists or recovering perfectionists, to ask other people for support. We can feel it makes us less than, and it doesn’t make us less than. It makes us human. As you said earlier, on an evolutionary level, we need support. It’s how humans and animals are. All animals need other beings to support them. We are all interrelated.
Realizing that when you have the courage to say, “I’d love some help here. It would feel good. I need some help.” There are often, in communities, through the hospital, through the oncology center, whatever you’re going through, through your EYN, ask for resources, ask for names, phone numbers. A lot of medical offices have them available. They don’t often volunteer them, but they generally have them if you ask. What do you think about that?
I think it’s essential, and what was going through my mind as you were talking was imagining this mother and asking her, “If your daughter were going through this at your age, what would you want for her?” I am sure she would want her daughter to have support, no matter how she found that support.
Final Thoughts
When we ask for support, we are being role models that show our children, our neighbors, and anyone who may be in that realm, that support is a good thing. Support is a beautiful thing. In a world where so many people do not have family close by, all we are doing when we reach out for more support is creating a different kind of interconnectedness than what our ancestors naturally had a block away. It’s not that you’re broken, it’s not that you’re not enough, it’s not that you’re not strong. It’s that you are a human being and we are meant to have supportive communities to function at our best. Dr. Emily, you are such a tremendous guest with so much to offer. Do you have any final thoughts for our audience?
Whoever is tuning in, whether or not they’re going through a current crisis or not, probably everyone who turned on this episode could benefit from the idea of giving yourselves grace. We have a parenting culture that’s very intense and can feel relentless, and we’re never measuring up. I am here to question all of that, speak up against it, and remind everyone that if you love your children and keep them safe, you’re doing an amazing job.
On that brilliant comment, I would like to end, but I’m not going to because you said something that since we’re both psychologists, we get it. It might seem a bit difficult for someone who’s in the trenches, stressed, sad, frustrated, and angry. They say, “It’s easy for you to say to give myself grace. What do you mean by that? When I can’t even pay the rent, how can I possibly give myself grace?” What would you say, Dr. Emily?
When I talk about giving yourself grace, it’s paying attention to that inner critic and talking to yourself as you would talk to your closest friend and people you love the most in your life, and being as kind to yourself as you are to the people you love around you.
What you’re saying is watch that inner voice as being kind, gentle, loving, understanding, and most of all, supportive because if you’re not being supportive to yourself, showing yourself that grace of love and tenderness and attunement, which also might lead to a bit of yummy self-care, which could be as simple as a five-minute walk or a bath, that by giving yourself that grace, then you will reduce your stress, reduce your anxiety. You’ll feel more relaxed, even if for only a half hour, and then you’ll be able to be more present to those in your world and more connected. We like that word, connected. That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Being connected. Feels good. Thank you for connecting with us. I am truly grateful. I so appreciate you, Emily, and all the work you do. Where can our audience find you?
I have a website, EmilyEdlynnPhd.com. I’m also @Dr.EmilyEdlynn on Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn, and I have a substack called Parent Smarter, Not Harder.
Beautiful. I like that. Parent Smarter, Not Harder, and you are the author of the amazing book, Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children, and that’s everywhere wonderful books can be found, Amazon. Thank you, Dr. Emily, for joining us. It’s such a joy and a pleasure.
Thank you, Carla.
Thank you, everyone. This is Imperfect Love.
Important Links
- www.EmilyEdlynnPhd.com
- Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children
- The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships
- www.Instagram.com/dremilyedlynn
- www.EmilyEdlynn.substack.com
- www.Facebook.com/DrEmilyEdlynn
- www.LinkedIn.com/in/emily-edlynn-phd-0610072
- www.OffTheClockPsych.com
- www.Nami.org/support-education/nami-helpline
- www.Cancer.org/support-programs-and-services.html
- www.CDC.gov/childrensmentalhealth/features/supporting-parents.html
About Dr. Emily Edlynn
Dr. Emily Edlynn (she/her) is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in pediatric health psychology who works in private practice with children, teens, and adults. She has a BA in English from Smith College, a PhD in clinical psychology from Loyola University Chicago, and completed postgraduate training at Stanford and Children’s Hospital Orange County.
Emily spent almost ten years working in children’s hospitals before pivoting to private practice, which allowed her to start a writing career. Emily’s writing has also appeared in the Washington Post, Scary Mommy, Good Housekeeping, Motherly, Psychology Today, and more. Her first book, Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent Confident Children came out last year.
She also writes about modern parenting in her Substack newsletter and co-hosts the popular Psychologists Off the Clock podcast. Emily lives with her husband, three children, and two rescue dogs in Oak Park, IL where she can see Chicago’s skyline from her attic window.