Do you tend to procrastinate or have other habits that work against you? Do you want to have stronger willpower? As a clinical psychologist, Dr. Carla has found that most of us have at least a few hardwired habits that keep us from being our best selves and living our best lives. So, whether you’re feeling defeated by broken resolutions or stressed by a habit that keeps you feeling stuck, she can assure you that it’s possible to shift your life for the better. Today, we’ll dive into the art and science of getting unstuck with a habit change expert who will highlight five powerful habits you can embrace to create a life you love.

Join Dr. Carla and habit coach Chris Loper for a powerful discussion about the simple shifts you can make to create healthy, lasting changes that improve your overall well-being. Topics discussed include willpower, healthy habits, neuroplasticity, flow state, multi-tasking, mono-tasking, social media, technology, strategy, deep work, exercise, sleep, sleep hygiene, sobriety, self-improvement, self-growth, transformation, habit replacement, optimal frustration, social accountability, anxiety, compartmentalization, AA, support, and self-soothing.

Please note that this episode may contain sensitive material; listener discretion is advised.

Emergency Assistance Note: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911” or “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline). Additional links are in the show notes.

Books by Dr. Carla Manly:

Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly

Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend

Aging Joyfully: A Woman’s Guide to Optimal Health, Relationships, and Fulfillment for Her 50s and Beyond

The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships

Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:

Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly/

Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/drcarlamanly/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drcarlamanly

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr.carlamariemanly8543

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_carla_manly

Book by Chris Loper:

Wood Floats and Other Brilliant Observations: A Humorous Memoir

Connect with Chris Loper:

Website: https://becomingbetter.org/

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Live Your Best Life! Healthy Habits Made Easy with Expert Chris Loper

Simple, Research-Backed Steps to Healthy Habits

Do you tend to procrastinate? Do you want to have stronger willpower? As a clinical psychologist, I found that most of us have at least a few hardwired habits that keep us from being our best selves and living our best lives. Whether you’re feeling defeated by broken resolutions or stressed out by a habit that keeps you stuck, I can assure you that it is possible to shift your life for the better. In this episode, we’ll dive into the art and science of getting unstuck with a habit-change expert. We will highlight five powerful habits you can embrace to create a life you love. It won’t stop there. We’ll have some fantastic easy-to-follow strategies to help you break those old habits and create healthy new ones.

We’ll focus on this listener’s real-life question, “Can you help me figure out why I keep failing at my New Year’s resolutions. Every year it’s the same thing. I make my list of resolutions but my willpower sucks. No matter what resolutions I set out for dieting, exercising, or work, I usually crumble by the end of the first week. My record is seventeen days. I feel like such a failure.” With that question as the focus of this episode, I’m Dr. Carla Marie Manly and this is Imperfect Love.

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I’m joined by a very wonderful guest. Chris Loper is a habit coach who focuses on behavioral change and productivity. Welcome to the show, Chris. It’s such a pleasure to have you with us.

Thanks, Carla. It’s great to be here.

Before we launch into the meat and potatoes of today’s episode, can you tell our listeners a little bit about what makes you you?

 

 

What makes me me is what psychologists call zest. I’m a high-energy person who loves life. I’m not one thing. I’m I don’t do one thing. I’m a tutor, writer, habit coach, husband, uncle, skier, board gamer, and bird nerd. In all that I do, I show up with energy, enthusiasm, and optimism.

I like that you embody zest. Zest is good. It’s a very close cousin to joy. I’m a big joy fan. You’re zest and I’m joy. This should be a fantastic episode. When we look at the listener’s question, it sounds like they’re feeling pretty depressed and maybe a bit hopeless about perhaps years of resolutions that don’t make it beyond maybe a couple of weeks or a week and at max, seventeen days.

I’m sure many of us can understand and appreciate that, and have empathy with that on some level. For many people, they’ve been there because I believe that many resolutions, if I recall the research on it, often and by the time six days have passed. Very very few make it to the two-month mark. Even fewer make it to the 21-day mark. That is where real change starts to take root.

Exploring Habit Coaching and Paradigm for Change

Before we talk about those five important facets of habit change and before we get into the actual steps people can take once they know those five keys, can you tell us a little bit about your habit coaching and the paradigm you work from?

When most people try to change their behavior, their game plan is to force themselves to do it. They want to rely on brute force willpower. That’s not much of a strategy. There’s a whole variety of strategies that reduce the amount of willpower you need to do the behaviors and to do them consistently. My main program with folks is coaching them on how to use those strategies and how to troubleshoot when things don’t go right because things aren’t always going to go right. You need to expect that. We’re helping people apply the neuroscience of habit formation and willpower in real-time to make the changes they want to make.

Most people, when they try to change their behavior, rely on brute force willpower. That's not really much of a strategy. Share on X

I love where we’re starting from because it is the foundation. I hear this from clients all the time. They’ll say, “Dr. Carla, I don’t have any willpower.” I let them know that sometimes, it’s far more than willpower. Let’s start with an explanation in your words about what willpower is and why isn’t brute force willpower sufficient.

Willpower is the capacity to do something that you don’t feel like doing. It’s being done in your brain but it’s like a muscle. Your brain is like a bunch of muscles. The ones you use more get stronger. If you use a particular brain muscle a lot in one sitting or one day, it gets tired. As the listener said, “New Year’s resolutions,” plural. What most people do is set several resolutions, “I’m going to quit drinking and quit smoking. I’m going to start going to the gym. I’m going to start meditating. I’m going to start getting up at 6:00 AM every day.”

Willpower is done in your brain, and your brain is like a muscle. The more you use a muscle, the stronger it gets, but if you overuse it in one sitting, it gets tired. Share on X

It’s too much. They’re overloading themselves by giving themselves too much to do at one time. It is like, “I’ve never run before. I’m going to run a marathon next week so I’m going to start running 10 miles a day to get ready.” If you start now, you have to go slow. It’s hard for people to accept they need that patience. If you adopt that patience, you can go much further in the long run.

Understanding Willpower and the Limits of Brute Force

What you are saying is we do the brute force willpower like, “I will do this. I will lose 20 pounds by the end of January,” rather than doing that strong push ahead where that muscle of willpower can get very tired. Also, if maybe there’s a hiccup and the person eats three cookies instead of no cookies, and they give it up altogether. It’s like, “Never mind,” and then everything is thrown out the window, including willpower, self-esteem, and self-confidence.

What you’re saying, and I’m very aligned with you on this, is to have one simple macro goal or main goal such as, “I want to exercise 20 minutes a day.” Underneath that are the micro goals that help you be set up for success to achieve that. Is that where you’re coming from or something like that?

Yeah. I coach people to focus on one big change at a time, Start small, focus on consistency, and build it up gradually. That way, you’re never shocking your brain with this big major scary change. You’re easing yourself into it, like gradually turning up the heat. Over time, you’re creating new neural connections to make the behavior easier and more normal. Whenever you’re increasing the intensity of the behavior, you’re using a little bit of willpower, but it’s never too much. It’s like I’m lifting weights and every week, I add a little bit to the amount of weights I’m lifting. I’m getting stronger in a sustainable way.

 

 

I completely agree with you. I’m thinking of the concept in psychology called optimal frustration when we have just enough frustration in a task, a goal, or a resolution. We’ll keep using the analogy of lifting weights or when we’re looking at lifting weights. If we’re not used to a 5-pound weight, we don’t want to go straight to a 20-pound weight. That will be too much. We’ll drop the weight, never pick it up, and feel hopeless.

Whereas if we want to lift a 5-pound weight and we start with a 3-pound weight, a few reps a day for maybe a couple of weeks, then move to a 4-pound weight or sometimes straight to a 5-pound weight, then we don’t have that exhaustion and that high level of frustration that makes us drop the weight and walk away altogether. That makes perfect sense.

Funny aside, I have my motorcycle license and haven’t ridden for years. I have been riding since I was a kid. I think I’m the only one in my family who loves motorcycles. As an adult, I went to get back into it. Instead of going straight for a bike that was 125 or something, I went for a Harley. It was a beautiful Harley and one of the smaller ones. I dropped it in the driveway and then rode it some more and then dropped it in the driveway again another day because there was a pine cone. It slid out from underneath me.

I was very worried that I had hurt my beautiful pearl pearly white Harley, but I never rode it again. The frustration was too high and the bike was too much. It was that weight. The weight was too much for my tiny being and my skill level. I never went back to that bike. I sold it and got on with my life. When we look at that, going back to the listener’s question. That was a pretty bike. I named it Trouble, by the way. I think I was the trouble, not the bike.

When we think of that, I think of how easy it is to set our aspirations high, especially for people who are fairly high achievers. You want to reach for that star. You want to get there and you want to get there quickly. Whether it’s losing 20 pounds, being a yoga expert, or running that marathon, some of us want to do it tomorrow. We don’t realize that the heavy-duty approach can work against us. That sounds like it’s a big piece of what you focus on.

Setting Goals for a Healthier Diet and Weight Loss

Let’s take it to the listener’s question for a minute. It sounds like they’ve had various resolutions over the years, like work, exercise, and diet. Let’s imagine that they want to give up most fast food and eat a more wholesome diet, or let’s make it a little more complicated. Let’s say they would also like to reduce weight over time. Set us up for success here. Give us the steps on how to get a healthier diet while also losing some pounds along the way.

Start by looking for the low-hanging fruit, which may be a bad metaphor in this case. Are you keeping junk food in your house? Get rid of it and don’t buy it because if it’s right there, it’s too easy to access. It’s not like you can never have unhealthy food. Don’t let it in your house. You have to work for it if you want to eat. It’s like, “I want a cookie, but we don’t have any cookies.” Do I want to get in the car in the rain and drive for 20 minutes to get cookies? If I don’t want that bad, then I won’t do it. That’s environmental design. Stock your house with easy healthy food and get rid of the easy-to-access unhealthy food.

The second piece I would encourage people to do is plan ahead what and when they are going to eat. Have a dedicated day for the week for grocery shopping and food prep. That gets you set up for 3 to 5 days with food that’s going to be good for you. When you get home from work and you’re exhausted and there’s nothing in the fridge and you don’t have a plan, you’ll go to McDonald’s. Most people do this on Sunday because they work from Monday through Friday. Figure out some meals that you want to make or 1 or 2 big pots of stuff that you want to eat over a few days. Go to the store, chopped veggies, cook it up, and you’re ready to go, so then you don’t have to do it when you’re exhausted.

Create the environment that sets you up for success. If you want to have a healthier diet, make sure that you have carrots, apples, and celery. Those become the sweets, and then you have all of the other good things around you so that you don’t have the temptation. You have this environment that feels good, yummy, nutritious, and healthy.

I love the idea of planning ahead. For a lot of our listeners, that might feel like, “I don’t want to do meal prep and planning on a Sunday. You embrace it as an idea of whether I’m single or have a family, this is something we can do that’s fun. We can make a fun time out of it. We can have glass containers to put everything in and have this beautiful vegetarian chili or lasagna. They can all be frozen ahead. Take a chunk of that Sunday and make it fun and enjoyable. When we add that in, every task is easy when it becomes a bit of play.

When I’m cooking, there’s maybe some dancing. I call that “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down” strategy.

I’m with you on that. You can take on almost any task if you shift your mindset to find something beautiful in it. Cleaning the bathroom may not be fun, but it becomes an act of like, “This is good.” It’s the immediate gratification of seeing the sink going from toothpaste-covered to nice and sparkly. That feels good. When we learn to look for those little pieces, they become positive reinforcement. Instead of seeing every task as shackles and chains on us, we can see some of these tasks as “This feels good.”

I remember one of my first insights into this was reading Thomas Moore’s Care of the Soul. It’s one of my favorite books. He talks about caring for the home and creating these rituals. Our bodies are also a home. We create rituals around us that take some of these mundane tasks and make them sacred and imbue them with, “This is a gift. Cooking this food is a gift to my body. It’s a gift to my soul. It’s a gift to my kiddos or my partner.” It’s a game-changer. Don’t you think doing some of those mindset shifts?

Yeah. We say things to ourselves, “I have to go to the grocery store.” The grocery store is a miracle. For most of history, you couldn’t just go somewhere that was 5 or 10 minutes away and have a building full of food that you could easily purchase and go home. That’s a modern miracle that we take for granted. You get to go to the grocery store. It’s awesome that it exists and that you can afford to buy food. That’s a privilege that did not exist for most of human history and still does not exist for many people today.

I love this. Now we’ve added another one. Reframe to see things in the positive. You’re right, grocery stores are a miracle. In the not-too-distant past, people had to take their covered wagon or their horse or go by foot to the nearest town, hope it wasn’t a ghost town, and find that local purveyor of goods. Even then before that, if you didn’t have the goods and your neighbor didn’t have the goods, you’re hungry. What else can help this listener in particular but all of our listeners to take another positive step? We now have the environment. We have the planning ahead. We have this reframing to have things in a positive mindset. What else?

I’ve worked with a lot of clients who’ve had trouble with eating too much fast food. They always try to negotiate like, “I’m going to eat less. I’m only going to have it once a week. I’m going to only have it if I’m going out with people or something.” Pretty much all of them have found that strategy doesn’t work. They’re addicted to it because the food is designed to be addictive. They need to treat it like a drug and go 100% all in on never eating fast food. When they make that shift, suddenly, they’re good to go. They never have to choose again. They never have to drive by a fast food restaurant and go, “Maybe today I can cheat.” No. You’ve already decided never again. Ten years ago, I decided I was never going to drink or use drugs again.

 

 

I’m not countering you. I agree with you. No matter what you’re reading or listening to, you always find all these experts with different opinions. For some experts, when it comes to habit change, they’ll say, “Allow yourself that giant-sized hamburger or that three scoops of ice cream once a month.” I’m not going to say that that’s not okay, especially as you’re working on the initial stages of habit change. I agree with you, Chris, on working on those initial stages until you get that core.

Have things be off-limits so that you don’t have to negotiate. You don’t have to say, “Maybe I’ll have one scoop,” and you end up with three. You say, “I won’t have the box of candy,” but you get so obsessed with it that you have three boxes. If we look at what you were saying, don’t negotiate what is destructive to you. Instead, find a healthy replacement. Think about the distant past. There was the See’s Candy and I loved mint truffles. Having three mint truffles was heaven to me.

I realized that whether it’s three mint truffles, there are other things I could be putting in my body as a treat. What I decided to do was to shift towards seeing what I really like. What my body really wanted was things like pineapple, blueberries, or raspberries. I was like, “These are just as good. They’re even better.”

Now if you gave me a choice between three chocolate truffles and a basket of organic raspberries, hands down I’m going to take your organic raspberries. It doesn’t mean that I occasionally won’t want to nibble a truffle, but that’s later in the game. We realize that once we get stronger. I’m glad you brought up the piece about sobriety. I know we’re going to get to some of these healthy pieces in a bit. I think that’s why there’s AA for many people who have addictions.

We’re not saying that food is as addictive or as bad for you as alcohol addiction, but it can be in its own ways. When people struggle with an alcohol addiction or another addiction, they make those negotiations, especially in that first year. Sometimes it’s a lifetime. One leads to two leads to five, and then you go down into that abyss. If you make a deal with yourself because of whatever this resolution is, whether it’s no fast food or no alcohol, you make that promise to yourself for good reason.

You say, “I value myself so much and I no longer want to reward myself with this, or compartmentalize my thoughts or numb myself out with that.” Instead, I might give myself the gift of psychotherapy or I might give myself the gift of going to AA meetings. We often negotiate with the substance that harms us. Whatever that is, we can negotiate with ourselves to find something to replace it that feels better. What do you think of that?

I agree. That thing that’s better isn’t necessarily tangible. It can be the feeling of pride when you make a better choice. When someone says, “I want fast food, I’m like, “Yes, you do. You’ve also told me that you want to be healthier.” You want both of these things. When you have that feeling, ask yourself, “What do I want more?” We’re normalizing the idea that you have competing wants, and then trying to help them remember that they do have the other thing that they want. In the moment, the bright shiny tasty thing grabs your attention, and then you forget that you have these other goals. If you make the better choice for yourself, feast on that and be like, “That’s like me,” and feel proud of yourself for it.

 

 

Positive reinforcement is one of my favorite pieces of change. Often, when we do something not so well like we have three cookies instead of no cookies or we don’t exercise, we break ourselves for making that choice. We forget that when we do something well, whether it’s going a day without going to a fast food restaurant or whether we go a week without drinking every one of those days, it’s all a choice. When we congratulate ourselves and say, “Well done you. You’re speaking to yourself, “You’re amazing. You did this.” You are hardwiring your brain in new ways.

For many of us, habits have been with us for not just a decade but sometimes for a lifetime. Sometimes it was a pattern observed from a parent. It’s part of our neurobiology because we were wiring that pattern in before we knew what patterns were. We realize, “I’m taking this entire freeway in my brain. I am changing it. I am shifting to another freeway that I am creating all on my own. Those freeways are hard to create. It takes a lot of effort and mindfulness, but I’m doing it. I’m creating this detour to those lovely new freeways. It’s a lot of work but I’m doing a good job.” We forget that on a neurobiological level, that’s what habit change is.

That’s the beauty of neuroplasticity. It doesn’t matter if you’re 20 years old or 80 years old, our brains can be changed. I think it’s fascinating because as we change, sometimes we get back into that old freeway, and then we give up altogether as it sounds like our listener does. Instead, it’s a matter of realizing your own old freeway going, “I want to get off this freeway. I want to stop. I want to turn around and I want to get onto my new freeway. I like my new freeway. I’m creating that one and it feels good.”

The Power of Support in Achieving Your Goals

We have all of these beautiful pieces about not negotiating, reframing, planning ahead, and creating a healthy environment that sets us up for success. What do you think about the power of having support? Whether it’s from a best friend, partner, somebody at work, someone in your family, or someone who can be there. When you forget to applaud yourself, they can be there to applaud you and give you a little boost.

Social support is good in most cases. We want to be careful about telling other people about our goals. There are scenarios where it is helpful and there are scenarios where it’s counterproductive. If you are quitting something like, “I’m not eating sugar this month” or “I’m never drinking again,” that is a tell-everybody goal. You want social accountability for it. You want people to be aware at social gatherings that you’re not consuming those so they don’t offer it to you. If you’re doing something hard like getting sober, you probably want accountability buddies to be checking with you regularly to make sure you’re still on the wagon.

If you’re doing a goal about making something like starting a business or writing a book, or you’re like, “I’m getting in shape. I’m going to start going to the gym. I’m going to start running.” I would only tell that to other people very sparingly and very strategically. It turns out that announcing a goal like that to a friend, family member, or co-worker makes you feel good. Your brain rewards you as though you’ve already done the thing, but you haven’t done the hard work yet. Research shows that it demotivates you to do the work.

Announcing a goal makes you feel good, but your brain rewards you as though you’ve already done the thing—when you haven’t done the hard work yet. Share on X

If I wrote a book, I didn’t tell anybody until I had finished the draft, printed it out, and put it on the kitchen table, and then I said, “Guess what? I wrote a book.” If I talked about it, then I feel this weird combination of I said it but I haven’t done it yet, which is this weird pressure thing. Work it out in secret and then you get it done. If someone is going to run a half marathon in four months, they don’t tell anybody that they need to start running. The results are going to speak for themselves.

If I hear right what you’re saying, look at the situation and see if it’s one where social support will help you and help you stay accountable. If you’re someone who can do something, I’m thinking of people who are running a marathon or want to run a marathon, but they’re very gregarious in nature, and they have their group of runner friends.

That’s a great example. It helps to have partners who do the same thing as you. I have a buddy I go to the gym with every week. That’s a very helpful thing to have. Sometimes people are like, “I want to get into hiking but I can never get myself to do it.” I’m like, “Make a plan with a friend. It’s Tuesday. Make a plan for Saturday.” Now you’re committed to going with the buddy. You’re not going to back out because they’re counting on you. It’s going to be more fun because there’s someone there.

What you’re saying there are situations. Listeners, this will be for you to decide what they are. We’re putting it out into the world. If that feels demotivating to you like you might feel you have already accomplished it and they take the joy out of your sails, then you may want to keep it to yourself. There are situations where you’re telling other people, “I’m not eating sugar,” so that when I go to their home and I’m declining a dessert, there’s no pressure. If I’m going out, they don’t care that I’m not having a beer with them or whatever. In fact, they may be supportive.

Handling Environmental Challenges and Social Pressures

This takes me in another direction that I want to weave to five key habits. Let’s talk about the situations because this might apply to our listener’s question. We don’t know what their environment is like. Oftentimes, I hear this from clients a lot when they do something like Dry January. I’m not a big fan of a change for a month. I’m more of let’s try and keep it going if it’s a healthy one. Let’s look at what happens in some cases where whether it’s envy or something else at work, very poor boundaries, or very poor awareness.

When you state a goal, you’re hoping that people will support you and honor that goal, but then you get into a situation where people might know you’re dieting or trying not to drink and they are applying you with cupcakes or candies. They won’t stop offering you a beer or a glass of wine even though they know that’s working against your goals. How do you handle that?

Sometimes people do that as an unconscious defense mechanism. If somebody has a drinking problem and they see me stop drinking, they see me as a mirror. They’re seeing their own problem reflected in me and that’s uncomfortable. They would feel more comfortable if I was drinking again. They’re like, “I’m not alone. I’m okay.” That’s a reason that people do that thing. They feel bad about themselves and they want to fix that. The shortest way to fix that is to have everyone else do it. If everyone is doing it, then it’s fine.

The best, shortest way to fix someone’s discomfort is to have everyone else doing it because then if everyone’s doing it, it’s totally fine. Share on X

I agree with you 100% that oftentimes people get very uncomfortable when they see somebody else making the change they wish they could make. If they can put everything back into homeostasis where everybody is doing with they are “supposed to be doing,” then they feel better. I have seen the issue with envy, where somebody is envious because they want to lose that 20 pounds or they want to stop drinking. The other person is there right in front of them holding strong and they’re saying to themselves often unconsciously, “I want to interfere with that. I don’t want that happening because I want that.” They’re tied together.

Have that in mind that it has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with them. It’s a cry for help from them if they’re behaving that way. You get to see that as an opportunity to lead by example and be like, “I didn’t realize they have a problem. I thought I was the only one. What they need for me is an example of someone holding strong.” Even though it’s going to be uncomfortable for them now, that example might serve them down the road.

Beautifully stated. I love the idea of leading by example. When we are making healthy choices, not that we want to be making them for other people, but we can see that when we walk our talk and we are able to hold strong, we become a role model not just for ourselves but for people. People are often watching and we don’t even know they’re watching when they see us making changes. Many times, I hear that from clients, where they’re saying, “I’m watching my best friend make these changes” or “I’m watching my coworker at work. Every week they come in, they look a little bit leaner. They’re bringing in this carrot and hummus tray to work.” There’s a sense of admiration like, “If they can do it, so can I.”

Each one of us, when we live in a strong way in accord with what we want in our lives, not only is it self-motivating if we pause to say, “You’re doing a good job.” I don’t think that lacks humility at all. Some people think that’s not being humble. I think it’s different. When we pause to look ourselves in the mirror and say, “You’re doing a good job,” in my perspective, that is embodying self-love and self-appreciation, and allowing us to be stronger and have stronger self-esteem.

Why is that? I believe it lacks hubris, be it pride, because it’s giving the self a positive mirror to look into. Many times, many of us grew up with negative mirrors, parents, coaches, and teachers who said negative things to us. We learned through that mirror to think poorly of ourselves. Much of it I think is valid self-correction. What do you think of that piece?

I agree that it’s very hard to love yourself in a world that profits from you not loving yourself.

That practically gives me tears because it’s so true. It is so hard to love yourself in a world that makes so much money off of us looking at that face in the mirror and hating who we are, a world that profits from us looking outside for validation, and outside for alcohol, drugs, and things to make us feel better. The true secret to feeling better is inside, and feeling that love and that joy of making 1 or 2 good choices for the better a day. We don’t have to be perfect.

 

 

It’s very hard to love yourself in a world that profits from you not loving yourself. Share on X

The Importance of Clear Planning and Consistency

That’s what I love about Imperfect Love. We’re never asked to be perfect. We’re asked to keep taking those baby steps forward that allow us to get a bit better every day. If we set our sights on being perfect, exercising perfectly in that new goal, reaching for the stars, transforming our work life, transforming our relationship, all on whatever date we set for ourselves, that’s a lot of pressure. You’ve set us a beautiful foundation for all of those pieces. Anything else before we Jump to the five habits that you see as being important for living your best life?

One more piece on establishing a new habit. We’ve talked a lot about quitting something. A lot of people at this time of year are trying to instill a new habit such as exercise, meditation, or reading. Most people’s rounder on that is they don’t get crystal clear on a plan of action. This is something I always do with clients when they establish this is what they want to do. I’m like, “Tell me about that. When are you going to do it? What time of day or what specific order in your normal routine of the day? Where does it happen? Does it have a dedicated location? Do you have a meditation chair or a home gym?”

 

 

That’s where the stuff happens. We don’t want it to occur at a random place at a random time because then you’re not grooving a neural pathway consistently. I get clear on how it’s going to happen. My exercise routine is crazy consistent because if I don’t have to choose what I’m doing, then I don’t have to use any brain power for that and I can get my brain power reserved for the willpower to get started. In you’re whatever you’re going to do, get clear on when, where, and how you’re going to do it, and it will be a lot easier.

Thank you for that. We touched on that a bit toward the beginning when we were talking about a macro goal and then those micro goals. That’s another way of saying what Chris was throwing out. I love how you said we’re getting rid of the old habit. Nature abhors a vacuum. It does not like an open space. Something is going to rush in to fill it if we don’t fill it mindfully with something new.

For example, if you say, “I’m going to stop eating a big juicy cheeseburger through the drive-thru,” that’s fine, but we want to have a replacement. Otherwise, in that vacuum of driving home from work or whatever it is, you’re going to swing into that fast food restaurant because there’s a vacuum. You have nothing to fill it with. It’s human behavior. It’s not your fault. You’re not bad listeners. It’s just human behavior. You say, “I’m going to give up drinking,” and you don’t have some sort of self-soothing practice, which is why psychotherapy and giving up drinking go very well together. You need to practice some self-soothing behavior to help you.

Otherwise, you’re going to come home from work or stop at that bar and do what you’ve always done only because the pathway in your brain is taking you there. You have to give it a detour option. If you’re saying to yourself, “Here is my goal. This is my main goal,” which might be giving up fast food, then underneath it, you want those 4 or 5 very clear steps that set you up for success. You don’t have to think about it. As we talked earlier when you were offering great tips, create the home environment to clear out fast food, and do all of these things that allow that new habit to be so much easier.

The Five Habits for a Healthy, Happy Life

We’re humans and we take that path of least resistance. We have to be prepared for that. We have to anticipate what the normal human being is going to do. Especially if we’re hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or stressed, we are going to take that detour toward the old habits. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired stressed, HALTS. That’s the acronym. If you’re in any of those states, it’s specialty helpful to have a plan. Thank you. That was a great ending on that piece, affirming some of these core principles. Let’s talk about the five habits that tend to set us up for a successful healthy, happy, and joy-filled life.

The number one is sleep hygiene, which is not just getting enough sleep but getting high-quality sleep. This is the foundation of everything because if you’re tired, your brain will be working as well. You’ll be less happy, less healthy, and less intelligent. You’ll have less willpower, which is going to make it harder to do all the other good things you want to do.

If you're tired, your brain won’t be working as well. You'll be less happy, less healthy, less intelligent, and you'll have less willpower, which makes it harder to do all the other good things you want to do. Share on X

For most people, the number one thing getting in the way of a good sleep is tech, a phone, tablet, computer, or TV. Those things are giving off high-energy blue light and that is disrupting melatonin, making it so you’re going to sleep too late, having a harder time getting into a deep sleep, and so on. You’re not getting a nice restful night. The next day is harder. Your willpower is less. You make poor choices. Maybe you’re on screens too late again, or you have caffeine too late in the day because you were tired, and you end in this vicious cycle.

Beautifully stated and I agree with you. People often will say, “I didn’t get enough sleep and I’m feeling grumpy. I’m not at my best or I’m not focused.” The vast majority of people need 7 to 8.5 hours of sleep at night. We make those little negotiations with ourselves, “One more scrolling episode, one more round on here, one more Netflix on that.” When we make those deals, we are depriving ourselves of the ability to get that crucial foundation of sleep. Thank you. That’s the number one habit. Good sleep or excellent sleep when possible. What’s number two?

Number two is exercise. This is probably the most bang for your buck out of any positive action habit in terms of what it’s going to do for your brain. Most people focus on exercise in terms of how it’s going to improve their body, which is certainly true. It makes you healthier and stronger. The number one reason I exercise every day is because it makes me happier. It helps me handle stress. It makes me sharper and helps me with focus. It increases my mental endurance. Most people aren’t aware of all those brain benefits.

In January, tons of people get gym memberships or start exercise habits with the goal of transforming their bodies. They quit within a month because they didn’t see any big visible changes. It takes a long time to sculpt your body and change how it looks. If that’s what you’re focused on, you’re not getting a reward right away. If you focus on the brain benefits, you get a reward immediately. I exercised this morning and I had a better day. If I get a reward immediately every day, I’m going to be motivated to keep going.

I’m 100% behind you, Chris. One of the ways I’m able to begin my day and do a long day is that I begin every morning with a 5-mile very fast-paced almost run walk. It is not only a detox but it also recalibrates and sets the stage for a wonderful resilient day. You don’t have to do 5 miles. Research shows that a 12-minute walk can boost your mood for up to 3 hours. We’re also getting sunshine. Even if it’s a gray cloudy day, you learn to enjoy nature and enjoy being outside. You don’t have to have a park near you. You can walk on city streets. You can walk in a parking lot. You can learn to zone out and be wherever you are because you’re turning inward as well if you have the benefit of being in nature.

Nature is also a wonderful de-stressing environment to be in. If you can’t get outdoors and you’re doing yoga inside or some sort of stretching inside, those things are reframed. I’m a big believer in reframing. Instead of “I have to exercise” or “I have to stretch,” we reframe it to “I want to give myself this gift.” All of these feel-good neurotransmitters are coursing through my body. All of the cortisols are being pushed out of my body and what’s not to love? It’s whatever somebody wants to do. Whether it’s 12 minutes or 2 hours, just get into the habit of doing it and seeing it as a gift to yourself. When we make it a reward, it’s such a game-changer. Your third tip is fascinating.

This is probably the most surprising one. Number three is daily wisdom. This is very overlooked in the world of self-improvement. I found it to be critical. If you can adopt a habit of taking in good ideas each morning, your life is going to change for the better. That could be reading from a small book of daily wisdom such as The Daily Stoic. It could be listening to some sort of wisdom podcast every day.

There’s a great service called Heroic that summarizes self-improvement books, and they have tons of content on their paid app and tons of content for free on YouTube. These are short little videos feeding you good ideas every day. The point is not that you need this new idea every day. Most of it is not new. Most of it is stuff you already know, but you need the reminder. I found that I’m so much more likely to act wisely during the day if I have consumed some wisdom in the morning.

I love that tip because it is so true. Our minds get filled often from dawn to dusk with whatever we’re being fed by social media. A lot of it is a bit on the mindless end.

It’s like junk food for your brain.

I didn’t want to be unkind but I must concur. It feels good at the moment. For some people, it feels good, but research shows there are downsides to it. When I have clients who go on a social media diet, I have never had one say they regretted it. They say, “I have more time in my day. I’m less stressed. I’m not comparing myself. I feel better about myself. I feel like I’m not prone to buying as much stuff to try to make myself feel better for not looking or being like that person or that fad, whatever it is.”

I love the daily doses of wisdom. I agree with you, whether it’s reading or a podcast. A piece that I like for daily wisdom, especially if you like things that you can touch and feel, are our conversation starter cards or mindfulness cards. There are many beautiful ones. You gave me an opportunity. I’m going to reach in here and grab the ones that I created that are new because they are reflection and oracle cards. They’re based on my Imperfect Love book.

I’ll pull one to give you an idea. This is the one that comes up. You’re a cat lover. Here it is. There’s a cat. That artist is Mark Ed. The card on the opposite side says, “Thoughts. By mindfully gaining control over unproductive thoughts that foster negativity, we bring healthier dynamics into our relationships. This ongoing intentional process fosters increased love and respect for the self and others.”

I pulled this randomly but it fits with what we’re talking about. There’s a prompt for self-reflection, “Do negative or self-sabotaging thought patterns tend to work against you or your relationships?” If you take a card like that, leave it out for the day, refer to it, or look at it, it’s in your psyche and you’re thinking about it. You have a chance to look at the case of this card. What are the thoughts I have that might be fostering negativity?”

If my focus is on habit change, “What are my thoughts about habit change?” We’ve been talking about that today. I love that card came up. It’s so amazing. Perhaps, for our listener, the underlying thoughts are of resistance, “I don’t want to be doing this but something in me is telling me to do it.” I don’t know the listener, but if that listener dives in to see what my underlying thoughts are about habit change, I see it as an opportunity. Does it feel like a blessing? Does it feel wonderful, or do I feel like it’s something that I’m being forced to like Mom and Dad or a teacher were forcing me?

Depending upon what the underlying thought pattern is, it will change the outcome. We choose to do something we want to do because we see the benefit. That new habitat is so much more likely to be meaningful and it is much more likely to stick. Research shows that again and again. We want to be able to look at our thoughts on that. Anyway, going back to your mindfulness piece, what we did is all an act of mindfulness and an act of wisdom creation. The more we understand ourselves in a non-judgmental way, which is part of being wise, the better we do, whether it’s with habit change or any other part of our lives. All right, wisdom. Number four is also a bit of a surprise because people might not understand the importance of this step. Please do tell.

Number four is deep work, which refers to taking mental tasks seriously. Things like writing, studying, and projects at work. These things require a lot of brain power to do. You’ll do them much better if you can get into a state we call Deep Work. This comes from Cal Newport who has a book of the same name. We live in a world of distractions and we make the mistake of defaulting to distraction all the time.

We get a new device, notifications are on. We are trying to do a difficult work project and we also have our phone out and turned on right next to us. We’re constantly multitasking, which we’re incapable of doing when it’s cognitive tasks. We end up switch-tasking, flipping rapidly from one task to the next, never giving any task our full attention or full brain power. Our work ends up being worse. It takes longer, it’s more frustrating, we’re more stressed, and we’re generally less effective in the world. I encourage people to practice monotasking and putting distractions away when they’re going to do serious work so that they can go deep.

I love this one. I agree with you. The myth of multitasking. I have people tell me all the time, “I multitask.” Your attention is split. A good example of that is having conversations with people. People think that they can have this important conversation while they’re on their laptops or their phones and watching television in the background. They come away not having heard the person, and the person feels not attuned to all of these things.

I agree with you, whether it’s work or anywhere else if we’re switching tasks, which is exactly what we’re doing, we are less productive on all of them. As you said, it makes you feel not only less rewarded because you’re not doing your best at everything, but then you’re stressed, you’ve lost some patience, and guess where this takes us with our whole habit we’re trying to change? If we go back to the listener’s question, that listener is trying to not eat unhealthy food. Now they’re stressed. Now they’re probably a little angry. What’s their default? They will be much more likely to go back to an old more hardwired pattern than to that new detour they are creating that feels tempting but not so accessible.

Thank you. I love that one. Deep works reminds me of the flow state. I love the flow state. You have likely been there at some point in your life. You’re in such a space of ease and rhythm, whether you’re writing a book or doing a work task or even outside gardening, creating something, and time is gone. It’s you and your task and you have this intimate flow with it. It’s a wonderful state to be in. Deep work. Last but not least, we are going into number five. That is also something that our listeners might not expect you to talk about, but let’s do it. I’m in agreement.

Number five is sobriety. I don’t mean that people need to completely abstain from alcohol or other drugs. Instead what I mean is that we need to be capable of sobriety and comfortable with it. If you can’t, be sober for some length of time. If you find yourself extremely uncomfortable with sobriety, it’s a good sign that you have a problem. A lot of people, when they become adults, they learn that I get home from work and I need to relax, so that means I have a drink. I’m at a social gathering and I’m supposed to be having fun, and that means I have to drink.

You don’t have to use drugs to relax. You don’t have to use drugs to have fun. It’s important to remember that. When I got sober, I had to remember what it was like to be a kid because that was the last time I had been sober. When I was a kid fun was just fun. You didn’t have to enhance it with drugs. If I wanted to relax, I just relaxed. I didn’t need a substance to calm my mind down to relax. I would encourage people to reflect on that and try to remember what it’s like to take care of yourself without any chemical help.

Beautifully put. If you do have issues with sobriety, alcohol, or other substances, there is support out there, loads of it. This is not a blame or shame podcast. It is all about mental health, wellness, and shifting things. If that’s something that you want to shift, there are plenty of resources. The road is long and again, it’s habit. When we make a commitment to changing habits, maybe we don’t do it perfectly the first time out of the gate, but when we make a commitment in the long run, I have seen so much incredible change occur in my clients over time.

I’m a 100% believer that humans are amazing beings and miracles. I agree with you about being in a place of sobriety. My personality type is I don’t need substances to find joy for myself because I have my natural way of being. I have also learned over time a lot of coping strategies if I am stressed. I’ve done a lot of self-work to clean out the baggage. Many people use substances to not look at their baggage.

The Power of Small, Consistent Changes Over Time

Neither Chris nor I are saying it’s an easy road to get to sobriety if that’s something you struggle with. Believe me, I’ve had people in my life who have struggled tremendously. What it does mean is if you have a commitment to it, take those steps that can be part of your plan for overall healthy habits that will support you in your goals in the long run. My goodness, Chris. Thank you so much. Are there any other pieces that you’d like to offer to our listeners?

I want to circle back to where we started on New Year’s resolutions, plural, rather than just one. The mindset behind the one-at-a-time is long-term thinking. It’s so natural and normal to want like, “I want to change it all right now. I want to fix it. I want to fix all the things and be done.” If it doesn’t ever work, you end up right back where you started in a few weeks.

If you think long-term, not in terms of weeks and months, but in terms of years and decades, you can make massive changes. You just need to be willing to commit and go even ridiculously slow. A simple example from my life is I had a shoulder injury for several years and was injured. I lost a lot of strength. I could barely do one push-up. Forty-two months ago, I started doing one push-up a day. It seems like the dumbest thing in the world. What good is one push-up going to do? That’s that’s like walking for ten seconds.

If you think long-term, not in terms of weeks and months, but in terms of years and decades, you can make massive changes. You just need to be willing to commit and go even ridiculously slow. Share on X

Doesn’t sound dumb to me, so it’s great. Keep going.

I feel silly. I’m doing my push-up. Not even plural and you do one and you’re done. The next month, I did two a day. The next month, I did three a day. It was so slow and steady. Neither my brain nor my body put up enough resistance to make me quit. Now I’m doing 42 a day and there’s no end in sight. It’s only possible because I was thinking long-term.

I have a counter or an opposing story for you that makes yours even wiser. Somebody had said, “You had to work on your upper-body strength a bit more.” It was during the pandemic when yoga classes and such were a little bit off. I thought, “I’m going to get right and start doing my push-ups in this push-up bar here. I’ll do exactly what I used to do.” I hurt my shoulder. By day three, I hurt my shoulder and I was out of commission on that shoulder for probably 3 to 4 weeks.

Slow is better, as you said, so I’m with you. My story is one of what not to do. Your story is the one. If somebody is telling you, “One is insignificant,” if it’s significant to you, that’s what matters. The other thing that I like that you brought in as a last piece is that push-ups had meaning to you. It was about healing. Somebody is telling us to give up sugar or give up junk food. Find something meaningful for you. If it means looking at some research to see the long-term health benefits of giving up alcohol, or the benefits of giving up sugar or reducing sugar, whatever it is, find something meaningful to you.

If that meaning comes from this little or big voice inside you saying, “ I just want to live a healthier life,” that’s plenty of meaning right there. If that little voice is saying, “I want to workout to get stronger and clean out my system,” kudos to you because that’s what this journey and life are all about. Evolving forward one step at a time in that imperfect beautiful way. Chris, where can our listeners find you?

My primary home on the Internet is BecomingBetter.org.

Thank you, Chris. Our guest’s name is Chris Loper. Chris, before we get off, could you tell us a tiny bit about Wood Floats and Other Brilliant Observations? That’s your book. Tell us a little bit about Wood Floats.

That is a pandemic project. It is a humorous memoir. It’s a collection of stories from my childhood and my early adulthood of pretty much all the stupid things I did, then the little nuggets of wisdom that came along the way.

Isn’t that the beauty of doing silly and stupid things in life? If we’re wise, we can turn around and not blame or shame ourselves. Find those little nuggets of gold because they’re there if we only pause to notice them, pick them up, and put them in our pockets or our hearts. Thank you, Chris. It has been such a pleasure and a joy.

Thank you.

My pleasure. To our listeners, thank you so much for sharing your time, devotion, and energy. This is Imperfect Love.

 

Important Links

• Chris Loper – website
• Wood Floats and Other Brilliant Observations on Amazon
• Becoming Better – website
• Strategic Habit Coaching – website
• Alcoholics Anonymous – website
• Al-Anon – website
• Narcotics Anonymous – website
• Secular AA – website
• Secular Organizations for Sobriety – website
• NAMI Help Line
• Get Help – National Eating Disorders Association
• Care of the Soul on Amazon
• The Daily Stoic on Amazon
• Heroic – website
• The Joy of Imperfect Love on Amazon
• Dr. Carla Marie Manly – website
• Dr. Carla Marie Manly on Instagram
• Dr. Carla Marie Manly on Twitter
• Dr. Carla Marie Manly on Facebook
• Dr. Carla Marie Manly on LinkedIn
• Dr. Carla Marie Manly on YouTube
• Dr. Carla Marie Manly on TikTok

 

About Chris Loper

Chris Loper is the creator of BecomingBetter.org, a website devoted to self-improvement that actually works. As a habit coach, Chris helps busy adults with behavioral change and productivity.

He also writes about learning for parents and students for Northwest Educational Services, and he is the co-creator of Parenting for Academic Success. Chris’s latest project, Smart College Habits, combines academic and habit coaching to help students thrive in college.

He is the owner of South Cove Tutoring in Issaquah, WA. Chris is the author of a humorous memoir titled “Wood Floats and Other Brilliant Observations.”